Monday, 21 May 2012
Obasanjo Testifies By Sonala Olumhense
Columnist:
Sonala Olumhense In the fullness of time, Olusegun Obasanjo, Nigeria’s former President, dies. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
“Ahhh! Peter,” he says effusively, “You are always working, and I have always wondered how you do it.”
“Thank you,” St. Peter says.
Obasanjo adjusts his agbada. “My brother, I know you have a lot of people coming through here, so I will not waste your time,” he says. “Please help me with just one question.”
“Go ahead.”
“What is the format of the interview?”
St. Peter smiles. You must be a Nigerian,” he says.
The Balogun of Owu is incredulous. “How do you know that?”
“No reason, really,” St. Peter says. “I just sensed it.”
“Thank you. So is there anything I should know before I get there?”
“You mean The Final Judgment?”
“Yes!”
“You mean anything other than what you already know? Other than The 10 Commandments?”
“No, I don’t mean the content of the interview. Just the format. I just want to be sure I am prepared.”
“I understand,” St Peter says. “So…Nigeria. Were you very important?”
Obasanjo beams. “As important as you could be. I was twice leader of the nation, for a total of 11 years. I came close to being President for Life.
And then I built a massive church for the Lord.”
“Those are wonderful achievements. Were they happy or sad?”
The Balogun beams again. “They were actually very happy achievements.”
“I meant the people. Were they happy with you when you left office?”
“You know Nigerians. They are difficult to…”
“So they danced in joy when they knew for sure you had run out of time?”
“They are a stiff-necked people.”
“What about yourself? You said you built a church. Were you very rich?”
“Emmm…”
“Building a fitting place of worship takes a lot of money, unless it is built by the Lord Himself. Were you very rich?”
“Emmm…If you don’t mind, may I ask if this is part of my Interview?”
St Peter smiles. “No, it is not. You do not have to answer me. But you wanted me to help you prepare.”
“Yes of course,” says Obasanjo, “I appreciate it. Actually, I am a very rich man.”
“Okay. So you had a lot of investments?”
“In a sense, yes. I helped a lot of people, and they were grateful.”
“The poor people were so grateful they gave you money, the lack of which got them described as poor in the first place?”
“Oh Peter, you sef! Not those kinds of people!”
“Oh… So you helped the privileged and they got richer, and then made you rich enough to build a church. But what of the poor? I take it they were the ones dancing when you left office. But what of the man who took over from you? Did he like the situation? Did he seek to correct the error of your ways?”
“Well, the man who took over was my own man. I selected him personally. He owed me, and I owned him.”
“Oh, what immense riches,” St Peter says. “How is he doing now?”
“Actually, he is already dead. He must have passed through here. He was quite sick, and was only in office for two years.”
“What about his successor? Did he take an interest in correcting the errors of your tenure?”
“Oh, Peter, you keep referring to my errors, but I was practically flawless. This man was also chosen by me, first as deputy to the man who died, and then as the new leader.”
“Oh, double insurance! You protected yourself way into the future.”
Obasanjo smiles even more broadly. “Well, I cannot take full credit for it all. This new man has, shall we say, defined deficiencies. I tried to run a responsible government, for example, but he does not have a clue.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, let me give you an example. The man ran for office making promises all over the country, including a transformation agenda. Personally, I don’t believe he can spell agenda, talk less of transformation. He could not even define his agenda.”
St Peter is staring at the man.
Obasanjo continues: “Another example. In June of 2011, I was attending a conference in Switzerland, organised by the Club de Madrid on the subject of ‘Meeting Sustainable Societies and Social Justice.’ They asked me about the subject of fighting corruption in Nigeria, and I said, “what fight?” I told them the government was weak and lacked the will to fight corruption because corrupt people are deeply entrenched in the government. I did not mention names, but everybody knew what I was talking about.”
“That was a courageous thing to do.”
“I am a courageous man, Peter. A soldier’s soldier. I am not afraid of small boys. And do you know what happened thereafter?”
“What?”
“Well, they fired the lady who was handling the economic and financial crimes office.”
“Was she bad?”
