When I was a five year old, I watched my first concert. It was performed by the students of St. Monica’s women’s teachers’ training college, in Ogbunike. I recalled how the curtain opened and these young women, dressed in elegant gown, high heel shoes and long wigs came out to sing in their angelic voice, the song called Anambra State.
Then, I had no understanding what a burden it was to be born in Anambra State. For this special edition of the Tonight Show with Dr. Damages, I have invited the same choir to come and sing that same song for us. Three decades after, their voices have cracked, their backs have stooped and their faces are wrinkled. They are not wearing elegant gowns or high heel shoes or even wigs, but the essence of the song has remained the same. Please give it up to the St. Monica’s choir.
Conductor: (Raises his tuning fork. He turns to the right and left and strikes)
Choir: Anambra state
I’m happy to come from you
I’m happy to be associated with your progress
Tenor: What shall I do?
Choir: For the progress of my state
Tenor: What shall I do?
Choir: To make my state great?
Tenor: Selfless feats
Efficiency
And all that I can.
Choir: I will
Put in my best
To make my state
The best of states.
Dr. Damages: Please give a hand of applause to St Monica’s choir of 1976. Ain’t they wonderful?
(Applause)
Dr. Damages: In our program tonight, I have brought together the stakeholders in the Anambra state crises. This is the first time they are coming together in one room. When they walk onto the stage please give them a warm welcome. It is not easy to be amongst the stakeholders of a state.
From Nnewi, by way of Kings College, Lagos and Oxford University, in the United Kingdom, please welcome Dim Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu, Ikemba Nnewi and the eternal leader of the virtual state of Biafra.
(Applause)
From Oko, via NPN, please welcome the architect of the greatest political party in sub-Saharan Africa, the PDP and the former vice president of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, Dr. Alex Ekweueme.
(Applause)
From Agulu, by the grace of the Pope in Vatican, please welcome the current governor of Anambra state, Saint Peter Obi.
(Applause)
From Alor, via Onwa, by way of Aka Ikenga, please welcome the first kidnapping victim, former governor of Anambra State, Dr. Chris Ngige.
(Applause)
From Uga, via California Institute of Technology, Ojuelegba campus, please welcome the former house maid of President Olusegun Obasanjo and by the grace of God, the Anambra state Governor-in-Waiting, Dr. Andy Uba.
(Applause)
From Isuofia by way of the Central Bank of Nigeria, please welcome the money man and the sole creator of the banking boom, Gov. Chukwuma Soludo.
(Applause)
And last but not the least, from Uga, please welcome the first kidnapper and the general overseer of past Anambra crisis as well as the godfather of Anambra politics, Chief Chris Uba.
(Applause)
Dr. Damages: Gentlemen welcome to the show. You all watched the St. Monica’s choir sing about Anambra state of the golden days. What happened?
Ekwueme: Well, nothing happened. And that is the problem. Nothing changed. So everything remained the same. The premium for power only increased as time went by.
Dr. Damages: Are things the same, Ikemba?
Ojukwu: Of course not. The same Ekwueme’s NPN people that rigged me out in 1983 senatorial election have continued to rig elections today in their new toga, the PDP. Their sophistication is in advancing their corrupt practices. The chicken has come home to roost.
Dr. Damages: Governor Ngige, where did we get it wrong?
Ngige: To find the answer to that question, you have to go to the very beginning- at creation time. You see, no matter how many times you split Anambra state, as long as you have these core groups sitting at this table, it will remain the hot pot that it is. As bad as Gov. Mabadinuju was, he wasn’t as useless as the likes of Gov. Udenwa of Imo state or Gov. Kalu of Abia state or those people that have governed Ebonyi State and Enugu state. But the problem is that the people in Anambra State will not let you eat your ripe pear in one peace. While 99 % of Anambra people do not care, the 1% of people who care set your behind on fire.
Andy: I agree with Ngige that when ones pear is ripe, he should be allowed to enjoy it. And that is why I am paying, sorry, praying the court to declare me the governor-in-waiting because just like Gov. Obi, I won an election and I should be allowed to govern before another election takes place.
