Main Entry: 1prej·u·dice
Pronunciation: \ˈpre-jə-dəs\
Function: noun
1: injury or damage resulting from some judgment or action of another in disregard of one's rights; especially: detriment to one's legal rights or claims
2a (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge
b : an instance of such judgment or opinion
c : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics
Synonyms: animosity, antipathy, apartheid, aversion, bad opinion, bias, bigotry, contemptuousness, detriment, discrimination, disgust, dislike, displeasure, disrelish, enmity, foregone conclusion, injustice, mindset, misjudgment, narrow-mindedness, one-sidedness, partiality, preconceived notion, preconception, prejudgment, prepossession, repugnance, revulsion, spleen, til, umbrage, unfairness.
Main Entry: 1prej·u·dice
Pronunciation: \ˈpre-jə-dəs\
Function: noun
1: injury or damage resulting from some judgment or action of another in disregard of one's rights; especially: detriment to one's legal rights or claims
2a (1) : preconceived judgment or opinion (2) : an adverse opinion or leaning formed without just grounds or before sufficient knowledge
b : an instance of such judgment or opinion
c : an irrational attitude of hostility directed against an individual, a group, a race, or their supposed characteristics
Synonyms: animosity, antipathy, apartheid, aversion, bad opinion, bias, bigotry, contemptuousness, detriment, discrimination, disgust, dislike, displeasure, disrelish, enmity, foregone conclusion, injustice, mindset, misjudgment, narrow-mindedness, one-sidedness, partiality, preconceived notion, preconception, prejudgment, prepossession, repugnance, revulsion, spleen, til, umbrage, unfairness.
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Fellow Citizens,
The above extract obtained from a dictionary details the meaning and synonyms of the word PREJUDICE. The term prejudice often has different meanings to different people in different parts of the world. In most parts of the world the term prejudice is associated with a preconception against a person or a group of people on the basis of race, age, disability, religion or gender. Within the Nigerian context, prejudice predominately occurs in relation to a preconception against a person or a group of people on the basis of their tribe.
In this article, rather than focus on the tribal prejudices prevalent in Nigeria, I will be discussing another form of prejudice, which though prevalent, is rarely discussed in our society. The prejudice that I will be discussing is the prejudicial attitudes towards the unmarried.
This form of prejudice affects a cross section of Nigerians including male and female; young and old; rich and poor; Muslims and Christians; Nigerians at home and in Diaspora; members of the Yoruba, Igbo, Hausa, Urhobo and the remaining 246 tribes in the country.
Before going further I would like to define the terms “Nigerian society” and “unmarried”. For the purpose of this article, the term ‘Nigerian society’ refers to (1) the Nigerian community based in Nigeria and (2) the Nigerian community in Diaspora.
The word “unmarried” refers to a male or female above the age of 24 years of age who is not married or has no spouse.
While I appreciate that, not every member of the Nigerian society discriminates against the unmarried, I still have an obligation to write this open letter to the Nigerian society to highlight these prejudices.
This letter is specifically addressed to the following segments of the Nigerian society: It is addressed to parents and relatives of the unmarried, who often place undue pressure and sometimes subject the unmarried to psychological torture and mental abuse; It is addressed to policymakers to highlight the causes and impact of the prejudicial attitudes inflicted on the unmarried and it calls on policymakers to implement policies to discourage these prejudices; It is addressed to religious leaders to highlight how some of their actions towards the unmarried, though sincere, could be construed to be discriminatory and how their actions incite others to be prejudiced towards the unmarried. It is addressed to the married segment of our society to educate them as to why no stigma should be attached to the unmarried. It is also written to raise awareness of how the actions of a number of married people cause mental anguish on the unmarried. It is also written to encourage the unmarried.
Classification
The unmarried segment in Nigerian society can be classified into two categories, namely gender and age categories. Within the gender category there are two sub-categories i.e. the unmarried male group and the female unmarried group. Similarly, the age category has two sub-categories comprising of the under thirties unmarried group and the over thirties unmarried group.
Relative to their female counterparts, the bachelors are fairly treated by society. Even though bachelors older than 35 years of age sometimes experience prejudicial abuses, it is still modest in comparison to the prejudices inflicted on their unmarried females counterparts.
For the unmarried females, the reverse is the case. Once they reach the age of thirty the prejudicial attacks become excessive, unbearable and ridiculous. Furthermore, the more successful an unmarried lady becomes, the more likely she becomes a target for insults, mockery and gossip.
