Monday, 20 May 2013
The Lonely Charlatans By Pius Adesanmi
Pius Adesanmi
Columnist:
Pius Adesanmi To the accompaniment of Akon’s “Lonely”
“Hello, hello, hello... ah, this call is not going through. Maybe the network is bad in Abeokuta... hello, hello, hello, ehen, it is ringing now.”
“Hello, who is speaking please?”
“Hello... line yen o clear dada... hello, is that my brother, His Excellency Ogidi Omo?”
“Yes, this is His Excellency OGD. Who is this please?”
“Ah, don’t you recognize my voice? This is me, My Excellency Oyato. I’m calling from Ibadan.”
“Ah!!! Your Excellency my brother! Oyato fun ra e! O ma t’ojo meta. So nice to hear from you. Did you say you were calling from Ibadan? I thought you were taking a few days off to rest in Ogbomoso?”
“Ah, rest ke? Ogbomoso ko, Alimosho ni. How can you even talk about rest with all the yanpon yanrin that is happening to us?”
“Your Excellency, take it easy. What seems to be the problem?”
“Ogidi omo my brother, are you an Oyo man? What is this amoran bini Oyo business? Why ask me questions when you and I are in the same boat and you know that we should be looking for ways to re-bury the corpse.”
“Brother Oyato, re-bury the corpse? Which corpse?”
“Yes, brother OGD, the corpse that our great party buried in the dead of night in the southwest now has its two legs exposed in broad daylight. We must cover the exposed legs with fresh sand quick quick before further damage is done.”
“Brother Oyato, you speak in riddles.”
“Brother OGD, all I’m saying is that water has filtered into the snail’s mouth from the rear and we must do something about it.”
“Brother Oyato, I say you speak in proverbs. E tu mi nle.”
“Hmm, brother OGD, I am not the one speaking in proverbs o. It is political death that is addressing both of us in proverbs. Political death snarls at us in riddles.”
“Political death? How so my brother?”
“Political death roamed the land and knocked on Professor Osunbor’s door in Benin. The man said, “Not I”, but death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut. Political death knocked on Segun Agagu’s door in Akure. The man said, “Not I”, but death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut. Political death knocked on Segun Oni’s door in Ado Ekiti. The man said, “Not I”, but death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut. Political death knocked on Olagunsoye Oyinlola’s door in Osogbo. The man said, “Not I”, but death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut. And when our elders in Abeokuta and Ogbomoso sat down and saw what we couldn’t see standing, they exclaimed: hun, hun, hun, when political death claims your neighbours and kinsmen, children, listen very carefully for you must know him when the husband of arun speaks to you in proverbs. OGD, iku to p’ojuba eni, owe l’on pa fun ni. I don’t like what is happening all around us at all. It’s getting quite lonely around here.”
“Ah, my broda Oyato, I didn’t realise you were talking about these tragic developments in the southwest. I’ve been thinking about it too. Oro na o tie ye mi rara”.
“Thinking? My brother OGD, did you say you have been thinking? Well, thinking is a luxury you can afford in Abeokuta because you have eaten for almost eight years now. Here in Ibadan, I am just about to eat for only four years and this Asiwaju man in Lagos is ruining everything for us.”
“Ah, my broda, who told you that I am satisfied with just eight years? Nkan eni ki di pupo ka binu. My brother, I have worked very hard to put a formidable structure in place so that one of my boys could take over for the next eight years and guarantee the eating. So, I am as worried as you are by these negative developments in Yoruba land.”
“Now you are talking. I wasn’t even thinking of ordinary eight years in my case. Chief Vincent Ogbulafor assured us of sixty years. I sort of hoped that my grandchildren would be eating long after my body would have embraced its wrapper of sand. The most painful part is the behaviour of Baba in Ota. Instead of taking steps to address this ugly situation in Yoruba land, the man is busy laughing at Atiku. Our house is crumbling here in the West and the man is laughing o. Only God knows what the airport beating he got recently did to him. Baba is fumbling big time o. Iyen na ni Fayose fi ri won fin.”