Obi: Andy, your election was not a legitimate election. It was not credible either. You cannot compare it to the one that brought me to power. The people voted for me. Ghosts voted for you.
Chris Uba: (speaking to Obi) My friend, go and sit down somewhere. We know how we do election in Nigeria. It is who know man; who know president; who know Maurice Iwu. That is all. Everything else is akuko na egwu Mike Ejeagha.
Dr. Damages: So Soludo, how are we going to ensure that Anambra does not deteriorate further into crisis? And as an intellectual, are you satisfied with the role you are playing in this current crisis?
Chris Uba: (interrupts) Inte-gini?
Soludo: First of all, I want to use this opportunity to urge Chris Uba to tell his gang to release my father. If anything happens to my father, it will be a fight to the finish. He knows I am a gentleman but I am also capable to unleashing violence if that is the language he understands.
Chris Uba: Don’t mind that stupid man. He go hide his father and come here to blame Chris Uba. Everything that happens to anyone in Anambra state it is blame Chris Uba. If your wife no get belle, it must be Chris Uba’s fault. If you steal government money and they catch you, it is Chris Uba. If you and your fellow bank criminals steal from investors and ruin the banking industry, it is Chris Uba who caused it. I am the mover, the decider, and the shaker, but I don’t need to kidnap your father to teach you a lesson. If I want to show you pepper, I will just squeeze your scrotum. You know your two tiny nuts are in my hands.
Ngige: I think the PDP should be disqualified for this coming election. They have failed to produce a candidate at the required deadline.
Soludo: May dog leak your eyes out. Bush meat.
Andy: (To himself) I miss Baba. If Baba in power all these nonsense will not be taking place. This sick president, na wa. I hear people say that unlike my OBJ, he has no balls. But which sick man has balls? His wife has more balls than him.
Dr. Damages: Dr. Ekwueme, how do we resolve this impasse?
Ekwueme: It is a family matter. I’m sure the PDP family will soon meet and reconcile our people.
Chris: I am a Board of Trustee member of our great party. And I have written it on a wall that does not leak. Over my dead body will Soludo be the PDP’s candidate for governor. The man is a thief. He gave me $10 million to support him. What does he think I am? A truck pusher? What is $10 million? Doesn’t he know that I spend it in a week, just like that? That money is not even enough to maintain my girlfriends’ lifestyle. The Anambra governor’s chair should not be given to a man whose only plan is to take immunity cover because of all the bad things he did at the Central Bank.
Ojukwu: There are some serious candidates who are solemn about the issues affecting our people. But these PDP charlatans are distracting us from the main discussions we should be having.
Chris Uba: I will pretend that I did not hear what you just said, just because you led us during the war. Otherwise…
Ekwueme: Ikemba has a point. I think Anambra needs a vigorous debate about issues and how to serve the people. It is not just vital to Anambra’s progress, it is necessary for the whole Igbo nation because when Anambra leads, others follow. But when Anambra dithers, as it has been doing in the last ten years, others dither.
Chris Uba: Old man shut up. I say shut the fuck up. What do you know about leadershiping? What do you know about politicsing? Failing politicians like you should retiring and leaving the staging for young bloods like us.
Dr. Damages: Yes, the young generation. Have the young once failed more than their parents?
Ngige: Since the inception of Anambra state, old and new, no governor has performed better than me. And I know the people will return me to power if only we could have a credible election.
Obi: I have produced a 20-point agenda, 30 point roadmaps, and 40 points of light. I have the most comprehensive strategic agenda endorsed by the United Nation’s development authorities and the International institute of planning and advancement. My contract with Anambra people is anointed by Catholic bishops of the Niger, Awka and Enugu. I have elevated the development indexes of our people since I took office. And that is why I need their mandate to continue with my divine mission.
Andy: Get away, Obi agba oso. Where is our security money you carted away from the state? You pretend to be holier than the pope but you are as black as Soludo’s father’s cooking pot inside the Okija bush. Oops! Did I just say that? I mean, I need just one month as governor to transform the state. One month. I believe the court will hear my prayers.
Soludo: What did you bring to Anambra state as President Obasanjo’s special assistant? Why should anyone believe that you will remember the people of the state when you become governor?
