(To the accompaniment of Fela’s Confusion Break Bones)
(To the accompaniment of Fela’s Confusion Break Bones)
“Secretary, as-salam alaikum”
“Sala to mo le ku ni yio pari e sir”
“What did you say, you this Yoruba woman?”
“Ah, Mallam, I was just saying welcome to work this morning sir”
“Hmm, ok, if you say so. You’re always up to some mischief whenever you mutter like that”
“Haba, Mallam, I was just welcoming you to work. It’s a nice Monday morning sir”
“Ok, ok. Let me hop to my office. I don’t want to be disturbed today. I’m looking ahead to a busy week.”
“Ok sir. I’ll bring some tea up for you”
(A few minutes later)
“Secretary! Secretary!! Secretary!!!”
“S-i-r!”
“Must I scream on top of my voice before people answer me in this office?”
“Sir, I was attending to a memo when you called but I…”
“Shut up my friend. Look, I want you to summon all my aides and personal assistants here at once”
“Yes sir… everybody is here now sir.”
“Ehen, which one of you prepared my work schedule for this week? I say who prepared my work schedule for the week?”
“Sir, we don’t know what the problem is. We followed the usual procedure to prepare your weekly work schedule. At the close of day on Friday, we held a strategy meeting of your aides to determine which files and memos to prioritize on your work schedule for the coming week. We also went through the list of meetings and appointments. It was ratified by the Chief of Staff before your private secretary left the weekly work schedule on your desk sir.”
“In that case, how come I came to the office this morning and all I am seeing on my desk is documentation on Mudaraba and Islamic finance in the Arab world that I am supposed to work on for the entire week? Am I the Mudarib-General of the Federation or what?”
“How do you mean, sir?”
“What do you mean how do I mean? You load my desk with documentation on Islamic banking and the financial systems of the Muslim world and you are asking me how do I mean?”
“We were only going by your body language sir. We meant well sir. We thought you wanted Mudaraba to be the new focus, the new priority of the Central Bank of Nigeria sir. May we remind you, Mallam, that the establishment of Islamic banking is pretty much all we have spent the past several months working on?”
“Oho, so that means that you people should forget my other functions? Did I not ask you people to book a telephone appointment with Christine Lagarde and put it on my schedule this week? Did I not ask you to book another appointment with Robert Zoellick? And what about my proposed meeting at the African Development Bank?”
“Mallam Sanusi, sir, we relegated those to the background because…”
“And my meeting with Madam Farida Waziri to check in with her on the situation with the rogue bankers, that too has disappeared from my schedule. Instead, you people are scheduling telephone meetings with the Finance ministers of Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Yemen, Indonesia, Iran, and Pakistan.”
“We apologize sir. We must have read your signals incorrectly sir. We actually believed that we were being proactive sir. If it is your wish sir, we could return your work schedule to the constitutional role of a Central B…”
“Are you trying to say that I strayed from my duties as Central Bank Governor? Is that what you are saying?”
“Ah, sorry sir, that is not what we are saying. It came out wrongly. We apologize sir. We are sorry. We were only trying to apologize that we overloaded your table with your Islamic banking agenda and forgot your other duties as Central Bank Governor.”
“There you go again! I think you people are just dumb. Who told you that I cease being Central Bank Governor whenever I am working on my Islamic Banking agenda? I am just saying that I do not like it when that is all you put into my weekly schedule. It is as if you people are taking style to suggest that I should make up my mind whether I am CBN Governor or Mudarib-General of the Federation. I am smart enough to catch your insinuations and I don’t like it one bit. I don’t take nonsense from my subordinates.”
“Again, we apologize sir”
“No problem. No problem. Anyway, what’s my schedule for next week? I want to see it now. One can’t be too sure with you people.”
“We booked an appointment with Baba and he has agreed to meet with you on Monday. From there, you will proceed to Ekiti state to…”
“An appointment with Baba? Which Baba?”
“Mallam, sir, there are no two Babas in this country now.”
“Oh, that Baba. However, why would you people book an appointment with him? Did I tell you that I wanted to meet with him? And that means I will have to travel to Ota alone for the meeting.”
“Er… Mallam, we actually planned for three of us to accompany you sir. The CBN Governor cannot travel without aides and assistants.”
“Then you should have thought of that when you scheduled a meeting with Baba in Ota. You are all women, married women for that matter. And you expect me to take three of you to Baba’s lair in Ota? I cannot do that to your husbands. I will go alone. But, you still haven’t told me what business we have with Baba”
“Mallam sir, Baba is one of the best poultry farmers in the country and we thought you might need to meet with him and draw on his expertise for our new venture.”
“I see. And why do you suggest that I go to Ekiti state after meeting with Baba in Ota?”
“Sir, their former Governor, Ayo Fayose, said that he spent four years of the state’s federal allocations on a single poultry project. Baba even went there to commission the project before things fell apart and the two men began to call each other bastard and father of bastards. Since Governor Kayode Fayemi has not said anything about the billions of dollars worth of poultry equipment rotting in Ekiti, we thought you might be able to negotiate with him and buy off the project. That way, we’ll start the CBN poultry project in Ekiti with Baba’s expertise in neighbouring Ota.”
“I see”
“Mallam sir, we have also prepared a memo on staff and structural reorganization for your perusal. Because of the ambitious nature of your poultry project, we believe that we may need a Department of Agriculture within the Central Bank. We could convert the existing Banking Supervision Department to the inaugural Agriculture Department sir. We are glad that you approve of this sir.”
“Approve my foot! Did you say approve? You people would not recognize sarcasm if it hugged you first thing in the morning. Are you messing with me or what? Are you now trying to say that I am mistaking myself for the Minister of Agriculture?”
“We don’t know what we have done wrong here sir. We read in the papers that you wanted the Central Bank to start the biggest poultry farm in Nigeria and we decided to make you happy by acting even before you inform us in the office…”
“And the best way to act is to fill up a whole week’s schedule with agricultural and poultry matters including trips to Ota and Ekiti?”
“Sir, we were merely…”
“So, let me see. You fill up my schedule with one week of Mudaraba and another week of layers and broilers and we have spent almost the entire day today debating Islamic banking and poultry just because…”
“Sir we were merely…”
“Just because you snotty people think you are wise and smart and can teach me how to do my job? You think you can use style to tell me that I am straying from my constitutional duties as CBN Governor? Even the fedora man cannot dare what you people are doing here.”
“Excuse us sir…”
“Hey, I’m not finished yet! Why are you all heading for the door?”
“We have to go and clean up your schedule for the week after Ota and Ekiti sir. Since you don’t like that we have Islamic banking this week and poultry next week, we are beginning to think that you may not like what we have lined up for the week after that sir?”
“And what might that be?”
“Er… we filled up that slot with public lectures on Yoruba and Igbo elites and how they betrayed Nigeria. You will deliver the lectures at Usmanu Danfodiyo University and Bayero University. We accepted invitations from the Vice Chancellors on your behalf and we feel that…”
“You know what, you people should get the heck out of my office!”