Obasanjo laughs again. “Bad woman? I already knew that in a year or two, they will give her a National Honour.”
“So are you saying that government did not start correcting the mistakes made by its predecessors so that the people will be happier?”
“Oh, they were busy. For instance, saying they wanted to fight the insecurity in the country, they gave a contract called National Security Communications System (NPSCS) worth $470m to a Chinese company to install closed circuit television cameras in Abuja. No due process, no details.”
“So you think…”
“Please Peter, hold on. There are already CCTV cameras all over Lagos.
And Abuja. Why? Because in November 2004, my government gave out a contract for the same purpose. Value: N847m. Just seven years ago. All the equipment is already available.”
St Peter thinks for a moment. “So you pointed this out to the new leader?”
The Balogun glances around. “I beg your pardon?”
“If you pointed the duplication and waste out to the new leader, perhaps he will revise the plan and use the money for other things that will benefit the people.”
“Emm…no.”
“You ignored this?”
“Well, it is his government.”
“Yes, and you will only talk about the issues out of earshot?”
“No, not at all. I told you what I said in Switzerland. It was widely reported.”
“Oh, Switzerland. But you, a rich, church-building man, never confronted fiction with truth?”
“It is not like that. He is of my party, the biggest party in Africa. We want to rule for 100 years. We don’t get into each other’s way.”
“Your party sounds as if it is really big. You have a lot of rich people?”
“The richest.”
“Powerful people?”
“Power! The two Ps in our name actually stand for P-O-W-E-R. Power Demands Power.”
St Peter smiles broadly. “In that case you must have a lot of murderers, crooks, 419-ers, election-riggers, forgers, treasury-looters, money-launderers, certificate-forgers, pedophiles, liars and so on in your midst?
Obasanjo shakes his head vigorously. “Emm…maybe!”
“You abhorred injustice, promoted merit, fought poverty, supported equality, and elevated self above nobody, and denied no one of his rights?”
“But I thought we were talking about format, not content!”
“Of course,” says St Peter. “And I hope you know CCTV technology was developed up here. I am sure the Lord is watching and listening, along with a lot of Nigerians who have been waiting for your arrival.”
“The format, Peter, the format!” our
• sonala.olumhense@gmail.com
Comments
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Thank God for giving ur
Submitted by Brown (not verified) on December 16, 2011 - 03:13.
Thank God for giving ur someone as Obj non of your family member can b lik him he has seen it all go and start your own.
St Peter did not ask about Gbenga's wife
Submitted by Emmanuel (not verified) on December 13, 2011 - 22:56.
With CCTV already installed by God himself out there, I wonder Why St Peter did not ask him about screwing of his son's wife. May be mama Iyabo could have caused.
May be its wasnt part of the format. In that case we more formats or templates for the Balogun himself.
Sonala thank you for this brain teaser.
@OC ... my respect & @ KaparaK .... ???
Submitted by Kool (original) (not verified) on December 13, 2011 - 16:16.
@OC, thanks for the apology and this restores the respect I have for you as one of the matured, civilised and intelligent contributors on this forum. I agree we need to move on and leave posterity to judge OBJ. This would have been made easier by OBJ himself if only he can behave as a proper elder stateman just as the likes of Gowon, Shagari & Abdusalami.
@Kaparak ... it is time for me to move on and leave you to your childishness. Kick off as much as you like with all the gutter language and display all the tantrums you know. I won't let you drag me into your gutter. You have lost the little respect I used to have for you.
@ KOOL & HIS GANG OF THIEVES, WHY ARE YOU FRETTING?
Submitted by KaparaK (not verified) on December 13, 2011 - 14:07.
If OBJ is compromised like your grandma's cat then why are you all so afraid of a 70+ year old soldier? Even in his old age, the mighty man can still kick your rat-ass back in jail from whence you crawled out. Who else is out there to roar & give your puny heart a stroke & keel over?
@KaparaK .... your cat is compromised and jittery !!!
Submitted by Kool (original) (not verified) on December 13, 2011 - 13:10.
@KaparaK, you have been given the appropriate response by @FireCloud of God and there is nothing more to add except tell you of a true story of a cat owned by my grandmum while I was a young boy.
