And it came to pass that of all the ways that we can start a new year, I say, let us start with one more lynching. Why not? What’s wrong in adding another feather to our hat? Our righteousness goes before us.
Arise, let us add him. After all, there are many on the list already - the pickpocket who stole a poor man’s wallet in Oshodi - the mother of four who stole crayfish in Aba Ngwa market – the laid-off bus conductor who stole chicken from the animal market a day before Christmas – the overzealous man who stepped on your holy book in Kano – the witch from Sapele who lost her GPS and fell on a tree. The list goes on and on. But they are all the same – merchants of abomination – wicked people of shame.
Can I get an Amen?
Brethren, let us have no mercy on them. They have sinned against Amadioha, Eledumare and Iskoki, all at once. I say unto you, let us climb the mountains and build a Hall of Shame and have their names etched on a marble for eternity. Let it be there from generation to generation. Let no one else bear their names until the end of everlasting. Behold, let our rebuke of them be final for they are the reason our divine blessings have eluded us. Their illicit behaviors are the reason the Naira is losing its value day by day and the price of unleavened bread is going up and up. Hear me, o children, let us separate ourselves from those unclean people stuffed with iniquities.
Can I get an Amen?
Louder!
But wait, we don’t know their names, do we? Oh, well. Let us build the Hall of Shame, anyway.
Brethren, these transgressors are the reason for our misery. If we lynch enough of them, the smell of their burning skins will deodorize our tents. I tell you, the popping out of their greedy eyes, will spread the divine mist that we need to sanitize our darkened hearts. I say unto you, the screams of the evildoers are songs to the ears of our holy fathers. Your lips will remember how to say good things about one another once their teeth come out after fire has consumed their lips.
I say, gather more tires you all. Gather the used and worn-out tires that already caused the death of many in car accidents. Gather them and let us put them to good use. One more killing won’t be bad for those discarded tires from around the world. Quell your encumbrance with these tires dumped in our vineyard by our distinguished international businessmen. Fear not. Gather them, gather them.
Can I get an Amen?
I say unto you, strip them naked before you hang the tires on their long throat bearing neck. Throw enough stones on their bottoms and their breasts for it is written that the dignity of man is an abomination in the sight of an irate mob. Be sure that a multitude of Samsung cameras capture the sound of that moment when the bones of their legs crack. Tell those with koboko to draw maps of our purity with each stroke on their backs and their bellies. Brethren, make sure you tear their bodies up for verily, verily I say unto you, the body is the parachute of the conscience. Cheer as their blood splatter on the canvas of our souls. When you pour the petrol on their heads and legs, let it mix with their tears. It is the only path to our penitence. To avoid the wrath of history, make sure the iphone cameras are rolling before you strike the matches.
Wise brethren, don’t let anyone talk you out of doing your duty. He spake unto us saying, you are a loyal citizen. Your number one job is to be vigilant of anything pertaining to the unclean. Fear not, therefore, for you have to hold them accountable - those who steal your crayfish, your torn up wallets full of kobo, kobo, your featherless chicken, your midnight peace and your God by belittling his holy book. Cast your stone for they crush your treasures and embarrass you in the face of the world. Harken for they make your perfect society less than perfect.
Can I get an Amen?
Surely, if you don’t do it, nobody will. The police? Not the police. They are afflicted. They are busy collecting taxes at roadblocks for the Pharisees and Sadducees. It is an assignment for only the upright. The money they collect is used to promptly and consistently maintain your roads, schools and bridges and supply herbs to your hospitals.
Lo and behold, our soldiers are busy closing the ozone layer. They are at our borders holding off the bad Samaritans coming to siphon our cheap petrol to our greedy neighbors. Though in their spare times, our soldiers do ranching on the side and repaint their barracks each Sabbath Day. They also spend their time breastfeeding protesters that want witches to be free to roam around the city of Lugard.
Can I get an Amen?
Remember your holy chronicle. Tafawa the son of Balewa begat Aguiyi. Aguiyi the son of Ironsi begat Yakubu. Yakubu the son of Gowon begat Murtala. Murtala the son of Muhammed begat Olusegun. Olusegun the son of Obasanjo begat Shehu. Shehu the son of Shagari begat Muhammadu. Muhammadu the son of Buhari begat Ibrahim. Ibrahim the son of Babangida begat Ernest. Ernest the son of Shonekan begat Sani. Sani the son of Abacha begat Abdulsalami. Abdulsalami the son of Abubakar begat Olusegun. Olusegun the son of Obasanjo begat Umaru. Umaru the son of Yar’Adua begat Goodluck. And Goodluck the son of Jonathan begat Muhammadu the son of Buhari.
Remember to worship Muhammadu Buhari, the son of Daura, the occupant of the throne on the Rock, the messiah in blood and flesh. Do not touch our anointed. I say unto you, do not harken the disgruntled individuals giving a bad eye to that Mazi whom you sent to Abuja in the last election. That he built a mansion faster than the time it took his stomach to protrude does not mean he is not burning both ends of the candle for your betterment. I say unto you, don’t mind those frustrated individuals thumbing their noses at that Alhaji whom you sent to your state capital during the last election. That he splashes floodwater on you while riding in his new big car only means he is rushing somewhere in his desperate search for a solution to the recession. I say unto you, don’t mind those who gossip that since Kakanfo was made a minister, he has married more wives and kept more concubines and has forgotten the agenda you gave onto him. Remember that he has to dine with the devils and visit the gate of their hell to be able to understand their weak points. Then he’ll strike.
O Children, do not listen to those who call what you do to keep our society immaculate mob action. They lament that you are the EFCC of the poor. Behold, you are the real EFCC with balls. It is written, thou shall reverse the blasphemies of yesterdays. Your holy countenance is as it was in the beginning. When they ask you, remember that your fathers give you sermons but I give you commandments. To avoid my wrath, obey my reformed catechism, especially the one that says: you are dying to kill them for it is only when they die that you can find your way out of the wilderness.
Can I get an Amen?
May thy peace which passeth all understanding be unto you.