Factors Contributing To Prejudices Towards the Unmarried
This section explores the factors that contribute to the prejudices inflicted upon the unmarried. There are five possible causes: cultural factors, ignorance, low self-esteem, societal pressure and religious factors.
Cultural: In Nigerian society it is often considered a taboo for a lady to be over thirty years of age and unmarried. This could be partly due to the way women were viewed in the past. They were once regarded as chattels with roles restricted to cooking, assisting with farm work and ‘producing or manufacturing’ babies. Though times have changed since then, ladies are still sometimes seen in that light. Consequently an unmarried lady above the age of thirty is often regarded by society as, wasting her potentials, as she is not in her husband’s home cooking and ‘manufacturing’ babies. As a result she could be regarded as a failure and a menace to society for debasing womanhood.
Some may say, “Why bother to speak on something that is ingrained in our culture?” In response I would say that just because something is culturally acceptable does not mean it is right. Cultural influences can be divided into good cultural influences and bad cultural influences. While I am in support of positive cultural practices, I strongly believe that negative cultural practices should be discontinued.
Ignorance: A major contributory factor towards societies prejudice regarding the unmarried, is ignorance. Some people may argue that they are not being prejudiced but are more likely being sincere in showing their concern. For such line of reasoning Martin Luther King’s statement comes in handy: “Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance”.
A number of people have a preconceived notion that a person who in their own estimation should be married and is not, has a problem. For a single lady it is not uncommon to hear people attribute reasons for her spinsterhood. Some tend to argue that she is wayward and as a result no man wants to marry her; others tend to reason that she is arrogant and thinks the world of herself; some tend to suggest that it is because she is too educated or that she has carried out numerous abortions. In contrast, for a guy, some people assume that he is either impotent, a eunuch or a member of a cult.
Low Self Esteem: Another likely contributor is the low self-esteem on the part of some members of the married segment of our society. Sometimes, people get their validation from their married status. They often feel that being married is a badge of honour that entitles them to be a member of an ‘elite club’. As a result, when they encounter an unmarried colleague, friend or relative who they feel should be married, the first action they take is to put the person down by suggesting that he or she has a problem and should therefore join the ’married elite’ in order to solve the problem. Unfortunately, a number of people in our society do not feel accomplished until they have got a wedding ring on their left finger.
Societal Pressure: Unmarried ladies in Nigeria are often subjected to direct and indirect emotional and psychological abuse via societal pressure. As a result of the cultural issues discussed earlier, people who are connected to the unmarried such as parents, siblings, relatives and friends, sometimes act as hoses that sprinkle the prejudicial ‘water’ on those ‘unfortunate’ not to be married. When parents of the unmarried go out to parties or interact with friends they are often barraged with questions such as “When is your daughter going to get married?” “What efforts are you putting in place to make sure that your daughter marries?”; “Don’t you realize that your daughter is not getting any younger”. Consequently, when the parents see their unmarried daughter they often put undue pressure on these ladies telling them that they are bringing shame to the family.
Religion: Unfortunately, religious institutions are not immune from being used as instruments of prejudicial attacks on the unmarried. The actions of a number of religious leaders have contributed to an atmosphere that exacerbates prejudiced attacks on the unmarried.
For instance, the prevalence of ‘single’ fellowship, though sincere, has sometimes created situations whereby the unmarried are treated like second-class citizens. The unmarried in the church are sometimes isolated resulting in less interaction with the married segment of the church. This separation sometimes creates room for suspicion leading to some insecure married ladies believing that the ‘second-class’ unmarried ladies are out to ‘snatch’ their husbands. If this marital apartheid is not managed well the church can become a two-tier institution with an elite married group and a second-class ‘singles’ group.
Furthermore, some pastors are known to suggest that unmarried people above the age of 30 have problems. I recollect an instance whereby a pastor was informed of a guy in his late thirties who was not married and the pastor’s response was “Well if he is not married at that age, then he has a problem”. Pastors sometimes suggest that a ‘spirit wife’ or ‘spirit husband’ possesses these unmarried men and ladies. Others hint witchcraft as a possible cause for their singleness. The unmarried are then pressurized to engage in deliverance programs in order to exorcise the ‘demon of singleness’.