Andy: Soludo, go and answer the EFCC. Did you really make one naira for every naira you printed? I thought I was a genius the way I operated… owning mansions and private jets without owning a single bank account. But I suspect you are a smarter genius than I am.
Ojukwu: My concern is that Anambra state should not be turned into a play ground for the likes of Anineh and David Mark. It will be an all out war if anyone tries to interfere with the mandate of our people.
Chris Uba: Every time you speak, you say war war war. No be today we dey see hausa people and their spears. We rigged election in 2007, what happened? Why should we be afraid this time? Because Ojukwu said so? Listen, if my candidate gets the PDP ticket, the result of next year’s election will be this: My candidate will get 63% of the vote, Peter Obi will get 22% of the vote, Ngige will get 9% of the votes, and others will share what remains. You can take that to the bank.
Dr. Damages: Gov. Obi, you used to say that the society we abuse today will take its revenge on our children.
Chris Uba: (interrupts) The Ekwueme generation started the abuse. The society they created is taking its revenge on us.
Obi: Virgin Mary knows that I have not abused our society. I have only enhanced it. Peter Obi has not taken a kobo he does not earn. If I have done anything like that, let the door of heaven slam on my face. I have only one asset. It is my integrity. And I am not ready to put it on the line.
Soludo: So what happened with the 250 million you have been siphoning out each month? Didn’t you say you will not run for a second term? Didn’t you say that the next title you will have is an ex-governor? Isn’t it a case of the dance turning sweet and you becoming a fanatical dancer?
Obi: Satan, go you behind me. Rumors, innuendoes, unsubstantiated allegations will not distract me from the divine task at hand. I refused to let that happen. God knows that I was a very rich man before I became governor. The Pope prayed for me at St. Paul’s cathedral in Rome and I am marching on.
Dr. Damages: Ngige, is the solution in dividing Anambra State further?
Chris Uba: Cut off the Nnewi-Nnobi-Nnenni axes and there will be peace.
Ngige: Who do you cut off? You can cut off Onitsha and Awka but what remains will still be the Anambra state. And as long as you have the Aguata axes in the mix, it is going to remain hot. It is the axes of discord.
Andy: Give me one month and I will rebrand Anambra state. Just one month. I will make Vision 2020 arrive at the speed of light.
Chris Uba: My candidate has a plan to remain Anambra state. I think the problem is with the name. Anambra river is a great river but the spirits in that river are powerful. It has the most dreadful mermaids living in it. They make the people of the state strong-headed.
Dr. Damages: What will be the new name, Chris?
Chris Uba: Uba state. The wealth state. It will become a respectable state once again. The state that produced Dr. Nnamdi Azikwe, Chinua Achebe, Chike Obi, Emeka Anyoku, Sir Louis Mbanefo and Chief Chris Uba will regain its respectabiliting.
Ekwueme: (Laughs)
Chris Uba: Old man, what is so funny?
Ekwueme: Nothing, my son. I’m just laughing because you forgot to mention two of us here.
Chris Uba: For your information, I’m not your son. Your sons are useless nonentities. If they are not, they would have been involved in the politics of Anambra state.
Ojukwu: We are not dividing Anambra state anymore. We have had enough divisions as it is. What we need is to find our common denominator. And I think it should be around service of our people. They do not care what we are haggling about today. All they want is for us to improve their lives.
Dr. Damages: Obi, you once said and I quote. “If I do not get Onitsha turned around I will go home. I’m not desperate for this job.” Why do you all seem desperate for this job?
Chris Uba: I am not running for governor. I cannot be running for a position that I am bigger than.
Soludo: (stands up and walks toward Chris Uba) Where is my father, Chris? Where is he? I’m going to deal with you.
Chris Uba: Go and sit down. You cannot be does nothing.
(Chris stands up and holds Soludo on the collar. Ekwueme goes to help, Chris uses his right leg to kick Ekwueme. Ekwueme’s butt slams the floor. Ojukwu gives Ekwueme hand as he stands up and heads to the door.)
Dr. Damages: On that note, I want to thank all my guests today. Until next time, goodnight and God bless Anambra state. And as we say in Awka, it shall be well with Anambra State.
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