“My broda, Baba’s case is even better. What about the fedora man in Abuja? What has he done for us? I mean, your party is losing an entire region to a tribunal revolution and you are grinning in Abuja and attempting to buy non-buyable trouble makers with $50,000. I never knew that I would see the day when our great party would be led by an incompetent briber.”
“Don’t mind him. As if he doesn’t know how you have solved the problem of non-buyable trouble makers in Ogun in the last 8 years. Anyway, he is not an incompetent briber when he is directly affected o. He knows how to sell houses in Abuja to buy the leadership of the National Assembly or distribute any excess from the Federation account to buy our governors’ forum.”
“I am not even saying that armed robbers should attack and accidentally kill non-buyable trouble makers at the federal level. I am not sure he has what it takes to use the Dagger and Dart Direct method. But he could have done something about Ekiti and Osun all the same. He could have seconded Justice Ogebe temporarily to those tribunals on national assignment. That respected Supreme Court judge at least hears and speaks the language of our great party.”
“So, my broda, how do we find a joint solution to this problem? Here in Ibadan, I am rebuilding Tokyo’s and Baba Adedibu’s old structures to deal with that Asiwaju man. I am also considering banning those small boys, Mimiko, Fayemi, and Aregbesola, from ever passing through Ibadan. Awon alakori to fe gbaje l’enu wa.”
“Broda Oyato, I think we should find some work for the Asiwaju before we deal with his boys. Maybe we should try to revamp that little University of Chicago certificate matter? Chief Gani Fawehinmi was looking into it but the man rented an aso ebi mob to sing “yio sh’agolo d’Ondo” and harass the respected Chief in the streets of Lagos. Maybe we could encourage Farida Waziri to pick up from where Chief Fawehinmi stopped? The case was never tidily concluded. Luckily for us, Farida Waziri is very encourageable in these matters.”
“Wonderful! This is why I like you, broda OGD! Elo ni?”
“Elo ni what?”
“Elo ni Waziri?”
“Oh, Waziri o won pupo ju. She is very affordable. One customized Mercedes Benz jeep should do it. If she does a good job and gives Asiwaju the sort of wahala ton pa lekun, we could add jara to it for her. Maybe a plot of land here in Abeokuta or Ibadan. We could get Julius Berger to develop it for her.”
“Good idea. You get the jeep. I will find her a plot of land here in Ibadan. What about that Yoruba boy who works for her, the noisemaker, Babafemi abi ki lo l’oun nje na?”
“Femi Babafemi.”
“Eehn o, Femi Babafemi. Se boy yen m’owo we?”
“When you look at that boy’s mouth, you know that he must know how to wash his hands properly.”
“In that case, we can invite him to eat with elders. A le ba oun na d’ogbon si.
I’m sure he’s a good boy.”
“With Waziri and Babafemi unleashed, Asiwaju ru ‘gi oyin!”
“I feel better already! Who says egbinrin ote does not pay? Now, OGD, what about these foolish boys all around us? Already, Fayemi, Mimiko, and Aregbesola are holding meetings and talking about Awolowo’s programmes. If they go and level up their states with Lagos and Edo, they will embarrass the two of us o. Asiri wa a tu o.”
“Broda Oyato, you are right! I miss Uncle Tony Anenih, Uncle Bode George, and Uncle Ahmadu Ali. Mo j’eri won! If only this clueless fedora man would recycle and bring them back into the game, they would know how to recapture the southwest.”
“Maybe we should organize a little operation wetie here and there in Ondo, Ekiti, and Osun. If they are busy with riots and violence, they won’t have time for development. Let’s keep them busy with ai r’oju ai r’aye. What do you think?”
“Shhhhhhh, broda Oyato, stop talking like this on the phone!!! E fe ko ba wa ni? You will get us into trouble o. Those are strategies we should meet and discuss behind closed doors.”
“But we are safe now. Nobody can hear us”
“Brother Oyato, ever heard of Wikileaks?”
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Thanks for sharing this post.
Submitted by Maya (not verified) on September 10, 2012 - 08:42.