A Hypothetical Example
The life of an unmarried lady in a typical Nigerian setting is often marked with sorrow, tears and blood, especially if she happens to be successful, well educated and over 30 years of age. This section details the tragic hypothetical story of a 38-year old lady by the name of Miss Chioma Hauwa Adedeji.
Chioma is a beautiful highflying Corporate Financier working in a leading bank in Lagos. She holds a first class degree in Economics from University of Lagos and has a PhD in Financial Engineering from an Ivy League university in addition to two Masters degrees in Econometrics and Business Administration.
When Chioma was a little girl, she usually overheard her parent’s discussions about her unmarried 34-year-old aunty called Bisi. The 7-year-old Chioma would listen to her parents talk about how Bisi had become the ridicule of the family because she was not married. Whenever Aunty Bisi came to visit the Adedeji’s a sizable amount of time was spent with Chioma’s parents scolding Bisi because of her unmarried status. As a result of the never-ending attacks Aunty Bisi stopped visiting the Adedeji’s. Upon witnessing Aunty Bisi’s dilemma little Chioma was determined to get married at an early age to avoid the harassment experienced by Aunty Bisi.
Eight years later Chioma, an extremely intelligent and confident girl, gained admission into University of Lagos to study economics. Her parents and the rest of the extended family were so proud of Chioma’s accomplishment as she was the youngest Nigerian to gain admission into a higher institution in that academic year.
Chioma was the envy of her schoolmates, cousins and other family members. Four years later, at the age of 19, she graduated top of her class with a first class degree in economics and was the best graduating student in the whole university. During the next six years she completed two Masters degrees and held a number of senior positions in various financial institutions in Lagos and Abuja. By the age of twenty-five Chioma had become a role model for many people and everyone looked up to her. Life could not have been sweeter for Chioma. However, that all changed for Chioma on her 26th birthday.
One Saturday morning on the 25th of September Chioma was woken up by a knock on her bedroom door. Her dad and mum stepped into the bedroom and after wishing her a happy birthday they told her that they wanted to have a long chat. They then told Chioma that it was time for her to settle down and get married. “You have read enough and we think you should stop further studying and discontinue driving your flashy car as it would repel potential suitors away” the mother said. Chioma, who was in tears, was told how she had now become a reproach to the family as a result of her unmarried status.
These types of discussions became a weekly and annual event up to her 30th birthday. On Chioma’s 30th birthday her parents once again scolded her, this time however, the psychological torture became more intense. She was told that she is not getting younger and that her ‘biological clock was ticking’. Her parents warned her that if she was not married by her next birthday she should leave the house as the mere sight of her made them sick. As she was undergoing this psychological torture from her parents her phone rang. Looking at the incoming call details on her mobile phone Chioma saw it was her grandmother calling. Chioma answered the call from her grandmother who called to wish Chioma a happy birthday. After exchanging pleasantries the grandmother also scolded her for not getting married. “I need to see my great grand child before I die, so please get married, ” said the grand mum “my back is itching me, I need to carry my great grandchild on my back”.
After this discussion with her parents and grandmother Chioma realized that she was now following the path that Aunty Bisi passed through twenty-three year earlier. At this point Chioma’s immunity against the continuous prejudicial attack was finally broken. Consequently, the following week after her 30th birthday, Chioma left the house and rented her own apartment in Victoria Island.
If Chioma thought that leaving home would be the solution she was in for a rude shock as her friends took over the baton from her parents. Her so-called friends constantly reminded her that, by living on her own, she had reduced her chances of finding a suitor as she had become ‘too independent’. Her married friends mocked her saying words that gave Chioma sleepless nights. She constantly listened to insults like “ Better get married soon, or do you want my children to be calling you aunty”; “If care is not taken, my daughter who is 2 years old may get married before you”; “Look at where your education has taken you to, you can’t even find a decent man to marry”; “You are not getting any younger, look into the mirror and you will see that you have wrinkles all over your face“; “Which man in his right senses would want to marry an expired woman like you?”
Like Hannah in the scriptures, who was constantly mocked by Peninnah, Chioma was constantly provoked and mocked by her friends. After some time Chioma’s married friends stopped associating with her for fear that the unmarried Chioma could end up taking their husbands.
Feeling frustrated, Chioma went to the House of the Lord to seek refuge. Unfortunately for her, Pastor James (the pastor in charge of Chioma’s church) and his wife Felicia, took over from where Chioma’s friend’s had left.
