(In the light of the recent news of a Nigerian man in Atlanta shooting his wife, we republish this piece first published in 2007.)
There are so many reasons to kill your wife, a wife, any wife. I knew this even before I got married. So I am not going to debate that with you after five years of marriage.
If I want, I can call you stupid – stupid for ignoring that warning written on gwomgworo, 911 lorry, plying Onitsha-Nsukka road that says, "Fear Women." You did not fear women. You stubbornly went ahead and got married. I wanted to say, "Ntoo," but I didn’t because what I intend to say here is serious, and I do not want to lose you.
So let’s jump to the reasons why you may need to kill your wife.
She makes more money than you do. Okay, it’s not really the higher earning power that pisses you off, it is the spending. She does not hand the paycheck to you so you can decide what it should be spent on. Okay, I know. You don’t really want her to hand the money over to you, you are not that kind of bushman. In fact, you don’t even care what she spends it on. You just don’t want her to demean you in the manner that she spends the money. Yes, like building a storey building in her father’s compound when your parents still live in a mud house. After all, you brought her to America and paid her school tuition as well as the mortgage while she studied nursing. You did that by driving a taxi. You deserve more respect.
Ha, she came from a well-to-do family. Yes, the high society elite family. You got to marry her because you live in America. America nullifies status and allows you to cross the social line. You lied to her about what you were doing in America. But you have since resolved that. You thought she only married you just to come to America, but you have had three kids and you have forgotten about that fear. You have begun real estate agent classes, so you will soon be wearing suit and tie. But now, her family is telling her what to do. She is listening to them. They are treating you like trash. Yes, especially that evil mother-in-law. They won’t back up from your marriage. Everyone is still mocking you. You brought her to America, and this is the thanks that you get.
You did not tell me, but I heard it through the wide-open grapevine. She is following other men. She did not tell you that you were not satisfying her in bed or that you are too old for her. But she is following younger men, some half your age. No, it wasn’t the akata men that made you mad, it was other Nigerian men who now tell everyone that your wife is "Mrs. Donatus." It breaks your heart and makes you feel impotent when you know you are not. You have even gone out of your way to buy books and films just to help improve your sex life. But it looks like it is too little too late. It doesn’t seem like she will come back to you.
Didn’t I hear you say that she isn’t beautiful anymore? You said you needed to find younger women to make you feel young again. But being as stubborn as she is, she won’t let you be. She keeps following you around, threatening to divorce you and take you to the cleaners. You have said to her that if it were in Africa, you would have married additional three wives. I hear you. You need to do something to stop her. The nagging, the fighting, and the threat to half of all you worked very hard for. I hear you. The insurance business you have been building for the last twenty years.
I heard that the judge awarded her $3000 in child support money every month. He also gave her and the kids your home. Add that to the $4000 she makes in a month and you will see why she has too much money that she throws around with one boyfriend after another. Meanwhile, you make $4000 a month and after paying her the money that she squanders, you are left with $1000. It is not enough to pay the rent in your small apartment. Not enough to begin your life again. Now, she doesn’t even want you to have visitation rights. She lies to the judge that you are a threat to your own children, just like she lied that you make more money than you actually do. It is provocative. I know.
She said she went to university in Nigeria. You brought her here and had hoped to send her to nursing school. She could not pass even the CNA class. She has failed nursing entrance examination four times. She is so dumb that you often think she needs help crossing the road. She is good at watching TV. That’s it. She won’t even keep the house clean. She is a liability you need to get rid of as safely as possible.
There are many reasons to kill your wife, a wife, any wife. I bet you can come up with more and more.
For now, I want to tell you about an armed robber I admired so much. He was 63 years old. He walked into a bank and gave the teller a note saying that he was robbing the bank. The teller gave him all the money she had on her station and pressed the red button. The man walked out of the door and handed the money to the bank’s security guard. He waited for the police. They came and arrested him. Upon investigation, it was discovered that earlier the man had given out all his valuables and had returned his apartment key to his landlord, telling him he would not be coming back. When asked why he did what he had done, the robber said he could only get minimum wage jobs and was tired of living hand-to-mouth. He said he felt it would be better to spend two years in prison, with free food and free medical care and by the time he is out, he is qualified to collect social security benefit.
That is the robber after my heart.
Just before you kill your wife, decide on where you will wait for the police. I don’t want to hear that you ran into the bush or took off in a car with your kids. You embarrass me by that kind of action. You know they will catch you so why don’t you do the honorable thing and act like you are ready for them.
So before you kill your wife, pay off what you owe Igbo organization of your city, including the one for the Igbo House Project so that if you die in prison they may send your body home, which is necessary for you to reincarnate. Oh, never mind. For a moment, I forgot that those who committed alu, abomination, do not reincarnate.
Just before you kill your wife, return that Nigerian movie you borrowed from me. You don’t have to pay off your credit cards, or car payment, but at least, settle the pepper soup woman at our joint. She needs that money to continue to serve our community while you are cooling off in prison.
Just before you kill your wife, remember that it will become official that O. J. Simpson is a descendant of the Igbo if another Igbo man kills his wife in America.
Just before you kill your wife, go to a Jamaica Ave store and pay for a 30-year supply of Vaseline. Don’t forget shipping and handling cost. You will need that in prison when men come for your ass.
Just before you kill your wife, picture your children coming to the gate of that state penitentiary to pick you up after you have served 30 years. Imagine how you will feel when they open the door of that Limo and let you in. And I hope you will smile wildly when they say to you, “Dad, thank you for killing Mom.”
Just before you kill your wife, remember your father had many good reasons to kill your mother. But he didn’t.
Hopefully, you are thankful for that.