My grandmum bought a cat when we had rat infestation in the house. Intially, this cat preyed on the rats and scared them away. Over a period of time, the rats appeared to have seduced the cat and to the amazement of my grandma, the cat was observed one day playing with the rats.
I aked my grandmum for an explanation and she told me that both animals entered into covenant (imule in Yoruba). @KaparaK, your idol OBJ is like my grandmum's cat .... hahaha !!! Stop fooling yourself as any sane Nigerian knows that OBJ is meddling in governance to safeguard the skeletons in his cupboard.
Apology to Mr Kool, but isn't it time we moved on?
Submitted by OC (not verified) on December 13, 2011 - 09:59.
Apologies if my response appeared like a direct attack on you. My comment about the deranged man was actually not aimed at you, despite your own vituperations. Never mind. It was a general point I made that serious minded persons should not be getting excited about OBJ that left Government about 5 years ago, likewise, about Tony Blair or Bill Clinton, Gordon Brown or George Bush. Brits or Americans do not get excited whenever these people speak nowadays. No! Times have moved on and their time has passed. So too is Obj's time. But I would rather Obj and other past Nigerian leaders continue to give guidance to the incumbent, as Statesmen, rather than keep mute, as some past 'leaders' who continue to collect Pensions from the Federal Government coffers for doing nothing and refusing to attend Council of States Meetings.
My analogy of a deranged mind is true. Obj's story has been told nearly every day or every week or every month. Are you not sick and tired of it?
@ KaparaK, Get real my friend.
Submitted by FiReCloUd Of GoD (not verified) on December 13, 2011 - 02:43.
@ KaparaK, are you talking from Mars or you are still in stupor or recovering from some hallucinogenic agent? Have you been following this talk about 3rd term brouhaha and the give away of all Nigerian silver wares during OBJ's term? Why did our power situation not improve during 8 years of your brother's reign?
Reign it was!
Get real my friend.
Roaches & Maggots want President OBJ to Stop Meddling...
Submitted by KaparaK (not verified) on December 13, 2011 - 01:35.
so they can have freedom to loot. As the famous saying goes “Rats patrol the streets only when the Cat is on vacation…” Whenever the likes of Kool & the Gang of thieves rationalize that if Mandela / Brown no longer meddle in issues afflicting South Africa & UK, then OBJ should do likewise.
Hell no! Such jaundiced opinion is akin to common thieves asking the grand-fatherly head of household to neglect his duty since responsibility has shifted to his son. In your dreams, sticky-fingers!
Just because you don’t read in Naija’s worthless media of foreign retired politicians meddling in their home countries doesn’t mean they don’t berate their current politicians that misbehave. You ever heard of the Iron-Lady? Go figure!
Viva, OBJ!!! May your days be long to keep whacking and busting the heads of these numbskulls until they stop stealing the nation blind.
Deri. It's obvious that you
Submitted by ronx! (not verified) on December 12, 2011 - 20:19.
Deri. It's obvious that you have run out of things to say. Frankly I am tired of your ramblings and I think its time for you to shutup.
OC ..... can you ever get it?
Submitted by Kool (original) (not verified) on December 12, 2011 - 18:31.
@OC, I will respond with one of OBJ's biblical quotes - "Answer a fool according to his folly lest he be wise in his own eyes" (Prov 26: 5). I will just point out the folly in your response. I will not answer you in the same abusive mannner lest I become like you (Prov 26:4).
Brilliant you pointed to Gordon Brown. In comparing OBJ with GB, the key questions you failed to ask yourself are - Did Gordon withdraw from active politics after handing over to Cameron? Is GB still meddling actively in party politics and flaunting "a holier than thou attitude around" with his failure in governance?
If OBJ did his best, let the works of his hands speak for him. We don't need sycophants to hush down any dissenting views. If OBJ laid a good foundation and sowed the seed of peace, let him retire fully into Ota/Abeokuta and allow posterity to vindicate him. That OBJ is unable to behave like Nelson Mandela speaks volumes of his feelings of insecurity.
Anonymous & Kool - You miss the Point!
Submitted by OC (not verified) on December 12, 2011 - 08:46.