Ignoring the teachings and life of Jesus, which is full of love, compassion and reconciliation, Pastors James and Felicia opted to mock Chioma and make her feel insecure. “You are possessed with the demon of a spirit husband,” they said “otherwise, how can one explain a beautiful, intelligent and confident lady like you not finding a man, when lesser qualified and intelligent ladies are in their husband’s home.”
Feeling abandoned by family, friends and colleagues, a frustrated, depressed and emotionally ruined Chioma left her apartment on 31 December and drove to the Third Mainland Bridge. Suddenly, she stopped the car in the middle of the bridge. With tears steaming down her face Chioma got out of her car and jumped into the river.
When the police arrived at the scene they found a suicide note written by Chioma which read:
Dear Dad, Mum, Relatives and Friends,
By the time you read this letter, I will be FREE.
Free from hurt; Free from pain; Free from sorrow; Free from hate; Free from bondage; Free from your constant harassment; Free from seeing you again; Free from your prejudices.
I AM FREE; I AM FREE; I AM FREE.
Though Chioma’s story is hypothetical, many unmarried ladies in our society would have experienced similar prejudices at some point in their lives.
My experience
If some of you still think that the hypothetical story of Chioma is an isolated case, or that men are not subjected to these prejudices, then I will give you an example from my own personal experience.
In March last year , my wonderful and lovely mother died. As I was in the UK I had to rush over to Nigeria for her burial. Shortly after I paid my last respects and just after my mother was buried, some so-called relatives and family friends, rather than comfort me, chose to use the occasion of my mum’s burial to question me on my marital status.
These people, who were more bothered with my marital status than my mums death, asked “Why are you not married?”; “When are you getting married?” Others, went to my siblings asking, “When is Ahmed getting married?”; “We want to attend Ahmed’s wedding”.
Even though I found the attitude of these people shocking, their prejudice was still child’s play compared to what was to come later. A couple of days after my mums burial two other people came over to me at different times saying “Ahmed, perhaps the cause of your mothers death could have been because you are not yet married”.
From my experience and that of Chioma and millions of other unmarried Nigerians, one can see how prejudiced our community could be towards the unmarried.
Impact of the Prejudices
The continual prejudicial attacks on the unmarried segment of our society has several effects including: incompatible marriages, restrained relationships and psychological impact.
Incompatible Marriages: Due to the societal pressure to join the ‘elite marriage club’, a number of unmarried people are pressurized into getting married in order to stop the flow of prejudices. Consequently, they enter into marriage for the wrong motives. In other instances the unmarried sometimes end up marrying people who they are not compatible with. Furthermore, the other party could take advantage of the desperation of his/her spouse.
A number of people have entered into marriages from hell and ended up with spouses that abuse them, not only mentally, but also physically. Could this societal prejudice, which often pushes people into marriage for the wrong reasons, be a contributory factor for the increasing trend of marital breakdown in our society today?
Restrained Relationship: Another consequence of our continued prejudices to the unmarried is a breakdown in relationships. From Chioma’s story one can see the tension these prejudices cause. It has often resulted in breakdowns in relationships between mothers and daughters, sons and fathers, aunties and nieces, pastors/imams and congregation members etc. Once these relationships breakdown it sometimes takes years to restore. In other instances these relationships are never restored.
Psychological Impact: One damaging impact of societal prejudice towards the unmarried is the psychological impact on the victims. While the oppressors might think they are acting out of love or genuine concern, they fail to realize the emotional pain they inflict on the oppressed party. Some unmarried people have found these prejudices psychologically dehumanising and have developed a number of disorders like depression, insomnia, fatigue etc.
Human Rights
Article 5 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights states that “No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment”. Likewise, section 34 of the Nigerian Constitution states that “Every individual is entitled to respect for the dignity of his/her person”. Furthermore, Article 5 of the African Charter On Human And People's Rights (which Nigeria has signed and ratified) stipulates, “Every individual shall have the right to the respect of the dignity inherent in a human being.”
The prejudices faced by the unmarried in our society is not only an issue of injustice and unnecessary interference, it is also a breach of their human rights. When a person is treated as an outcast because he is unmarried; when a person is subjected to ridicule because she is unmarried; when people face psychological torture, emotional hurt and mental anguish because they are unmarried, it is then time for men and women of conscience to stand up and say “enough is enough”.
