February 12, 2009
Announcer: ..and now, here is your Tonight’s Show host, Dr. D.J. Damages(Applause)
Dr. Damages: Thank you. When we were in school, when you failed a class, you were asked to repeat it. By all indications, I failed in the last interview I had with Dr. Reuben Abati. According to our internal polling, I failed to ask hard questions. Dr. Abati’s people told me their polling showed that he failed to give straight answers. I was accused of conducting a padi-padi interview with my friend while Dr. Abati was accused of giving wishy-washy answers. As a result, Dr. Abati and I have decided to redo the interview.
(Applause)
This time, it will be a no holds barred. We have arranged for extra security in case we need it. And I understand that Dr. Abati is wearing a bullet-proof vest. So be ready for fireworks.
(Applause)
Dr Damages: George Bernard Shaw said that anyone who wrote a weekly column for ten years in any newspaper would become so famous that readers would never know if he or she had a talent for writing. Our guest is a man who has written two columns a week for over fifteen years for the most respected newspaper in Africa. Nobody in Africa doubts if he has a talent for writing. All the way from Rutam House in Oshodi, Lagos, please give a thunderous welcome to Dr. Reuben Abati.
(Applause)
Dr. Reuben Abati walks into the stage, shakes Dr. Damages’ hand and takes his seat.
Dr Damages: Welcome to the show.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Nice to be back.
Dr Damages: Let me start by asking if you were at a party at Aliko Dangote’s house on Victoria Island, Lagos?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Excuse me?
Dr Damages: Did you attend a party thrown for Andy Uba by Aliko Dangote?
Dr. Reuben Abati: See me, see trouble. I thought I was here to talk about the land?
Dr Damages: That is secondary now. We will get to that later.
Dr. Reuben Abati: I attend many parties. It is part of my job.
Dr. Damages: But it is not everyday that you attend a party at Dangote’s house?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Well, for people in my position you should not be surprised at how frequently it happens.
Dr. Damages: Really?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Oh, yeah. Some workers get bush meat as perks, I get to party with VIPs.
Dr Damages: Do you remember going to this particular party which was meant to drum up media support for then “Gov.-elect” Andy Uba?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I can’t recall.
Dr Damages: James Ibori was there.
Dr. Reuben Abati: I have been in the same room with him several times.
Dr Damages: There were also Bukola Saraki and Wale Babalakin.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Where are you going with this? If you do not know, big boys hang out with other big boys. Bo, let us talk about the land.
Dr. Damages: We’ll get to land in a moment, but we’re interested for now in the Dangote party. Since our last interview, a source contacted us and said it was important to ask about this grand party. I understand that Andy Uba and his brother, Dr. Ugochukwu Uba, were also at the affair.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Is it now a crime to attend a party in Nigeria? Or is it because it was Dangote’s party? My friend, you have to relax. You are on this earth once. When you get the chance to enjoy, use it. How does your people say it, he whose pear is ripe, let him devour it. So my man, let me devour my ripe pear.
Dr. Damages: You haven’t even told me whether you were at this party?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I attend many parties. It’s part of the job. If you want to hang with the big boys come home and join us.
Dr Damages: Do I take it then you attended this particular one Dangote threw for Andy Uba?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I wasn’t alone. Other media big shots were there as well. Why didn’t you ask them?
Dr Damages: Well, they’re not the ones on the hot seat. Their turn will come to be interviewed.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Why am I on the hot seat?
Dr. Damages: Because you are hot.
Dr. Reuben Abati: I don’t want to be hot anymore! (laughter)
Dr. Damages: By popular demand, villagers want you here.
Dr. Reuben Abati: (Mutters under his breath) Those savages and Neanderthals! Economic parasites in America, Europe, even Turkey!
Dr. Damages: Eh? Did you say something?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Oh, nothing. (Wipes his brow with a handkerchief).
Dr. Damages: So, back to the Dangote party…
Dr. Reuben Abati: I attend all kinds of parties. Like my other colleagues.
Dr Damages: You were there then?
Dr. Reuben Abati: It is possible.
Dr Damages: Do you recall that anything unusual happened there?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Like what? What again? If you were thinking about loose women, there was no such thing. It was a clean gathering.
Dr. Damages: Were editors asked to ensure that negative reports about Andy Uba did not make it into their newspapers?
Dr. Reuben Abati: What do you mean by negative reports?
Dr. Damages: Reports that put him in a bad light.
Dr. Reuben Abati: If you mean the kind of garbage these online radicals dish out in the name of citizen journalism, I say yes. I do not condone it. And I think any self respecting politician should not.
Dr. Damages: Where you charged to make sure that such reports did not make it into your newspaper editorial pages?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I cannot recall.
Dr. Damages: Are such requests usual or unusual?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Those are not unusual. Politicians want favorable coverage.
