My dear Sister Dora Akunyuli: How you dey, my good sister? I heard that you’re hiring. How come you did not reach out to me? Don’t you know I’m ready and willing to serve our great country? How could you diss me like this?
Did you say concerns? You have concerns? Concerns about what? The BS I write? Oh, sister! Don’t you know it is all a stunt? The central purpose is for people like you to notice me -and when you’ve noticed me, to make me a decent offer. That’s all there is to it.
Okey-doke? Ok, now let me show you what I really really believe in.
Nigeria needs rebranding because the Nigerian brand has been so soiled that it has become a black hole that swallows all things positive. Where reasonable people disagree is on how to go about rebranding Nigeria.
The loyal opposition, which I am a card carrying member, is known to be quick at condemning. We have been burnt so many times that cynicism is now our formal wear. If we have our way, all initia tives from all of Nigeria’s government should be dead-on-arrival. We do not trust the government. For good measure, if I may add.
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Long ago, a frustrated military governor lashed out at people like us. He said that when Nigerians hear that the government awarded a contract worth millions of Naira, they always say that these government people were embezzling money again. He then yelled, “It is not easy to embezzle government money.”
Well, the likes of Achike Udenwa, Bola Tinubu and Boni Haruna have proved the military governor wrong. But I know in my heart of hearts that you are out to disprove. I am willing to get on with your program.
In these days of blogging, the loyal opposition has multiplied in many folds. And the competition to stand out is so severe that people are jumping the shark to be noticed. It has not made it easy for people like you to get a sympathetic hearing from the opposition. It must be frustrating to be saddled with the task of selling anything to those who have already made up their minds about what you are selling before they set their eyes on it.
For the few of us who break away from the pack of loyal opposition to check out the goods the seller has, we run the risk of being accused of selling out. Just as it is easy to embezzle government money, it is very easy to be bought over by the government. In fact, the common Nigerian maxim for that is that “everyone has a price”. I do not believe in low level concepts like that. Just like you, I believe in the higher calling, to serve and to protect the good people of Nigeria.
Having said that and at the risk of coming out as another opposition bought over with a plum job in Lagos or a land in Abuja, I hereby suggest ways to rea lly really rebrand Nigeria. Read through them and if you’re impressed, which I believe you will, please give me a call.
Do you know how to reach me? If you don’t, Sunday Dare knows? If he has forgotten my number, ask Uche Nworah. I will be waiting.
Now here are few steps to take to rebrand Nigeria.
* Mr. Umaru Yar’adua should make a nationwide broadcast in which he would announce his resignation as President of Nigeria. His reason should be that he did not win the 2007 election. He should also add, “as a matter of fact, I am grossly incompetent to govern a complex country like Nigeria. I thought Nigeria was as docile as Kastina state.”
* All members of the National Assembly should forfeit their salaries to the treasury for the remainder of their terms in office. The reason is that the salary they received in the last two years was more than enough for the shoddy job they are doing.
* All governors should pay back all the money they collected as security votes. And henceforth, such misappropriation of money should cease to be practiced. Their security must depend on their good services to the people of their state.
* Assets of all former Presidents, governors, and ministers from Babangida days to the present should be investigated. Assets not commensurate with their legitimate income should be taxed at 90%. Legitimate income means income earned from seen ventures. Not the unseen ventures, please.
* Maurice Iwu of INEC should be tied to the stake at the National Stadium and shot. End of story. Tell the truth, he does not deserve a trial. I know you are a law and order and due process woman but hey, there should be one or two exceptions.
* The Inspector Generals of Police, IGs, from Babangida days to the present should be tied to the stake at the Lekki beach and shut. They deserve no trial. They belong to the other exception.
* All government officials who fell sick must be treated in a hospital at home. All Nigerians current and former government officials who die in a hospital abroad must pay taxes on their medical bills before their body is allowed to return to Nigeria. They must also return their national honors before they are buried. Yes, we have to be that mean- snatching Order of Federal Republic away from their cold dead hands.
* Assets of all heads of government agencies, from Babangida days to the present should be investigated. Assets not commensurate with their legitimate income should be taxed at 90%. Including that dead INEC accountant who had billions of Naira in his20account. We have to get his wives to return the money.
* General Certificate of Education, university entrance examination, and all examination in all of Nigerian tertiary institutions must henceforth meet international standard that guarantees the integrity of such examinations. Achieving this does not require reinventing the wheel. We have to do this to let the next generation know that we mean business.
* The Nigerian government should stop supporting any pilgrimage to any of the holy lands, including Okija. While we are at it, we shall publish the names of those who visited Okija when it was at its peak. That is why you are the minister for information.
* The government should abolish the concept of “state of origin,” “disadvantaged states,” “national character,” and other anomalies like that. I say let merit be the order of the day. After all, that was how you got where you are. Nothing to do with knowing/hanging/shagging Andy Uba’s brother at UNN. Nothing to do with knowing/hanging/shagging Olusegun Obasanjo.
* A law enforcement agency, like the FBI, should be unleashed on all the criminal elements in Nigeria. They should be given modern investigative tools, including hidden cameras, informants, forensic labs, witness protection powers. Their first test should be to end the practice of collecting bribe by police men at road blocks in six months.
* Money laundering, wire fraud, mail fraud, lying to law enforcement agencies, lying under oath, tax evasion should all carry a minimum of 20 years in prison. We will need to build many new prisons. Get whistle blowers cover. Put in place freedom of information act.
All those who got any kobo from Obasanjo’s $16 billion power project must be made to refund every kobo of it. All assets belonging to the companies and the owners of the companies must be confiscated until the whole money is recovered. $10 billion of that money should be given to GE and they will provide electricity to Nigerians in 6 months.
Once we do these, watch and see the rebranding of Nigeria happen on its own accord.
Now my sister, tell me I am hired. Honest-to God, I am the right man to be at your right hand as we continue the marvelous work you are doing for our great country. Think it over, Sister. No pressure.
I’m expecting your call.
Yours truly,
Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo
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