Thanks for sharing this post. Loved it.
I just wrote some love quotes for him on my blog and a new post about break up quotes and sad broken heart sayings please check them out.
@Pius writes: “Now you are
Submitted by thecross on December 22, 2010 - 01:17.
@Pius writes:
“Now you are talking. I wasn’t even thinking of ordinary eight years in my case. Chief Vincent Ogbulafor assured us of sixty years. I sort of hoped that my grandchildren would be eating long after my body would have embraced its wrapper of sand. The most painful part is the behaviour of Baba in Ota. Instead of taking steps to address this ugly situation in Yoruba land, the man is busy laughing at Atiku. Our house is crumbling here in the West and the man is laughing o. Only God knows what the airport beating he got recently did to him. Baba is fumbling big time o. Iyen na ni Fayose fi ri won fin.”
That is a good one, Prof!
UNLIKE DEAD POET AWO, OBJ GREAT ONE STILL DEY KAMPE
Submitted by KaparaK (not verified) on December 21, 2010 - 13:48.
As much as Folusho Allison would like to shout Awo in 2010, the desperate dude never became head of state, therefore, we can't compare a mere Regional Governor with the Great One - OBJ. Awo reminds me of desperate Atiku would like to be HOS but all his lalakokofe would be in vain.
On the contrary, OBJ was blessed to lead this nation twice, which he did creditably, and with unparalel achievements that are yet unsurpassed by those before him and those to yet to come thereafter. What is more, the man still dey kampe. So, eat your hearts out.
Foluso, b4 you speak any further, you might want to go change your slave name - Allison - before you can qualify to call yourself a Yoruba man or woman, whatever you are.
Re: OGD & Buroda Oyato
Submitted by Foluso A. Allison (not verified) on December 21, 2010 - 00:31.
Pius Aladesanmi, this is another great satire. Your style of writng is exemplary and phenomenal. Thank you.
All of OGD, Alao-Akala & OBJ are now being revisited for their atrocities in the Southwest. Ile ti a ba fi ile mo, iri ni yio wo!
Obasanjo's aspiration to lead the Yorubas is crumbling in his face, because, unlike Awolowo, he does not have the education nor the intelligence to lead the Yorubas.
He is egocentic, and instead of using his precious time to learn, he thinks he already knows. He believes that becoming a General in the Nigerian army surpasses all other form of learning. He is finding out now though.
Pius,why did you leave Aremu
Submitted by LISTEN TO ME (not verified) on December 20, 2010 - 19:06.
Pius,why did you leave Aremu Okikiolu out of the telephone discussion??Owuni ni baba isale won now.baba were elenu yee ye.okola ashewo odooko do iyawo
NIGERIAN MEDIA MOGULS SUCK
Submitted by KaparaK (not verified) on December 20, 2010 - 18:57.
Nigerian unprincipled Press is even worse than the corrupt leadership of a nation of dysfunctional people. All one needs do is to juxtapose articles written by jeun-jeun journalists like AbatiR, LeviO or SonalaO, against mathematician like Mr. Shilgba to get an idea of how fictional writers continue to mislead and miss-educate their readers cum idolaters in collusion with the corrupt leadership.
Whereas scientific minds like this eloquent author attempts to publish facts with precision in a calculated attempt to find workable solutions to national problem solving.
If those calling themselves professional journalists, of all people, think that they have the right to write and publish rumors, lies, innuendoes & uncorroborated crap that border on libel and slander, what should we expect from the readership?
While the Press waxed so lyrically, about Press Freedom in an atmosphere of government official censorship they conveniently forgot about the public freedom of speech in the almighty Press world. Little wonder docile Nigerians cower from their corrupt leaders lest they are thrown in the gulags as the Press makes them believe & to bow b4 the powers that be, which include the Press.
