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Africa: The Grateful Continent By Pius Adesanmi

September 20, 2015

(First published on my Facebook Wall on September 15, 2014. At the time, Monsieur Blaise Compaore was trying to amend Burkina Faso’s constitution and extend his stay in power. A little over a year later, you tell me what has changed in the continent.)

Ko ma s'eni t'Olorun o se fun o. Listening to news about Burkina Faso on TV5 just now, I realize that there is nobody in Africa who doesn't have a reason to thank God that his situation is less bad than his neighbour's. Our friend in Ouagadougou, Blaise Compaore, is trying to amend the constitution in order to run for another term of office in 2015. He has been ruling Burkina Faso since he killed one of our prophets, Thomas Sankara, on behalf of France in 1987.

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But the Burkinabe can say: “I may have been living in a banana republic life presidency since 1987, I thank God that my life in a dictatorship is one year younger than the life of the Ugandan who has been in Yoweri Museveni's life presidency since 1986.”

The Ugandan says: “True. But I thank God that my experience of dictatorship is four years younger than that of the Cameroonian who has been a hostage of Paul Biya's banana republic since 1982.”

The Cameroonian says: “True. The Bible says in Thessalonians to give thanks in all circumstances. So, like that Pharisee who openly thanked the Lord for being better than the poor man, I give thanks that I am slightly better than the Zimbabwean who has been under a one-man show since 1980.”

The Zimbabweans says: “True. But I thank God because I am more likely to pass an exam asking me to list all the post-independence leaders of my country than a Nigerian who must run through a long and confusing list of Presidents and military Heads of State - ceremonial president, acting and voluntary transfer of power president, interim president, doctrine of necessity president, failed third term president, etc.”

The Nigerian says: “True I have bequeathed to the continent a long and colourful list of presidential classifications, sub-classifications, and nomenclatures, I thank God that I am slightly better than the Togolese and the Gabonese who are dealing with baby life presidencies after the adult life presidencies of some daddies expired.”

The Togolese and the Gabonese say: “True. But we thank God that our baby life Presidents are not half illiterate, xenophobic polygamists.”

The South African says: “True. But I thank God that my own half illiterate xenophobic polygamist does not claim to cure HIV/AIDS with a concoction of seven herbs and seven spices. He only recommends a vigorous shower after banging without condoms.”

The Gambian says: “True I am ruled by a man who says his seven spices and seven herbs are the nemeses of HIV/AIDS, I thank God that my President is not a customer of the International Criminal Court.”

The Kenyan and the Sudanese say: “True. But we thank God that our Presidents know how to resist the imperialism, racism, neocolonialism and other isms that the West calls the ICC unlike some places that are still controlled openly from...”

Francophone Africa says: “What the heck? Are you trying to say that our umbilical cord is still attached to France, the land of our ancestors the Gauls? You bumbling Anglophones! The things you have done to this continent!”

Anglophone Africa says: “But we did not say that anybody was colonized to the bone marrow. What's biting you?”

Commotion in the house. Anglophone Africa throws punches. Francophone Africa throws counter-punches. The African Union has no resources to settle the ensuing dispute. The international community moves in, settles the fight in Washington. African representatives clink glasses to speeches of Africa Rising delivered by IMF and World Bank officials.

Curtain.

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