Dr. Damages: Do you guarantee that kind of coverage?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I am not a reporter. I have never been a reporter. I am a pundit. An influential one, if I may add. So it depends… To answer your question, no, we report the facts and only the facts.
Dr. Damages: How do you approach your commentary?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I try to be insightful and topical and fair and balanced. I lace my piece with lots of humor… And a little racy language, every now and then. I found out that women liked such. The text messages I receive every week are testaments to that.
Dr Damages: Do you recall getting an envelope as you left Dangote’s party?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Envelope?
Dr Damages: Yes. Envelope. That rectangular thing.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Well, I cannot recall. Remember that by the time you leave such party, you are almost wasted.
Dr Damages: You do not remember receiving an envelope?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Listen, you’re talking to a very busy man. It’s not every little detail of parties that I’ll remember. I have better things to do with my memory.
Dr. Damages: But if you received an envelope, it’s not a minor, forgettable detail. And not a minor envelope, for that matter. Did you or did you not?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I cannot recall. You know, like all Nigerian parties, alcohol flowed like water. And remember it’s Nigeria’s richest man we’re talking about. Alcohol and food were in abundance. So, it is possible that under the influence of alcohol, an envelope could have found its way to my pocket.
Dr Damages: Like in magic?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Something like that.
Dr Damages: I understand.
Dr. Reuben Abati: That does not mean I did anything with it when I got home. In fact, it must be my housemaid that opened the envelope and used whatever was in it. All I know is that I continued to practice at the highest professional standards.
Dr. Damages: But you didn’t write about the controversial Andy Uba?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I must have. How could I miss commenting on that wonder kid? I don’t think so. He was such a phenomenon that he could not have escaped my piercing gaze. I have to check my archives…I write on so many people and issues that I can’t keep count. But come to think of it, do I owe it to anybody to write about Dr. Andy Uba?
Dr. Damages: You just called him Doctor. He has no degree at all.
Dr. Reuben Abati: That’s what some disgruntled online rumor-mongers say. Why must I believe them when they’re also attacking me, a PhD for a common plot of land I got—I mean bought—in Abuja?
Dr. Damages: Do you mind if we talk about somebody else?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Who?
Dr. Damages: Tafa Balogun. Do you know the man who goes by that name?
Dr. Reuben Abati: What are you talking about? He’s virtually an uncle to me.
Dr. Damages: This is the first time I’ve heard of virtual uncle.
Dr. Reuben Abati: I’m a poet at heart. My job is to command language.
Dr. Damages: I can see.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Thank you.
Dr. Damages: Did you receive things from Tafa “the virtual uncle” Balogun?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Like what?
Dr. Damages: Regular envelopes.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Envelopes?
Dr. Damages: Yes, envelopes. Those rectangular things, again.
Dr. Reuben Abati: What for?
Dr. Damages: As a retainership?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Retain me for what?
Dr. Damages: Why, to ensure favorable coverage on the editorial page.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Where are you getting these outrageous allegations?
Dr Damages: Is it true or not? Remember the viewers are watching. You have the chance to clear thing up once and for all.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Let them watch.
Dr Damages: You don’t want to redo this interview, do you?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I don’t care. That man, Tafa Balogun, is my uncle.
Dr. Damages: And as your uncle…?
Dr. Reuben Abati: He does what uncles do.
Dr. Damages: What do uncles do?
Dr. Reuben Abati: They support struggling family members.
Dr. Damages: Like wire some money every month?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Uncles do things uncles do. What if monthly support is the only way to sustain a struggling family member? What if he knew I was being paid peanuts by the paper? What if he did not want me to live like a poor man after getting my PhD some twelve years ago?
Dr. Damages: And since he’s quote and unquote an uncle, did you ensure that the editorial page did not put him in bad light? Even when he was accused of stealing billions of naira?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I don’t know what you are talking about. And by the way, I am not the editorial page. I don’t speak for the editorial page. The editorial page speaks for itself.
Dr. Damages: Certainly.
Dr. Reuben Abati: I mean it.
Dr Damages: Let’s talk about Bola Tinubu? Would you describe him as an uncle, too?
Dr. Reuben Abati: This is becoming ridiculous.
Dr Damages: What is ridiculous?
Dr. Reuben Abati: So it is now a crime to know people – even my family relations and people from my part of the country? I have to explain all my relationship to you? Otherwise what? Why? By the way, who are you? Who made you an inquisitor? When did I become your Gov. Rod Blagojevich? Why me? Why don’t you put other media heavyweights on your damned hot seat?
Dr. Damages: Maybe we should just talk about the land?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I am not talking about anything anymore. Do your worst.
Dr Damages: Remember that it is not between me and you?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Whatever!
Dr Damages: It is between you and your readers, too.
Dr. Reuben Abati: To hell with the readers.