A shocking example of the Nigerian Press censorship of the Nigerian Public occurred on the Nigeria Village Square last week (December 14). A runty dude called the "Admin” assumed the role of the almighty god, went on a rampage barring & removing, willy-nilly, comments that he/she deign to be "personal attack” on some almighty Tin gods, who are nothing but loose-lips jeun-jeun Nigerian journalists on the payroll of some ruling gangsters, on the flimsy excuse of “civilogue” - a word that is yet to find its way to the world-wide-web of dictionaries but only in the imagination of corrupt Nigeria Journalists.
Perhaps it is too much to call on Nigerian pretend Dokitas LeviO, SonalaO, NdibeO, Pope Pius, and ReubenA, to please heal thyself first b4 they begging to preach their “double standards” to the rest of the global village.
Thank God Sahara Reporters are still responsible enough to fair publication of ALL public opinion regardless of whose Ox is been gored, including its owner – Sowore. To me, that is journalism 101, Press Freedom, or is it public freedom of speech. Take your pick.
NI
Submitted by KaparaK (not verified) on December 20, 2010 - 18:54.
Nigerian unprincipled Press is even worse than the corrupt leadership of a nation of dysfunctional people. All one needs do is to juxtapose articles written by jeun-jeun journalists like AbatiR, LeviO or SonalaO, against mathematician like Mr. Shilgba to get an idea of how fictional writers continue to mislead and miss-educate their readers idolaters in collusion with the corrupt Rankadede leadership.
Whereas scientific minds like this eloquent author attempts to publish facts with precision in a calculated attempt to find workable solutions to national problem solving.
If those calling themselves professional journalists, of all people, think that they have the right to write and publish rumors, lies, innuendoes & uncorroborated crap that border on libel and slander, what should we expect from the readership?
While the Press waxed so lyrically, about Press Freedom in an atmosphere of government official censorship they conveniently forgot about the public freedom of speech in the almighty Press world. Little wonder docile Nigerians cower from their corrupt leaders lest they are thrown in the gulags as the Press makes them believe & to bow b4 the powers that be, which include the Press.
A shocking example of the Nigerian Press censorship of the Nigerian Public occurred on the Nigeria Village Square last week (December 14). A runty dude called the "Admin” assumed the role of the almighty god, went on a rampage barring & removing, willy-nilly, comments that he/she deign to be "personal attack” on some almighty Tin gods, who are nothing but loose-lips jeun-jeun Nigerian journalists on the payroll of some ruling gangsters, on the flimsy excuse of “civilogue” - a word that is yet to find its way to the world-wide-web of dictionaries but only in the imagination of corrupt Nigeria Journalists.
Perhaps it is too much to call on Nigerian pretend Dokitas LeviO, SonalaO, NdibeO, Pope Pius, and ReubenA, to please heal thyself first b4 they begging to preach their “double standards” to the rest of the global village.
Thank God Sahara Reporters are still responsible enough to fair publication of ALL public opinion regardless of whose Ox is been gored, including its owner – Sowore. To me, that is journalism 101, Press Freedom, or is it public freedom of speech. Take your pick.
Ribadu had investigated
Submitted by Deri (not verified) on December 19, 2010 - 18:00.
Ribadu had investigated Tinubu’s tenure as Governor of Lagos State while he served as the Chairman of the EFCC and in February 2007, Ribadu said in an interview, “Do not worry; we are coming out with a bombshell on Tinubu. All the Accounts he operates internationally have been investigated. Tell him that he will soon hear from us.”
Revolution!
Submitted by Ondo (not verified) on December 19, 2010 - 00:13.
Bloody Revolution is the cure to resolve the problems of Nigeria.
Why are Nigerians so complacent about corruption, equality, justice, etc..? Why?
Akala, OGD et al should be 6feet under.
I beg ooooooooo broda Pius na
Submitted by Jameelah (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 22:10.
I beg ooooooooo broda Pius na you fit all of them, you have a very nice way of putting it across, kudos to you.
Is this article addressed to
Submitted by Baba Legba (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 19:35.
Is this article addressed to all Nigerians or just those who can understand the Yoruba proverbs/idioms?
I laugh! I laugh like Aremu
Submitted by enn (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 18:57.
I laugh! I laugh like Aremu Obasanjo! And I retaliate with Atiku laughter!
