A lot of Nigerians are bellyaching that President Barak Obama chose to visit Ghana instead of the self-advertised “Giant of Africa” in his very first visit to the home continent. What these Nigerians don’t understand is that Obama had actually visited Nigeria first, but due to security reasons the visit was not leaked to the world press, until this daredevil reporter latched onto the world exclusive which I hereby reveal via the equally daredevil Saharareporters.com. Yes, Obama was here, in flesh and blood, bone and substance. In short, he is still here with us! Actually the night Obama flew into Nnamdi Azikiwe International Airport, Abuja there was total blackout, as usual, such that the American President could not even be seen. You see, Obama travelled before the coming of the 6,000 megawatts of electricity promised by President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua to electrify the entire country!
You can of course tag Obama’s coming as “a visit in the dark” because both presidents could not see each other’s face. In the intense blackout Obama was taken to the Chairman of the Independent National Electoral Commission (INEC), Prof Maurice Iwu who as everybody knows had promised to teach mighty America a lesson or two on how to conduct elections. Like the departed magician Professor Peller, Iwu held Obama spellbound with his magical feats in electoral “Iwuruwuru”. For the benefit of Obama, Iwu took him on an eye-opening tour of Ekiti State where votes were manufactured in a police station and where the Resident Electoral Commissioner appeared and disappeared just like a magician’s rabbit.
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Obama was left in a tizzy by Iwu’s mesmerism such that the American President became convinced that as manufacturers of magic Nigerians are nonpareil. What with the august visitor discovering uncountable dollars stuffed in his briefcase by his Nigerian hosts as payback a la Halliburton.
“African hospitality,” was the explanation given to Obama for the dollars-in-briefcase. But that is another story entirely, the mother of all briberies…
Former Head of State General Yakubu Gowon famously said that Nigeria’s problem was not money but how to spend it. Obama was taken to the Niger Delta where crude money is minted and burnt like gas flares. In Warri Obama beheld more refugees than in Rwanda in the bad days of genocide. The man had to beat a fast retreat. But he was not fast enough. He ended up being kidnapped!
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But before the full import of diplomatic crisis could erupt, the blackout increased in intensity such that nobody again remembered that Obama was in town. To divert further attention, President Yar’Adua started screaming that all his concern for the moment was smashing the fuel cartel that had held the country to ransom for so long, that he would undertake a prompt deregulation of the petroleum sector. But before you could say “fuel cartel”, the selfsame Yar’Adua was seen inaugurating a committee of expired footballers and “how-for-do” enthusiasts and charging that Nigeria must qualify for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa.
“Mr. President, are you not diverting attention from the kidnapped Obama?” asked one inquisitive reporter. The poor fellow was promptly docked and was summarily charged with sedition or whatever.
Of course the Freedom of Information (FOI) bill is yet to see the light of day, just like the country is in total darkness, so there is no way to pry into the Obama affair. As things stand, as Obama has not been rescued from Nigeria there is no way the Ghanaians could have set eyes on him! So the Ghanaians should not keep on rejoicing for they have been served a counterfeit Obama! Yes, the fellow who went to Ghana the other day is not the real Obama. Take my word for it, for I should know.
Forget whatever you read elsewhere, Obama is still holed up in Nigeria, and nobody wants anybody to wise up to the matter. There is even talk of hiring some witch-catchers and some Pentecostal spellbinders to put their acts together towards the rescue of Obama. One Alfa has just volunteered to rescue Obama if only oil is discovered in his rustic village in the far north!
If you think I am writing satire, or magical realism, or junk journalism, or whatever, just pay the one trillion dollars ransom being demanded by Obama’s kidnappers into my bank account and I’ll produce the real Obama as opposed to the fake one who went to Ghana! In these days of bribery as amnesty, Yar’Adua has just appointed me the chief negotiator in the Obama kidnap matter!
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