In as much as I dislike responding to ‘anonymous’ persons, because of the simple fact that they are anonymous, but I shall respond in this instance. Obj’s performance or non-performance, his omissions, ills, misdeeds or errors or evil deeds, or, indeed, his successes are a matter of perception. However, the bottom line remains that Obj did his best. And by my scoring, he is by far the best President Nigeria has ever had.
He happened about 5 years ago, and a serious nation cannot still be getting excited over news about him. Just like the rest of the world has moved on, so too should Nigeria. Do you still continue to hear about the misdeeds of Gordon Brown or George Bush being discussed almost on a daily basis? Only a mad person keeps repeating the same comments, while an equally deranged or unserious person likes hearing the same thing repeated to them. You cannot find excitement by hearing the same music played all the time. Or, CAN YOU?
Saad, DANGOTE gave OVER 100M TO FASHOLA
Submitted by deri (not verified) on December 12, 2011 - 02:06.
Part of the solution Sonala has for Nigeria was his support for Buhari during the presidential elections. Beyond that my edo brother is too rich for my taste. And just as much as he has the right to comment on the color of OBJs under-wear, so do we equally have the right to plead with him to confine his thoughts to current events in the country with his dry sense of humour. Meanwhile the Senate has formally named Nigerians who have stolen and benefitted from the oil subsidy, causing pains and hardship to ordinary Nigerian citizens with Oando, owned by Wale Tinubu, younger brother of former Lagos Governor, Bola Ahmed Tinubu and Sayyud Dantata MRS oil topping the list.
@KaparaK
Submitted by Red Eagle (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 23:43.
Economic growth of 7% against inflation of 10%, Green what!! are you joking or drunk. The man cannot account for crude oil earnings in 8yrs when crude oil prices vacillated b/w $50 t0 $150 per barrel. He cannot boast of repairing a single refinery, opening other sectors of the economy. The good book says "he who praises the wicked the people shall condemn"
THE CRUDE AND BRUTE CALLED OBASANJO.
Submitted by KPAKPANDO 1 (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 23:32.
OLUSEGUN OBASANJO IS APPALLINGLY BEREFT OF BASIC MORAL SCRUPLES AND PATHETICALLY INBUED FROM BIRTH, TRAITS OF BRUTALITY, VINDICTIVENESS AND MORBIDLY CORRUPT. HE IS ALONE AND LONELY, WITH NO FILIAL CONNECTEDNESS, WHATSOEVER. NIGERIA IS STILL IN THE QUAGMIRE THAT HIS GOD-FORSAKEN DICTATORSHIP ENGENDERED.
the evil that men do lives with and after them.
Submitted by tundemash (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 21:54.
@Sonala
Another masterpiece. Just ignore the agents of the roues in power here. Even Abacha had supporters ... how much more the lesser evils of OBJ, PDP and Jonathan.
@Tafawa Balewite
Sonala and others have proffered solutions several times ..... do the PDP govt ever listen. For example, several times many people have said on this forum, oil-subsody removal isn't a solution; refininig crude locally is the solution and yet Jonathan is bent on it and yet you are asking people to proffer solutions to a corrupt govt.
@OC
People like you see red and call it white. Is a lie OBJ bequeathed Nigeria with the sick man and the present clueless one ? If Jonathan had been a success, would OBJ not claim the glory of installing him ? Now that Jonathan is a monumental disaster he is, you want peopple to leave OBJ alone. Like others have said ..... the evil that men do lives with and after them. May OBJ rot in hell IF he had done bad !
Since Sisyphus Adesanmi writes Satire, Copycat Sonala folo-folos
Submitted by KaparaK (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 21:28.
Compared to empty accomplishments of 10 past heads of state, OBJ could testify to his 10 ranging from green revolution, economic growth averaging 7%; caging Military coups, restoring democratic dispensation; rescuing Nigeria’s global pariah status; rehab of Igbos into leadership positions (Okonjo, Soludo, Tom Ironsi, Paul Dike); NITEL replaced with handsets telephony; replaced $40B debt with $50B savings; created EFCC to sanitize the stench of corruption that stinks to high heavens.