Thank God, Pius, you are not in town. OGD and Oyato would have smoked you out of whereever you are and shown you the stuff they learnt from the Brigade Commander, formerly of Ibadan, now of whereever! Oyato, ex-policeman and the godson of Lamidi. OGD, the magician, expert jazzman/shrineman and the beloved of the state legislators! These are dangerous guys!
u again payousi
Submitted by mightyomoguarantor (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 18:21.
Se ori iwo bobo Payiusi yi. You go kill person one day with this ur poisionus,comedic and malapropic use of Nigerian incorrigible political life to educated my people. Me sha o , i don report u to american gofernment say if i fall dead from too much laffs, na u oo. Left them too stupid monkeys alone oo, Broda mi Oyato, (aka bleaching Gorilla ) or Ogidi omo eran. OGD. They both have a confirmed reservation in hell fire.
Nice one !
Submitted by Kate Adenuga (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 16:29.
nice literary piece, satire . We need for more of this drug in this hypertension clinc . Simply the best by our folks online.
Sadly..My boyfriend left me a year ago. now. I may be in need of someone to love... I am mature and beautiful, My friends told me about the site http://bestkept-secrets.blogspot.com/p/best-kept-secrets-learn-from.html and i got curious about it. they met their boyfriends there., said It's the best place to meet a wealthy lover....So i got a username ---Clara --- there in order to find a new wealthy boyfriend. is it wrong? Nice place but viewers discretion is advised.
With heavy snow in England
Submitted by KS (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 15:37.
With heavy snow in England and a bottle of wine to while away my time, this is the best write-up I have read in a long time!! It is particularly interestesing and funny when you try to translate some of the rich proverbs into its original yoruba meanings, like:
"death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut" - iku o gb'owo, iku o gb'obi"
"my body would have embraced its wrapper of sand" ko f'ile se aso bora"
definitely the rich linguistic flavours employed in the write-up will be lost on non-yoruba race. It is not just a satire, but a satire rooted in innuendos and comic relief of great proportions. Please more of this. I am tired of reading too much stark realities about these miserable politicians. WE DEY REALLY LAUGH NOW!!!!!
re: we need prescription to tackle the future
Submitted by pj (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 13:53.
tee osh! abeg, no spoil our fun jare!we need the likes of Pius to bring some humor to this forum once in a while. We can't be too serious all the time. All work and no play makes Nigerians dull. We have so many write-ups that show the way forward, we often discuss how to contribute financially to development when we see a good cause. Don't spoil our fun jare. Go and read the Guardian editorial if you don't want Pius Adesanmi.
SR readers, pls read on and enjoy yourselves.
Your visa session ke?
Submitted by pj (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 13:44.
Your visa session ke? You want to leave Nigeria too? It's not fair o.
Where is AD
Submitted by Daramola (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 12:25.
Pray when will it happen in Kogi state. Is brother Iyato banned from the palace of the cleaners worshipping at the foot of Sarakis Fulani roots? We need something unique in the South West. Anytime I hear ACN being mentioned, it reminds me of Atiku and his squabbles with OBJ. Where is AD is the party dead? My fear is Atiku may come back to take control of his party from Tinubu.
Out Rageously Funny
Submitted by Agha Egwu (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 11:46.
Outrageously funny but deadly truthful satire.
Fingers from the same leprous hand!
Submitted by WatchDog1 (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 10:34.
Man, these people are the worst we have seen in this country. If not for their antecedents too nobody should be surprised in a violent coup - the Rawlings version.
That's the sad part, all of them are fingers from the same leprous hand!
We need to chop the hand off!
OGD vs OYATO
Submitted by Wale ijebu (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 10:21.
OGD & SOYOYO are birds of same feather, what else could one possibly want from them-FAILURE. These guys absurdity stink to high hell! where they both truly belong. Eni ti aiye bati baje a si ma wa eni kunra ni. Come 2011 Oyo & Ogun will laugh insha Allah.
OGD vs OYATO
Submitted by Wale ijebu (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 10:17.
