While preparing for Nigeria’s 49th Independence anniversary episode of Tonight’s Show with Dr. Damages, someone sneaked into my office and dropped a transcript of a conversation between God and Nigeria’s president, Alhaji Umaru Yar’adua.
I have reproduced here the leaked transcript. It does not need any editorial or editing. So enjoy.
Angel Gabriel: (To Yar’adua) The reason we summoned you to this meeting is to let you make your supplication to God directly. We are offering this opportunity to you to see if that will work. Frankly, my boss is frustrated with you guys. You all are dragging the fate of the black race on the floor. He considered sending his son back again solely for the rescue of your country but the son has bluntly refused to return. And I don’t blame the man. You guys are full of BS. The boss thought about sending another prophet but all the prophets have either retired or have embarked on an indefinite strike. You should understand that one considering your situation with university lecturers. So this is our honest attempt at doing what you guys on earth call a paradigm shift. We want to try representative democracy instead of individual salvation. So when you go in there feel free to load off your worries. My advice is to ask all the questions you may have, answer the boss’s questions truthfully and make your requests for they will surely be granted. Ok?
Yar’adua: Ok.
(Yar’adua walks through the gate of heaven and beholds the shining throne. He prostrates.)
Yar’adua: Allah akbar!
God: Get up my son.
Yar’adua: Allah akbar!
God: I say get up my son.
(Yar’adua gets up.)
God: What can I do for your people?
Yar’adua: Allah akbar!
God: I heard you. How do you feel today?
Yar’adua: Allah, wallahi, I cannot believe I’m in your presence.
God: Yes, you are.
Yar’adua: And I am not dead?
God: No, you’re not.
Yar’adua: Wallahi tallahi!
God: So how are the people you’re ruling?
Yar’adua: Wa? I swear, Allah, it is not me that is ruling?
God: Who is ruling?
Yar’adua: It is my wife, Turai, and James Ibori.
God: So what do you do?
Yar’adua: I spend my time consulting diviners and medicine men.
God: What have you discovered in your consultations?
Yar’adua: That death comes as the end.
God: Do you know that many of your citizens pray to me to get ride of you?
Yar’adua: Yawwa. Allah, don’t mind them. They are ungrateful lazy bastards. I’m their first graduate president but they have hounded me from the very first day I came into office. They will not let me drink some water and put down the cup. As a matter of fact, some of them still consider me illegitimate even after the Supreme Court ruled in my favor.
God: Did you win the election in a free and far way?
Yar’adua: Haba, Allah, are you the one asking this question? You know the way we do it.
God: Which way?
Yar’adua: I mean, their agitation is not really about the election. After all, they all know that it was James Ibori that drew the master plan and executed it. They cannot possibly be serious about laying the blame on me.
God: So this Ibori of a man, what does he want?
Yar’adua: Is anyone listening to us?
God: No.
Yar’adua: Can I trust you?
God: I hope so.
Yar’adua: Frankly, I don’t know what he wants. I have gone naked in front of a shrine and sworn that I will not hand him over for prosecution. I know he is a rogue, a criminal of the highest order. But Allah, he has a strong hold on me.
God: Where does he hold you?
Yar’adua: There.
(Yar’adua points to the ground.)
God: Where?
Yar’adua: That soft spot with two nuts hidden between my thighs.
God: What soft spot?
Yar’adua: (Mutters) Me ya same ka? My scrotum.
God: So what are you gonna do about it?
Yar’adua: I should be asking you, Allah.
God: Do you want me to make it disappear?
Yar’adua: (Raises his voice) Please no. Not my scrotum.
God: If that will free you from Ibori, why not?
Yar’adua: I still need it to produce more daughters for some other up and coming governors.
God: What about your wife?
Yar’adua: No. Innaa. Not with this wife.
God: You plan to marry another wife?
Yar’adua: Yes, after I get new kidneys.
God: But what about your wife? The one we know.
Yar’adua: Yaya? What about her?
God: Is there anything you want me to do?
Yar’adua: That greedy bitch. I don’t think you want to touch that woman with a long spoon.
God: Why not?
Yar’adua: The day you embrace her, that same day, you, God, have embraced death.
