Majority of Nigerians, including Northern Nigerians, agree that the killings being orchestrated across Nigeria by the Islamic group, Jama'atu Ahlis Sunna Lidda'awati wal-Jihad, otherwise known as Boko Haram, are wrong. In English, their name means "People Committed to the Propagation of the Prophet's Teachings and Jihad". If you do a literal translation it means, "Association of Sunnis for the Propagation of Islam and for Holy War".
Majority of Nigerians, including Northern Nigerians, agree that the killings being orchestrated across Nigeria by the Islamic group, Jama'atu Ahlis Sunna Lidda'awati wal-Jihad, otherwise known as Boko Haram, are wrong. In English, their name means "People Committed to the Propagation of the Prophet's Teachings and Jihad". If you do a literal translation it means, "Association of Sunnis for the Propagation of Islam and for Holy War".
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The problem is that, even for the Joint Task Force (JTF) charged with stamping out Boko Haram, knowing who is a member of Boko Haram is a difficult task. We know that the members of Boko Haram believe what the Quran says when it states, "Anyone who is not governed by what Allah has revealed is among the transgressors". In 2009, their last known leader, Ustaz Mohammed Yusuf told the BBC that they do not believe that the world is a sphere because the idea is contrary to Islam. Yusuf also rejected Darwinism and the “silly” theory that rain comes from water evaporated by the sun.
But what else do they believe? As a public service, I hereby present tell-tale signs that one is a Boko Haram member. I hope it will help the Joint Task Force to target the right culprits and stop harassing innocent citizens.
1.)You must be Boko Haram if you hate Western education so much that you will blow up a teaching hospital that will not treat an injured member of your sect.
2.) You must be Boko Haram if you peel your orange with the same knife you used to stab a gambler for looking at your 13-year old wife.
3.) You must be Boko Haram if you fear that you will die because you forgot to put “Peace be unto him” after mentioning Usman dan Fodio’s name.
4.) You must be Boko Haram if your peaceful religion demands that you shoot to death another man who has decided to worship a bottle of Gulder.
5.) You must be Boko Haram if your lifetime goal is to marry the four most beautiful women you can get and have them covered up in the thickest of all veils.
6.)You must be Boko Haram if you think ‘Arise O’ Compatriot’ is a Christmas song used to indoctrinate little children into becoming born-again Christians.
7.) You must be Boko Haram if you believe that all chemistry labs in your high schools should be converted into kunu brewing centers.
8.) You must be Boko Haram if you think there is more knowledge on a page of the Quran than is contained in a complete set of Encyclopedia Americana.
9.) You must be Boko Haram if you love K.D. Lang’s ‘Hallelujah’ but hates it when Hallelujah comes out of a loud speaker of a church near you.
10.) You must be Boko Haram if you think that google is the poop of People of the Book.
11.) You must be Boko Haram if you are so angry with Lord Lugard that in your dream you curse that bridge that connects the South with the North.
12.) You must be Boko Haram if you consider the Pacesetters series subversive literature.
13.) You must be Boko Haram if while you are watching Southern mechanics and bicycle repairers fleeing your neighborhood, your donkey is telling you “Never mind them, I served your forefathers well and I can serve you too.”
14.) You must be Boko Haram if you think that Goodluck Jonathan is the new president of the Royal Niger Company.
15.) You must be Boko Haram if you consider reciting “The Pledge of Allegiance” a treasonable offense.
16.) You must be Boko Haram if you think that Miss World pageant is a parade of amateur prostitutes.
17.) You must be Boko Haram if you consider the slogan, “Guinness is good for you,” a blasphemy.
18.) You must be Boko Haram if you know how to shoot an AK 47 before you know how to shoot an email.
19.) You must be Boko Haram if the bumper sticker on your bicycle says, “This bicycle has climbed mount Mecca.”
20.) You must be Boko Haram if you teach your son that the computer monitor is the eyeball of some Unidentified Flying Objects.
21.) And finally, you must be Boko Haram if you believe that rainfall is nothing but the pee pee of the gods.
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