OGD & SOYOYO are birds of same feather, what else could one possibly want from them-FAILURE. These guys absurdity stink to high hell! where they both truly belong. Eni ti aiye bati baje a si ma wa eni kunra ni. Come 2011 Oyo & Ogun will laugh insha Allah.
U are Correct Pius
Submitted by Babatunde Ayeni (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 10:05.
Few days ago OGD was praying for his party faithful that God should not turn them to Cleaners and Market Refuse Collectors like ACN. In unison they shouted Aaaaaamen !!! I laughed after reading the report, but quickly ruminated on how Nigerians have jettison the idea of dignity of labour and division of labour as was enumerated in one of IK Dairo's songs : Ise n'ise nje.
The idiotic audience OGD did not think that all of them can not be governors of Ogun state at the same time. Somebody must be cleaner, doctor, nurse, teacher, lawyer, armed robber, disabled, etc.
Nigerians have bastardised the efficacy of prayers to the chagrin of God Himself, otherwise, nobody prays for a new born baby to become a teacher during naming ceremony.
Its sad.
Egbirin ote won yoo tu.
Nigeria sucks Pius, holding
Submitted by bellosuperman@yahoo.com (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 09:37.
Nigeria sucks Pius, holding my breath already for the barrage of GEJ is JESUS and SR is bias buffoonery. God help me on my next VISA SESSION1
Pius, you really know their
Submitted by Liberty A. on December 18, 2010 - 08:45.
Pius, you really know their language, I dey laugh o. Thanks for this coffee session break.
Keep on with the good and great job.
we need prescription to tackle the future
Submitted by tee osh (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 08:07.
I am not sure your fans will assail me all day. The tone, style and direction of your message is telling us what we always know. meaning that you always seem to be on this platform to write and show case yourself. what we need from your talent and innovation is the thrust to hope, inspiration, construction of ideas to tackle the myriad problems we face. What can you do to bring up new literary writers in Nigeria, to take on the video industry that keep churning out bad monotonous scripts (just an example)? How do we support the democratic process, and disrupt in practical terms this evil doers you write about? How do we use this forum to organise concrete on-line agenda to off-line programme? e.g. Call for volunteering, alumni support of our old primary and secondary(donating books, money to build and repair dilapidated schools! we need to support the younger generation to renew the struggle. Is it possible to inspire a new agenda, than to criticise alone. I respect and admire PIUS far more than you all may think. Pius i am not impressed that your writings here are based on real satires steeped in literary prowess. We need more writing to influence and engage mind for action! That which sets and nurture the dream of Nigeria you wish we had without this characters you depict in your satire...Nigerian need more inspiration now than know about sufferings they have internalised (which keeps softening their will and send them the wrong way). As an avid student of history and humanities think about those writers who did it and see if I am right. Inspire Us!
I love this very funny but
Submitted by don morgan (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 08:01.
I love this very funny but also vert true!
quite comical,but captures
Submitted by okonkwo kenneddy (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 07:38.
quite comical,but captures the distressing and painful reality of intrigues that define political power structure in nigeria.gbenga daniels and akala are two men who have so much blood on their hands and wont hesitate to send more people to the great beyond in their desperation for power preservation..but the wind of change blowing across yorubaland is about put a stop to the political bigotry and financial recklessness exemplified by this bunch of the `GRUESOME TWOSOME`..thank you pius, iam simply angry.
PIUS ADESANMI......... The Political Playwright
Submitted by The OLU of El-Paso, TX (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 07:25.
This is just a capture of the history, present and the future of the Ogun and Oyo Charlatans. You captured it in a clear and understandable PROSE. You should be a playwright if you are not already one. Wole Soyinka would be glad to have someone like you step into his shoes. Chikena..... O pari...!!!!
They are all in disarray
Submitted by Ardoibrahim (not verified) on December 18, 2010 - 06:01.
Akala, OGD, Jonathan are all in a panic mode now that their looting appears to have an end date with free and fair election next year. The incompetent and pathetic Jonathan has now resorted to childish petulance by threatening not to drown alone without the governors if they don't support him...I'm laughing