Dr Damages: No, you did not disrespect your readers?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I am referring to those internet holier-than-thou readers who do not know the reality of life in Nigeria. They do not understand the peanuts papers pay big guys like me for the work we do. They do not understand the pressure we face from our family and friends – pressures to live large and meet up. They are just stupid idiots who want to use me as a scapegoat for corruption in the media.
Dr Damages: How did you know that?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Know what?
Dr. Damages: I was about to ask you if you were aware that a descriptive account of events at Dangote’s party is the first chapter of an upcoming book called Corruption in the Nigerian Media: From Dr. Chidi Amuta to Dr. Reuben Abati.
Dr. Reuben Abati: What is it about?
Dr. Damages: It is about how the media collude with politicians to ruin Nigeria.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Who is writing the book?
Dr. Damages: Were you planning to write such a book?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I do not think I know enough to write such a book. Who is writing the book?
Dr. Damages: I am not telling.
Dr. Reuben Abati: This is pure blackmail.
Dr Damages: Who’s the blackmailer and who’s the blackmailed?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I don’t know. I just have one thing to say. You and your viewers must remember that I am married with children. I help a lot of people from my home town. I’m a well-known – actually, anonymous – philanthropist all over Nigeria, east, west, north and south. I had a humble beginning. I worked hard to get to where I am. I think everyone should know that. I am not as arrogant as people make me. If you really know me, you know that I am a jolly good fellow. I have friends from all parts of Nigeria. I believe we can fix Nigeria if we all put away ethnic divide and work for the betterment of all. That is what I have been trying to do since I came to the Guardian. I have hired a lot of people from every part of the country. If you ask those who work with me at the paper, they will tell you there is no bone of discrimination in my body. I am everyone’s buddy. Tell them, Dr. Damages. You’ve known me for a long time now. Tell them.
Dr Damages: Why did you find it so difficult to say “I bought the land for so so so amount and I paid for it with my own money and it was not connected to a favor I did to anyone?”
Dr. Reuben Abati: Because I do not know what you know, who you’ve been talking to, and what next will be put out there.
Dr. Damages: Me? Know what?
Dr. Reuben Abati: I don’t mean you, I mean those who torment me. The enemies who seem determined to turn my brand, Reuben A-lord of the Guardian to Reuben A-fraud of the Guardian.
Dr. Damages: Does it matter what they know if you are telling the truth?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Once I said how much I paid for the land, they will come and ask me how did I get the money? How much am I making at the paper? How much do I charge to be MC at events? How much do I get paid to write biographies of great people? No man wants to be interrogated that way. I am not a public servant. I work for a private company. I just do not want to open a Pandora’s Box.
Dr Damages: But you can see that these questions are not going away. People are already asking these questions you asked. They are adding up the figures. They are insinuating that the paper doesn’t pay you well. Yet, you had no guts to challenge your employers or to support the recent strike by disgruntled employees of the Guardian. You kept quiet when those who protested were fired. How do you view the consequences of your silence?
Dr. Reuben Abati: It is by far better than the alternative.
Dr Damages: Which is what?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Volunteering answers to common villagers. They are beneath me.
Dr Damages: But your silence has made villagers to independently come up with their own answers.
Dr. Reuben Abati: At least the answers are not coming from me. And until I admit, you cannot convict.
Dr. Damages: The court of public opinion does not work that way.
Dr. Reuben Abati: I am the face of public opinion in Nigeria. When all the noise makers on the web finish working themselves up for nothing and get tired, they will all line up again, behind me, their leader.
Dr. Damages: Public opinion works like this: If it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, the public opinion is that it is a duck.
Dr. Reuben Abati: As far as I am concerned, if you do not have the envelope, you do not have the evidence.
Dr Damages: Do you regret anything?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Yes. Not joining a bank a long time ago.
Dr Damages: Why?
Dr. Reuben Abati: Because if I were at a bank now, nobody would be asking how I got a piece of land in Abuja.
Dr Damages: Thank you for your time, Dr. Abati.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Can I ask you one question?
Dr. Damages: Of course.
Dr. Reuben Abati: Why me? Of all the rogue editors in Nigeria, why a decent guy like me? Why do they want to turn Reuben A-lord into Reuben A-fraud?
Dr. Damages: Gov. Rob Blagojevich asked the same question. I often wonder the same, too. And it is not like you have the same hair as Blagojevich.
Dr. Reuben Abati: I have no hair at all.
Dr. Damages: I can see that. But the question is if you had hair would it look like Blagojevich’s hair?
Dr. Reuben Abati: (A long sigh).
Dr Damages: Thanks for clearing the air so well that viewers across Nigeria can see Florida from Lekki beach. Viewers, that’s the one and the only Dr. Reuben Abati. Until next time, thank you all for watching and good night.
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