God: Are you aware that 150 million of your people are suffering while you are busy sucking up to minors?
Yar’adua: Let them suffer. I’m trying to save my life.
God: What shall it benefit a man to lose his world and save his life?
Yar’adua: Wallahi, a whole lot. Fresh air, Allah. Fresh air. Anything different from the stink all around me.
God: If you can remove one single problem from Nigeria, what should that be?
Yar’adua: My bad kidney.
God: I mean from Nigeria.
Yar’adua: Oh, you choose. My wife, Turai. James Ibori. Andy Uba. Michael Aondoakka. You choose. Any of them will do.
God: I thought you would have said corruption.
Yar’adua: I did. They are corruption personified.
God: Here comes Nigeria’s 49 years as an independent nation…
Yar’adua: Don’t even go there. I know. I know…
God: Are you ashamed?
Yar’adua: For what? At least, we kept it as one.
God: Why is the Niger-Delta the way it is?
Yar’adua: Because I have exercised restraint.
God: What do you mean?
Yar’adua: I am yet to decide that the best thing to do is to make them disappear.
God: Why do you think your people are helpless in the face of unparallel hardship and suffering?
Yar’adua: Because you and I know they are stupid.
God: How come?
Yar’adua: Because instead of doing something about their situation, they waste their time praying for you to change things for them, including uttering that treasonable prayer to get ride of me. And when that is not working, they urge the military to take over power.
God: And?
Yar’adua: They have no way of knowing that the Allah they pray to consults me. Meanwhile the military government they dream of having will ruin their lives much more. For example, this Ibori that we are talking about was a petty thief in London until the military brought him home and made him a mega thief.
God: Where do you go from here?
Yar’adua: Saudi Arabia.
God: No, I mean what happens to your country?
Yar’adua: Well, it depends on what happens to my kidney.
God: Why didn’t you send the Vice-president to the UN to represent your country?
Yar’adua: I got a security report that said his illiterate wife planned to form a government in exile once they stepped into New York.
God: Then you should have sent the Vice-president alone.
Yar’adua: First of all, the Vice-president’s wife will beat him up if he mentions such arrangement to her. She will accuse him of going to New York to sleep with white hos. The second reason is that I suspect that the vice president is the one who leaks damaging stories and pictures to those disgruntled elements at Saharareporters.com.
God: Why did you pick Dikko Abdullahi as your Comptroller General of the Nigerian Customs Service when he does not have a high school certificate?
Yar’adua: What is the big deal? After all, he is running just the customs. People without high school certificate have run this country and run it well for that matter.
God: You got me there.
Yar’adua: Think of it. Does that angel by your gate have a high school certificate? I don’t think so.
God: I said you got me there.
Yar’adua: Umm hu. Sai dai.
God: So what happens next?
Yar’adua: I’m waiting for you to tell me.
God: You tell me. I brought you here to make that call.
Yar’adua: For real?
God: Yes. For real.
Yar’adua: I want you to….. (he hesitates)
God: To do what?
Yar’adua: To to to … (he stammers)
God: Say it.
Yar’adua: Sure?
God: Sure.
Yar’adua: I’m not sure you can do it.
God: Why not? Last time I checked, I was still God. I haven’t got an Ibori or Tura running things here.
Yar’adua: Ok. Ok. Ok.
God: Ok.
Yar’adua: I want you to turn Nigeria into America.
God: How long do I have?
Yar’adua: 40 days and 40 nights.
God: Thanks for giving me enough time. I was worried you would say in seven days. Consider it done.
Yar’adua: For real?
God: For real.
Yar’adua: Walhahi, I was just testing you.
God: What?
Yar’adua: There is only one thing you need to do for people to believe that I met with you.
God: What is that?
Yar’adua: Give me new kidneys.
God: That’s it?
Yar’adua: That’s it.
God: How long do I have?
Yar’adua; Today.
God: That’s easy. Today is still early. I was worried you would say now. Ok, go home and wait. Your kidneys will be replaced before today ends.
Yar’adua: Wace? Which one?
God: Ba ni wuri, snail?
(Yar’adua prostrates and heads home. He has been going home ever since. He crawls slowly and slowly, checking his kidneys every step of the way and patiently waiting for today to end. But today never ends.)
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