As Nigeria is a member state of the United Nations and African Union, it has an obligation to promote and protect human rights as stated in the above-mentioned Human Rights declarations. It is therefore imperative for the government to look into these prejudicial attacks on the unmarried and implement policies to stop this gross abuse of people’s human rights.
I also implore the United Nations Commission on Human Rights to work in conjunction with policy makers and NGO’s in Nigeria with a view to putting an end to these prejudices.
The Way forward
Having highlighted examples, impact and causes of prejudicial attacks on the unmarried segment of the Nigerian society, this section discusses steps that should be taken to address the high incidence of discrimination towards the unmarried in our society. A lasting solution would require the input of government, parents, married and unmarried people, religious leaders etc.
As explained earlier, government has a role to play in discouraging these abuses. Government and other NGO’s could implement public enlightenment campaigns to educate the populace on the ills of its prejudicial treatment towards the unmarried. Legislation could be put in place to make it illegal to discriminate against anyone on the basis of his or her martial status. NGO’s and government could also set up centres to provide support and counseling for victims of prejudicial attacks.
Religious leaders should be more open-minded towards unmarried people. Rather than embarrass them for their unmarried status they should show love. The discriminatory practices in a number of religious organizations should be discontinued. Religious leaders could present a more balanced view of singleness rather than presenting the asymmetric view that prevails in a number of religious organizations.
Parents need to show more love and tolerance towards their unmarried children. Furthermore, they should not bow to societal pressure and should not make life miserable for their children. If parents are subjected to pressure from extended family members they should rebuke them and tell them not to interfere in their domestic affair. Extended family members should learn to be less intrusive and stop assuming that there is a stigma attached to singleness.
The married segment of our society should not forget that they were once unmarried. They might need to ask themselves the question of how they would have felt if someone was prejudiced against them when they were unmarried. They should understand that being unmarried is not a disease, curse or taboo.
For the unmarried my message to you is that you should not let anybody strip you of your dignity just because of your marital status. Remember, there is a time for everything. Being unmarried offers you the chance to discover yourself and do things, which are more difficult to achieve while married. My advice is that you should not let anyone rush you into marriage because of their prejudices; rather take your time in ensuring that you find the right person. Also, the unmarried should learn to celebrate their singleness, rather than despise it.
Clarification
For those that may suggest that I oppose the institution of marriage, I would like to lay down six declarations:
• I strongly believe in the institution of marriage.
• I strongly believe that the benefits of marriage far outweigh any demerits.
• I strongly believe that God is the author of marriage.
However,
• I also believe that it is not a sin to be unmarried.
• I also believe that there should be no stigma attached to any unmarried person.
• I also believe that unmarried people, especially unmarried ladies over the age of thirty, deserve to be treated by society as human beings.
Conclusion
What should men and women of conscience, who are concerned about the societies prejudicial attitude towards the unmarried, do? I appeal to these men and women to take a stand against the gross injustice prevalent in our society. If they notice any instance of prejudicial attack against the unmarried I implore them to speak up.
Some of you men and women of conscience may want to make a change but a voice could be telling you, “my voice is inconsequential and cannot make a difference.” Please remember, that throughout history, change has come from the minority segment of society whose lone voices overwhelmed the prevailing voices supporting the status quo. Mary Slessor’s voice was a lone voice speaking against the ills of the slaying of twins, when the prevailing voices believed that the birth of twins was an evil sign; Martin Luther’s voice was a lone voice speaking against the corruption and excesses of the church leadership, when the prevailing voices supported the exploitation of the congregation; Mohammed Ali’s voice was a lone voice speaking against the unjust war in Vietnam, when the prevailing voices justified the war in Vietnam; Fela’s voice was a lone voice singing and protesting about the oppression of the masses, when the prevailing voices sang praises for the rich , affluent and famous.
President Obama put it right when he said:
“One voice can change a room, and if one voice can change a room,
then it can change a city, and if it can change a city,
it can change a state, and if it change a state,
it can change a nation, and if it can change a nation,
it can change the world. Your voice can change the world”.
In conclusion, I would like to rephrase what Martin Luther Kings said over 45 years ago:
I long for Nigeria to be a nation in which people would not be judged by whether they are married or not married, but by the content of their character.
Regards
Ahmed Olayinka Sule, CFA
[email protected]
PS: If you would like to discuss any of the issues contained in this letter please feel free to contact me by email using the address detailed above , otherwise , you can go to my blog
http://zangodare.wordpress.com/2010/10/23/prejudice/ and leave your comments.
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