(Below is the script of the performance Dr. Njakiri Damages was supposed to give at the Award Dinner for the Top 50 Nigerians in America. Unfortunately, Dr. Damages was not allowed into the five star hotel because he was not properly dressed).
(Below is the script of the performance Dr. Njakiri Damages was supposed to give at the Award Dinner for the Top 50 Nigerians in America. Unfortunately, Dr. Damages was not allowed into the five star hotel because he was not properly dressed).
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This is a great day for Nigeria. Today, we will put away the gloomy news and celebrate the great people our dear country has produced.
The truth is that we have some areas of life where we are ahead of countries like America. For instance, in Nigeria, we respect our elders. We do not discriminate against them. We do not lock them up in nursing homes. But in America, old men are discriminated against. Meanwhile, America claims to love diversity and is an equal opportunity employer. While past U.S. presidents like Jimmy Carter and George H. Bush are left hawking apartheid books and jumping out of planes respectively, Nigeria’s past leaders are all free to run for the presidency. They give us the comparative advantage - a team of swift and sweet men of timbre and caliber.
In November, for the first time ever, Americans are going to elect a witch to the U.S. senate. But since the beginning of time, we have been electing witches and wizards to the Senate and House of Representative. In State houses and local government areas, we have had witches and wizards running things for ages. In fact, didn’t we recently send one witch packing out of Aso Rock? And we did not wait for the cobwebs that lined the road from Abuja to Kastina to clear, we immediately replaced her with another witch from Imo river.
Welcome to Sheraton Hotel, in Hauppauge, Long Island. When I got this gig, I went to Google to check all past assemblies of Nigerians in the US. I checked conventions of the Omo Oduduwa group, the World Igbo Organization, the Arewa group, the Urhobo group etc etc. None had the quality of people gathered here today. This is the most extraordinary collection of Nigerian talents that ever gathered to dine overseas; with the possible exception of when Philip Emeagwali dined alone at the Paris Hilton Hotel, the night he became the father of the internet.
Did you all watch the rescue of the Chilean miners? What an inspiring moment that was! I know what you are thinking. That I am going to tell a joke about what would have happened had it been in Nigeria. That would be a cheap joke. I am interested in something more serious that happened. You know, after 69 days in the dark, the miners were a little confused about day and night, as well as time and year. It did not help that when they got home and turned on their TV to CNN English service, they saw Babangida being interviewed.
“He is still the president of Nigeria?” one of the miners asked.
“How long were we in that hole?” another asked. “Did we go back in time?”
By now, many of you must be thinking – who is this stupid man making lame jokes here? I wonder the same. I do not know why Laolu Akande, the CEO of Empowered Newswire Agency, asked me to come here and do this. I must confess that I wasn’t his first choice. I wasn’t even his second choice. I suspect that he called on me because his first choice, the Ogidigborigbo of Africa could not make it. The Double High Chief is delayed on Dubai-U.S Highway. Empowered newswire wanted to get that woman who used to run the Oceanic bank as his replacement but she is attending a Deeper Life Retreat in Kirikiri. So they had no option but to call on me – the Ogidigborigbo of New York.
So you are stuck with me for the night. And quite frankly, it feels more like I am stuck with you. So you better start smiling and laughing. The earlier you do so, the quicker I’m done.
At this point, we all need to give Laolu Akande a hand of applause for putting it all together. It is not an easy feat. If it were an easy thing to do, 50 different Nigerian groups would have given 50 different Awards to 50 different Nigerians to mark Nigeria’s 50th Independence Day celebration.
Many of you who are not receiving any awards came here today because Laolu invited you. But I am not sure that you know him very well. I have known Laolu for sometime now. I used to live one town away from him. And I can tell you that he is the only editor I know who does not worship the devil.
I am an editor – a demented one, I must add. I worship the devil. It is not because I like the devil. It is simply because the devil is the person who gives editors front page news.
I worship the devil. But I am not a devil.
So it bothers me that in all societies, the honorable profession of journalism is the least respected. Journalists get lower ratings than politicians, lawyers and even prostitutes. A good politician will promise to build a bridge where there is no water. A smart lawyer can free a murderer whose body is still covered with the blood of the victim. A skilled prostitute can kill your husband’s sex drive. What do reporters do that is so terrible? Ok. Other than collecting plots of land from Abuja politicians they are supposed to cover. (Sorry, Reuben, I could not resist that). What do reporters do that is so terrible? Did you say they gossip? They don’t publish good news? How is it said again, “the only countries where newspapers are full of good news are those countries where the prisons are full of good people.”
Talking about good news, before we came on the air, I checked Saharareporters.com. The lead story was a picture of Maurice Iwu’s new home in Abuja. The former INEC chairman, who has returned to his herbal medicine practice, has just moved into a new mansion – he now lives in a better neighborhood. His house is sandwiched between Ojo Maduekwe’s mansion and Andy Uba’s mansion. Saharareporter’s cameraman who went to take the picture of the house immediately after the movers left, picked up an envelope that fell off the moving truck. He opened it and lo and behold, it was the result of next year’s election. You can see a copy of it at Saharareporters website.
Amongst the dignitaries here to grace this occasion is the Nigerian ambassador to the United Nations, Prof. Joy Ogwu. Yes. You can applaud. If you think she is elegantly dressed today, it only means that you did not see the iconic picture of our own Prof. Ogwu welcoming the Queen of England, Queen Elizabeth 11, to the United Nations’ General Assembly. That classic picture is for the ages.
“How is Her Majesty’s prime real estate in Africa doing?” The Queen asked, after shaking Prof. Ogwu’s hand.
“Excellent,” Prof. Ogwu answered.
“Has it learned how to walk?” the Queen asked.
“Oh, it skipped that stage,” Prof Ogwu answered. “It’s running now.”
“You lying bastard!” the Queen muttered to herself.
“Her Majesty,” Prof Ogwu said, “How is the heir apparent doing?”
“Excellent,” the Queen answered.
“Has he learned how to wave?” Prof Ogwu asked.
“He still has time,” the Queen answered. “His father is still learning how to tie his shoes.”
“Ndi okorobia sef! Anu ofia!” Prof. Ogwu muttered to herself.
Amongst the honorees here today is a man who crushed a leopard with his foot while carrying an elephant on his head. Congrats, my brother! Another man took all that was great about the molue and used it to design the Volts.
Believe me, it’s going to be a great night. Now, you all should relax and enjoy the evening. I can assure you that there are no reporters here today. What happens in Hauppauge stays in Hauppauge.
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