What more can OBJ do for these ingrates? In his wisdom, God rendered his judgment in favor of His favored son, since gullible Nigerians allowed themselves to be swayed by the forked-pens of Lucifer’s demons (NdibeO, SonalaO, LeviO, PiusA, etc). So seethed the Lord & banished them to roam the wilderness for another 50 years until they have learned their lessons all over again like Sisyphus so He could send another Messiah to re-test their obedience & wisdom. Amen!
THANK YOU YORUBA LADY
Submitted by IBRAHIM SAAD (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 20:12.
DERI'S INCOHERENT RAMBLINGS ARE AN INDICATION THAT THOSE SUPPORTING GEJ ARE RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS. THESE SAME PEOPLE HE THINKS HE IS EXPOSING ARE THE MAIN FINANCIERS OF THE GEJ ELECTION. DANGOTES MUM IS THE GRAND-DAUGHTER OF THE ORINAL DANTATA, SO THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN MRS AND DANGOTE (GCFR) IS STRONGER THAN THAT OF OANDO AND TINUBU. THANKS FOR THE INFO MAYBE DERI WILL STOP THESE POSTINGS NOW.
ONE MORE THING IS THAT THESE COMPANIES ARE BUSINESS MEN IF THE GOVT WONT PATRONISE THEM UNLESS THEY DO SOME SHADY DEALS THEN THEY HAVE NO OPTION. I KNOW SOME OF THEM LIKE A.A.RANO AND MRS. THEIR CONTRIBUTIONS TO SOCEITY IS IMMENSE. A.A. RANO IS MAKING A HUGE IMPACT ON THE EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM IN KANO STATE. IT IS NOT LIKE THEY ARE THE EVIL ONES, IT IS BUSINESS.
oil subsidy thieves nko?
Submitted by deri (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 19:19.
The Senate has formally named Nigerians who have stolen and benefitted from the oil subsidy, causing pains and hardship to ordinary Nigerian citizens with Oando, owned by Wale Tinubu, younger brother of former Lagos Governor, Bola Ahmed Tinubu and Sayyud Dantata MRS oil topping the list.Mike Adenuga’s CONOIL and construction companies, one of them suspected to be Julius Berger were named as the culprits.Among the names reeled out by the Senator Abe led Committee are; Oando Nigerian Plc. – N228.506 b, MRS – N224.818 billion, Enak Oil & Gas – N19.684 billion, CONOIl – N37.960 billion, Bovas & Co. Nig. Ltd. – N5.685 billion, Obat N85 billion and AP; N104.5billion.
confine your thoughts to KKK-aka boko haram-u dey fear?
Submitted by Deri (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 19:18.
While humans are being bombed and killed daily in their hundreds in the North by KKK aka boko haram, all some writers can do is to invent stories on how OBJ was invented for us by Atiku, IBB, Gusua and Abdul Salam-and then sprinkle their tales by moonlight with gossips from tinubu square for us to swallow-Regardless of the efforts of the Senate to name Nigerians who have stolen and benefitted from the oil subsidy deals, causing pains and hardship to ordinary Nigerian citizens with Oando, owned by Wale Tinubu, younger brother of former Lagos Governor, Bola Ahmed Tinubu heading the capitalist oil market of fuel thieves in Togo and Nigeria. Boko Haram is no go area for writers!
OC & Deri - both missed the point
Submitted by Kool (original) (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 17:57.
@OC, the likes of you who don't like OBJ to be blamed for the areas he failed in governance fail to get it that the good or evil that men do will surely live after them. This is why there is no prayer for the dead according to the scriptures as the works of their hands follow after them.
Of course OBJ had his good points as president and some people will remember him for the good. Equally, other people will continue to highlight the areas that Obasanjo failed woefully especially when OBJ flaunts "a holier than thou attitude". Now is the most appropriate time to discuss OBJ's failure because the likes of you will tell us that "you do not talk ill of the dead" once OBJ dies.
@Yoruba lady, thanks for exposing Deri's ignorance about the true identity of Wale Tinubu. Deri is like a dried fish that no longer be moulded. Cheers and cheers again.
