“I told you things would heat up. ”


“Our side is winning.”


“We’re separating the motor park touts from statesmen.”


“You know, I was a little worried at the beginning about our man. I wondered whether he had fire in his belly. But he got it. He caught fire just on time. I would even say, at the right time.” 


“Why are you saying yeah to everything?”

“You don’t like yeah?”

“I mean, we’re kicking their behinds. You should be excited. Apart from social media world, the real world is breaking for us. When this is all done and it’s revealed how we did it, we’re going to be called wonder kids- like the Carl Roves of Abuja.” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

“Ok. What’s going on?”


“What do you mean everything?”

“This silly thing we’re doing and calling it campaign.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Was this what we spent sleepless nights drawing up?”

“No, but…”

“But what?”

“But it’s working.”

“And that should make me happy?”

“At least we get to spend another four years here.”


“What is really your problem?”

“Our man said the other guy does not know his own phone number.”

“Well, does he?”

“And we said he is not computer literate.”

“Is he?”

“And we are screaming, ‘show me your certificate.’”

“Can he?”

“What about this: I pray that we’ll soon have no prisons in Nigeria.”

“That’s just an aspiration. Nothing wrong with that.”

“If they had solved corruption problem when they were in power, would there be corruption for me to solve?”

“Em m, that was an exaggeration.”

“Putting people in jail does not solve corruption.”

“Maybe an oversimplification there, but the ideal is right.”

“They built prison for you, I’ll build schools for you.”

“That’s just a sound bite.”

“Your elders are hypocrites.”

“I happen to like that one. Sometimes certain things demand that certain things must be said.”

“What’s coming next? I won’t lock up your wives in the kitchen?”

“He has already said that one.”

“What about my shoe is bigger than his, ha ha ha ha, you know what that means.”

“Ok. Enough of this.”

“Oh, no. What about this? As you saw in Kano, I dance better than him.”

“What’s paining you?”

“Look at me. Take a good look at me.”

“You look like a plump toad ready to be feasted on.”

“Seriously, take a good look at me.”

“I’m looking but I don’t see anything different.”

“Do I look dumb to you?”


“Do I look like I lacked basic critical thinking skills?”


“So why am I associating myself with this pedestrian campaign?”

“I think you are taking things too seriously.”

“Is this the picture of me that you imagined three years ago when we got here?”

“Well, to tell you the truth, you’re well off now.’

“Well off, what about my soul?”

“Soul? What does the soul have to do with it?”

“This is not what I thought I would be doing at this time with my life. I wanted a campaign of substance.”

“I wanted one too.”

“Whatever happened to having debates and articulating our positions? Whatever happened to setting a standard for democracy that will last long after we are gone?”

“But every campaign rises to the level of the voters. We have to take it to the level of the Nigerian voter, even if it means dumbing it down.”

“I don’t know if I want to do this any longer.”

“You know what? I think you’re stressed.”

“I’m not stressed.”

“You need a vacation.”

“I don’t need one.”

“Then, stop acting up.”

“You know what?”


“I’ve found it.”

“Found what?”

“The title.”

“The title of what?”

“My memoir.”

“What memoir?”

“My memoir.”

“You didn’t tell me you were writing a memoir.”

“Oh. Yeah. I’m writing my Aso Rock memoir.”

“So what’s the title?”

“In the Service of the Clueless One.”

“Does it have any subtitle?”


“What is it?”

“From Rutam House to Aso Rock.”


“What’s oh?”


“That is all you have to say?”

“What else do you want me to say?”

“You’re not impressed with the title: In the Service of the Clueless One.”

 “Ok. How about this reaction: Chai! Chai!! Chai!!!”

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