Dear President Umooru Yar’Adua: I am directed to write you by the leadership of the Joint Consultative Assembly of Paradise, Hell, Al-Janna, and Jahannam, an oversight body put in place by the Grand Council of Angels and Malaikas mandated by God and Allah to supervise matters of accommodation and welfare for the human remittances we receive from earth. Apologies for using the name your predecessor called you during a famous telephone call. He used that name in the context of a grave matter of life and death. As the issue at hand is also a grave matter of life and death, I figure it is appropriate to use the name. As you no doubt have been briefed, Mr. President, the Federal Republic of Nigeria, under Generals Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida and Sani Abacha, signed a number of binding agreements with the Consultative Assembly to review the quota allotted to Nigeria under our special customers quota expansion scheme. The scheme was designed to take care of the needs of customer nations with very generous yield in human remittances to each of our four accommodation zones: Paradise, Hell, Al-Janna, and Jahannam.
You will recall, President Yar’Adua, that world leaders too numerous to mention had benefited from this quota expansion scheme and sent people here without the risk of overstretching our accommodation facilities and welfare resources. The quota expansion scheme allowed us to take care of human remittances from Germany under Adolf Hitler, the Soviet Union under Josef Stalin, Cambodia under Pol Pot, Haiti under Papa and Baby Doc Duvalier, Zaire under Mobutu Sese Seko, South Africa under Henrik Verwoerd and Pieter Botha. We also accommodated the close to one million Tutsis sent here by the Rwandan genocidaires. In essence, we never had any problems with any member nation. Our system ran smoothly and efficiently until Nigeria happened to us.
When Nigeria’s military rulers made a strong and persuasive case for the inclusion of your country as a beneficiary of our special quota scheme, we dusted our records and discovered that Nigeria, under General Yakubu Gowon, remitted a healthy figure in excess of two million souls between 1967 and 1970 and that was the only reason your country’s application was favorably considered in the first place. Nigeria’s application for Gold Card customer status was also simultaneously approved. Little did we know at the time, Mr. President, that we had signed up a country that would become the most egregious abuser of our privileges and procedures since the formation of this organization. I am sorry for the tone of this letter but I have been instructed to rein in Nigeria in unequivocal terms or expel her from the organization altogether.
Our first and most serious problem with Nigeria has to do with your country’s illegal use and abuse of facilities and resources not covered by the agreements you signed. Generals Babangida and Abacha signed Nigeria up for quota expansion under our extremists, enemies of the state, and disgruntled elements portfolio. This allowed us to take in the thousands of human remittances they sent to us as enemies of their respective regimes. Unfortunately, President Yar’Adua, none of these two former military rulers of your country was visionary enough to also subscribe Nigeria to our needless and preventable deaths portfolio. Vision is a pre-requisite for leadership. Visionary leadership entails being able to determine, empirically and otherwise, the rate and magnitude of infrastructural neglect and collapse that would occur in Nigeria between 1985 and 2009 and sign up accordingly for the appropriate portfolio in our services.
Mr. President Sir, hundreds of thousands of your citizens have arrived here between 1985 and the current year 2009 as a result of avoidable or preventable road accidents linked to the condition of your roads; thousands arrive daily because of the condition of your hospitals. Mr. President Sir, this situation is made even worse by the fact that thousands of your citizens arrive here daily only to tell lies and all kinds of cock and bull stories, a detail that does not help your country’s already poor reputation. They claim to have been sent here by fumes inhaled from generators! Can you imagine that, Mr. President? Because we are here in heaven, your citizens assume that we are cut off from current affairs on earth. As if we do not know that no country on earth would allow the embarrassment of letting a single citizen die from the inhalation of dangerous generator fumes in the 21st century.
What is even more baffling is that human remittances from places like Somalia, Darfur, and war-torn Congo do not arrive here telling lies about generator inhalation, meaning that they have electricity in those places. So, why are your people such pathological liars? They lie even when they don’t have to. Imagine elderly people from Nigeria arriving here to spin yarns that they slumped while waiting in line to receive their pension and other retirement benefits. And they expect us to believe outrageous stories like that! Do we look like fools? Even Field Marshal Idi Amin Dada paid pension and retirement dues to elderly Ugandans as and when due. And who even queues up in front of a government office for such things in the 21st century? You check your bank account online and your pension is there as direct deposit when due. We simply don’t understand why old people from Nigeria come here to tell lies about queuing up for pension and dying in the process.
Mr. President Sir, these human remittances from Nigeria in the category of needless and preventable deaths have spiked to such an astronomical and alarming rate since May 29, 2007 that the Consultative Assembly here had to convene a special emergency session on Nigeria, the outcome of which is this letter. The point is that we no longer have the capacity or willingness to accommodate Nigerian human remittances in a portfolio for which your country has not signed up. Please find enclosed the relevant application forms should your administration be willing to subscribe to this portfolio. Please note that Nigeria will have to pay up a backlog of subscription and membership fees starting from August 27, 1985. Our investigations revealed that although budgetary allocations for Nigeria’s membership fees have been made annually since 1985, your government officials have never made a single payment. We made several phone calls to your Ministry of Finance but were told every time that the Minister was “not on seat”. We spoke to your Minister of Information but all she told us was that she would try and rebrand Nigeria’s unpaid fees, whatever that means.
Permit me to state, Mr. President, that your administration’s attempt to create equity and balance in the area of religion has not gone unnoticed here. For a very long time, the Nigerians who arrive here as a result of religious violence or your robust pacification programme in the Niger Delta area of your country have always been almost exclusively Christians, putting an enormous strain on our accommodation facilities in heaven and hell. We have had little or no remittances from Nigeria that we could accommodate in Al-Janna or Jahannam as the case may be. Our investigations revealed that this pattern is due to the fact that religious violence in the northern part of your country has almost always exclusively targeted southern Christians while your mop up operations in the Niger Delta also target predominantly Christian populations. We were therefore surprised to notice a spike in Moslem remittances in the past week. Some of the Moslem arrivals revealed, on interrogation, that the latest religious uprising in the northern part of your country was a Moslem against Moslem affair for the very first time. It was also gathered that as a result of this uprising, your administration applied, for the first time in the North, civilian pacification methods that Nigeria has reserved exclusively for the South since October 1, 1960, hence the spike in Moslem remittances.
Because we design our products to fit the profile of our existing or potential customers, I have been mandated to advertise some of our new products to you. After due consideration of the pattern of remittances from Nigeria, we have designed a brand new religious violence, militants eradication, and kidnappings portfolio that we believe your administration will find very attractive. I have included appropriate brochures and other advertisement material for consideration by your cabinet. If you subscribe to this new service, it will prevent us from dumping the Nigerians who arrive here under this new category in the needless and preventable deaths portfolio as has been the case in the past. To encourage you to sign up for this portfolio, the first two thousand civilians to arrive here as a result of your administration’s continuous pacification of the primitive tribes of the Niger Delta will be admitted free of charge.
I await a timely response to this letter from your administration.
Signed: Clerk of the Joint Consultative Assembly of Angels and Malaikas
Cc: His Excellency Distinguished Senator David Mark, Senate President
His Excellency Honorable Dimeji Bankole, House Speaker
His Excellency Chief Michael Aondoakaa (SAN), Stenographer-General of the Federation