Deri, what is your point?
Submitted by yoruba lady (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 15:11.
Deri, what is your point? You have written these same comments several times which have no head or tail.
As for Tafawa Balewite, if you can't stand the heat, don't come to the kitchen.
Sonala has every right to write satirical jokes. Keep your sentiments to yourself.
Also for your information, Deri, Wale Tinubu is not biologically related to Bola Tinubu.
Wale Tinubu is the son of Ghaffar Tinubu ex police comissioner.
Get your facts right before coming online.
The Evils men do....
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 14:57.
@OC, Did you never hear of ...the evils that men do....General Murtala Muhammed ruld for only 6 moths and died about 25 years ago. Do you think Nigerians would ever forget his positive contributions to the nation? OBJ had the chnace twice, and twice he messed up. Yet, an apologist wants Nigerians to forget the era!!!Would you tell him to let us know the result of the $16billion energy fund?
Solutions Please, NOT Satires
Submitted by Tafawa Balewite - ATBU (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 14:20.
Solutions please, not satires.
Sonala has always hammered on those in power at every slightest opportunity. We know we've always been blessed with buffoons - so, it is nothing new pointing out the obvious.
What - in my humble opinion, I expect from you are blue prints of getting us out of this quagmire we've found ourselves.
Come up with a solid blue print, not just skirting around the edges, of how we achieve regular power supply. Come up with a blue print of how the nation's airports can be better managed. Blue Print of creating jobs. Blue print of revamping the Health sector.
Bottom line, come up with solutions instead of constantly barraging us with the same irritating sonorous - no pun intended - music day in, day out.
Move forward!
Submitted by OC (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 14:02.
Rubbish! I seriously cannot believe that Sonala would wake up one day and conceive writing such rubbish, despite the numerous problems and issues plaguing the country. This fixation and constant cheap shot on Obj must stop! Nearly 5 years later a nation is still grappled by or fixated on the perceived crimes or omissions of the old man. Obj is usually the butt of the joke by anybody seeking popularity or relevance. Leave the old man alone! He did his best, and it's now your own turn and mine to do likewise.
We cannot move forward as a nation if we continually keep looking backward or keep staring at the rear view mirror. Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, Bill Clinton, George Bush and Obj are all now history. Let us move on!
LOL!
Submitted by Koboko-Dem! (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 11:54.
Original CCTV, indeed. I ask: What is a man but his legacy?
AGENTS OF THE TOLLGATE IN LAGOS ARE BACK
Submitted by DERI (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 11:29.
The Senate has formally named Nigerians who have stolen and benefitted from the oil subsidy, causing pains and hardship to ordinary Nigerian citizens with Oando, owned by Wale Tinubu, younger brother of former Lagos Governor, Bola Ahmed Tinubu and Sayyud Dantata MRS oil topping the list.Mike Adenuga’s CONOIL and construction companies, one of them suspected to be Julius Berger were named as the culprits.Among the names reeled out by the Senator Abe led Committee are; Oando Nigerian Plc. – N228.506 b, MRS – N224.818 billion, Enak Oil & Gas – N19.684 billion, CONOIl – N37.960 billion, Bovas & Co. Nig. Ltd. – N5.685 billion, Obat N85 billion and AP; N104.5billion.
Must Obasanjo die?
Submitted by Anonymous1 (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 11:16.
Nice one but you did not have to put it that way e.g
"In the fullness of time, Olusegun Obasanjo, Nigeria’s former President, dies. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter".
Why? Living people 'hate' death satires. Ha ha ha!
Time will tell!
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 11:15.
Yes, Sonala, a lot of Nigerians are waiting for the end of OBJ. They are wondering what he'll tell St. Peter's.
I think Aremu of Ota is already sensing that his end would be disastrous and that's why he starts to preach to GEJ. Somehow trying to show he's the only angel among devils!!! Time will tell.
Master piece!..May you live
Submitted by habbey2080 (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 10:35.
Master piece!..May you live long...
Sr party
Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on December 11, 2011 - 07:33.
How dare you talk to ACN, the beloved party of sahara reporters like that. Hahahahahhhhhaaaaaa
