You must have heard his joke before: a husband and wife were having dinner at an expensive restaurant in Victoria Island when a stunning young woman comes over to their table. Without blinking an eye, the woman gives the husband a kiss on the lips and says, “See you later.”
You must have heard his joke before: a husband and wife were having dinner at an expensive restaurant in Victoria Island when a stunning young woman comes over to their table. Without blinking an eye, the woman gives the husband a kiss on the lips and says, “See you later.”
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The wife stares at her blushing husband and at the woman walking away. Then she asks, "What was that? Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband with a glitter in his eyes, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's it," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
“Alright then," replies her husband. "But remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in the Swiss Alps, no more summers in New York City, no more Bentley and Rolls Royce in the garage and no more private jet for quick getaways. But the decision is yours."
They stay quiet for a while. Later, a neighbor of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous girl in his arm.
"Who's that woman with Sanusi?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
The woman pauses for a moment and then says, "Ours is prettier.”
>>>>
African man’s greatest nightmare has arrived. Thanks to the renegade journalists at Premium Times online newspaper and their sibling at Saharareporters.com.
Fifty years from now, I hope the men who will occupy the territory currently known as Nigeria will remember this moment. It started when Premium Times published an exposé on the alleged romantic affair between the Central Bank Governor Sanusi Lamido Sanusi and one Mrs. Maryam Yaro.
Like most men, my first reaction was, “Sanusi has a girlfriend… so?” In the words of the online newspaper, “Sanusi badly needed a kiss.” So what’s wrong with needing a kiss? French study says kissing is good for you, isn’t it? The study didn't see any difference in whether the person kissing is a married man or whether the person being kissed is a married woman. A kiss is just a kiss.
If the news was that Sanusi had a boyfriend, then, then, then, I’ll understand. Girlfriend, yes. Boyfriend, news!
I loved the way men came out in droves to defend our man, Sanusi. Like editors of peer review journals, these men questioned everything about the story. It must be desperate opposition party members trying to ruin the career of a high flying banker. How did the newspaper know the contents of the texts messages between Sanusi and his mistress? (That was before we knew that the US National Security Agency collects all those information) Even if the woman’s phone was lost and found by these busybodies called journalists, how could we be sure that the contents of the texts as published were not altered? Interesting questions, if you ask me. That we trust the newspapers when they say that Ibrahim Babangida was corrupt does not mean that we should trust them when they say that Sanusi had a girlfriend. After all, Sanusi is a future emir of Kano and if he wants, a future president of Nigeria.
Oh, the one that eats the cake. “Mrs. Yaro was waiting in a seductive dress in Room 23.” She better come with a seductive dress. I say so because my mistress is prettier than Sanusi’s.
My men were good. Their investigative prowess was in full display. They asked critical questions like: what’s the business of the media in the private affairs of Mr. Sanusi? I know. Even if he used his office to influence his mistress’ employment, what’s so wrong with that? What’s wrong with having power and exercising it, even if it’s to hire your mistress? Ok, he used Central Banks money to charter plane to fly from Abuja to Lagos to meet with her, how does that translate into wasting taxpayers’ money? By the way, who’s this taxpayer we keep hearing about?
It went on and on. Men must be men. His energy was not affected. How do we know? His bow tie still stands horizontally. A man can marry two, three, four wives plus his late brother’s widow. But also a little on the side is equally important. No be so? Who hasn’t done it? He who has no sin let him throw the first stone.
So, you see, I’m happy that my men caught this one before it went out of hand. Some mentally challenged people say it is not fair for the boss to have a romantic relationship with a junior staff. They say that it will create an uncomfortable work atmosphere for other staff. First of all, who do they want the boss to have relationship with? Some old management staff like him? Secondly, if other junior staff are jealous, they should compete for the boss’ attention. Competition is always good in a workplace. I say, they should join the line. When one boss-subordinate relationship turns sour, they get their chance to climb up. If they don’t have what it takes, it’s their fault.
What is this sexual harassment some of these disgruntled people are talking about? What’s better than being the chosen one? You get to travel with the boss and see the world and shop at the best stores the world has to offer? You get a nice apartment fully paid for? What other kind of job gives those kinds of perks?
All these talks that Sanusi brought the office of the Central Bank of Nigeria to disrepute, is that even possible in Nigeria? Have you looked at those who sat there before him? What are company policies and ethical principles if not the ones the boss says it is?
And which one is “unwelcomed sexual advances”? It is a blessing when a boss asks. It’s a ticket to the next level. It says it clearly in Nigeria's banking manual that you have to sleep with the boss to get ahead. Or how do you hope to become a big chick? Favors are reciprocated with more favors, raises and promotions. Men make sure that it happens. So what’s the problem? To be touched by the boss as he walks by is to be anointed as the “paramour preference.” Many are struggling to be noticed. They wear high heels, Brazilian hair, wonder bra, so why grumble when it comes to you on a platter of gold?
Again, what is unlawful about sexy comments? This world has turned really upside down. I’m happy that Nigerian men are uniting to stop this nonsense right on its tracks.
If I hear any more talk about hostile work environment, I will slam my head on a wall. What’s hostile about taking the lucky ones to international conferences? What’s hostile about buying her a brand new Range Rover? What is wrong with that? I really do not get it. What could go wrong when you promote and offer fringe benefits to those who do the things the boss likes? Which girl is not happy to have her day made by the boss man?
All these foreign ideas like code conducts and values and standards must be resisted by all means. That Richard M. Schulze, the founder of Best Buy, resigned last year when his company’s internal audit discovered that he did nothing when a former Chief Executive, Brian J. Dunn, was having an affair with a young subordinate means nothing. That Christopher Kabasik, president and chief operating officer at Lockhead Martin Corp resigned over a relationship with a subordinate a few months before he was scheduled to be the CEO should not matter to us in Africa. The same with Mark Hard, CEO of Hewlett-Packard in 2010 and CEO of Boeing, Harry C. Stonecipher in March of 2005. These are sissies.
That’s how it starts. If you allow them to stop a man from having a mistress, what will be next? They’ll stop him from putting snuff (ground tobacco) into his nostril. Soon they will expect a man to polish his own shoes in the morning. Wash his cars on weekends. Or even make his own breakfast. Before you say Charlie Boy, they will ask the man of the house to take out trash and change the baby’s stinking diaper. There is nothing they won’t do after that. Before you know it, with a phone call to the direct line of the Inspector General of Police, women from Okitipukpa to Akwanga will start kicking their husbands out of the house. Abomination!
We must stop all these before they start. When a snake fails to act like a snake children will use it to tie firewood. The real plan of these people is to give the man the feeding bottle. Imagine! I don’t want to see a man pounding yam in the kitchen. That will not be a man anymore. That will be a woman’s wrapper. Nonsense! If you let them, they will send a man on an errand.
We are African men for crying out loud! Our privileges are our heritage. With the last drop of blood in us, we must protect and preserve them to eternity. We have no moral lapses. Our judgment is always superb- never poor and never interferes with our ability to lead. In our world, smart people never do dumb things. Our culture permits us to live a communal life where those who have share with those who do not have. It is the way it was. It’s the way it is. It is the way it’s always going to be.
The truth of the matter is that I do not pity the African man. The solution to the African man’s challenges is simple. For the African man to remain the same, he needs to change. That’s why his fervent desire to fight inevitable changes leaves me with no sense of pity.
I, however, pity Sanusi- for my mistress is prettier than his.
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