Democtionary: Defining Our Democratic Lexicon

 

Since the return of civilian rule in 1999, Nigerians have been treated with several words, phrases and sentences by all organs of our government. A humorous, but realistic, definition of the common terms in our everyday’s polity is presented here to keep soul and body together in a society where our politicians have totally kept the body and soul disintegrated. 

 

Budget: Money already spent by the government.

 

Cabal: The untouchable men and women around the president.

 

Committee/Panel: A body constituted by government to produce paper for its archives.

 

Consensus Candidate:  Somebody impose on a party as a candidate.

 

Constituency Allowance:  Money paid to legislators for doing nothing.

 

Contractor:  A front used by government to loot state treasury.

 

Corruption: The primary and most important function of those who govern us.

 

Democracy Dividends: A self-praise word used by Nigerian politicians to euphemistically insult the masses.

 

Democratic Experiment:  Used by Nigerian politicians to cover up their incompetence and corruption.

 

Deputy Governor/Vice president: A person appointed to take orders from a first lady.

 

Election: A ceremonious exercise to confirm an already selected candidate.

 

Election tribunals: A means by  judges and lawyers to have their own constituency allowance.

 

Electoral Promises: A list of things a politician will never do.

 

Ex-: A prefix which shows that someone once looted the treasury.

 

Excess Crude Account:  Oil money being saved for the president, the 36 state governors and the 774    local government chairmen.

 

Executives: Those thieves who are supposed to be executed but are managing our affairs. They are better known as “Executhieves.”

 

First Children: The prodigal and usually immoral children of a governor or the president.

 

First Lady: The actual deputy to a president or a governor.

 

Governor Forum: A powerful cult of 36 state oppressors where self-interest is discussed more than governance.

 

Governor: The chief oppressor of a state.

 

Judiciary: The arm of the government which the other arms rely on to empty our treasury, because its members get their shares too. It is better known as Judi-sharing

 

Legislator: A group of people who back the looting of the nation by law in the name of democracy. They are better known as legislooters.

 

Look into: When government uses this phrasal verb, it is actually saying it is doing nothing about the situation.

 

Marginalization: A word used by individual or group to indicate that they have not had a share of the national cake.

 

Militants: A criminal organization resulting from long years of government neglect of a vital section of the society-the youth.

 

National Cake: The commonwealth of the people controlled by a few charlatans.

 

Nascent democracy: A term used by our politicians to mean: “ leave us alone to continue our looting.”

 

Offshore-Onshore Dichotomy: A phrase many Nigerians do not know the meaning, just as the 36 governors who used it to fight over resource allocation.

 

On top of the Situation: When this phrase is used by the Nigeria security outfit or government official, it actually means the maximum damage has been done.

 

Opposition Party: A party which aids the ruling PDP for election victory.

 

Party Executives:  Errand boys of the president or state governors.

 

PDP: Corruption in all forms. It is the biggest factory of the industry known as politics.

 

Politician: A person you should never trust. Not everyone who stands for elections is a politician by the way.

 

Politics: The only paying industry in Nigeria.

 

Poverty Alleviation Programme: A scheme to generate funds for government thugs.

 

Powerful Female Minister/Commissioner: This term suggests another relationship between the female minister/commissioner and the president/governor or the person who recommends her for appointment.

 

Power Generation Project: A scheme used by the government to produce more darkness.

 

Presidential Spokeman: An ex-critic, usually a journalist, appointed by government to misinform the public.

 

Rigging: A word that describes Nigeria’s perfect election

 

Senators: A group of comedian and notorious old men.

 

Special Advisers or Assistant: A reward for a stupid and sycophantic loyalist to a governor or president.

 

State House Of Assemblies: A group of dunce who think they are appointee of a state governor.

 

Traditional Rulers: Someone who spend more time in government house than in the palace.

 

Youth Empowerment Program: A scheme use by government to recruit thugs.

 

A.S.M Jimoh

On twitter-@anehi2008