February 17, 2009
A certain "Dr.Emma Oguamanam", apparently unable to ascertain the current state of his/her schizophrenia, or suffering from the side-effects of having recently ingested a cupious amount of his NAFDAC-approved medication in a futile attempt to hasten the cure of his otherwise incurrable split-personality disorder, let loose a canon of unitelligible hillarity on the pages of Sahara Reporters in a masterpiece entitled "Still on corrupt Justice Iheme-Nwosu-Shame on the Media" - a compendium of inane ranting and a display of inebriated incoherence, a very likely candidate for the study of how not to write an article IF you are going to prepend your name with "Dr." I invite every reader to please take a moment to enjoy the exercise in madness exhibited by the quack Doctor. Yes, I know. It will be a waste of your precious time. Yes, it will be a bad investment of your time and effort which, of course, you will not be able to recoup. But, I wager you, dear reader, the hillarity will be sufficient recompense for such exercise. Dr. Oguamanam's masterpiece is chokeful of incoherence, rant and cant and so much conjectures and (yes) fear that, by the time you've read it through (if you make it that far with your ribs intact), you will pretty much agree with me that it probably does not deserve a response.
But respond I must. Not because I find anything substantive in Dr. Oguamanam's orgasmic malapropism, but .... because I secretly enjoy shooting fish in a barrel. I am not really sadistic, although I enjoy a blood sport or two every now and then. Shooting fish in a barrel does not require much effort, or thoughts. You just get your gun in one hand, beer in the other, get your lawn chair (or barstool), take your freaking sweet time, and proceed to shoot, sip, reload, shoot, repeat ad infinitum. You can even catch a nap in-between, get a nooner if you develop a boner, then go back to shoot-sip-reload. Because, you see, the fish are in a barrel. And they are captive. Helpless even. They can't escape. That is our Dr. Oguamanam. Roped himself into an inextricable entanglement he did, and it will be quite sad if we just watch him rope himself in some more without our able assistance, don't you think?
Dr. Oguamanam woke up on the wrong side of the bed and proceeded to spoil the faces of Sahara Reporters with what she must have been really proud of as a response to a letter contributed by a Sahara Reporter reader, NOYO. She probably thought to herself (let's just henceforth stipulate that "Emma" sounds feminine, with due apologies to women all around and men who happen to be named Emma):
"That Sahara Reporters person or persons. I... no, I mean we... are going to show them today".
The various "Doctors" in her probably fused together and agreed to present a common face, although not before they asserted their plurality by proclaiming in their opening paragraph:
We ("Dr. Emma Oguamanam") read with dismay your obvious display of vendetta, personal grievance and utter ignorance and callousness on your unwarranted and baseless attack on the Ebonyi Election Tribunal Chairman, two years after...
A lifetime subscription to old copies of the "Ikebe Super" (or a comparable comical publication) awaits the first person to transcribe the above into anything resembling a lucid sentence. Quick. No? OK, moving on...
Ignoring the typos, errant punctuations and obvious errors littering the masterful creation of the Nigerian incarcanation of the malodorous Dr. Jekyll, it is apparent that the collecttive personalities of Dr. Oguamanam do not understand the basic principles of Sahara Reporters' unique medium of news reporting and commentaries. It is possible that, perhaps, one of the Dr.'s personalities does indeed know that the said letter to which they were responding was written by a contributor who is not affiliated with Sahara Reporters. How could anyone have known this? Well, by actually reading it and noticing that it starts off with a "Dear SaharaReporters," intro, much like you would do in a "Dear Editor" piece submitted to a traditional medium. By actually noticing that the said letter appears in the "Your Letters" section of Sahara Reporters. How about by noticing in the letter "they" were responding to that "Noyo" actually conveyed that impression by saluting Sahara Reporters in the penultimate paragraph of his letter to Sahara Reporters.
Of course, being conflicted with so much contending personalities (and, thus, being unable to determine whether or not she is writing as a singular first person or the totality of her multiple personalities), Dr. Oguamanam cannot reasonably be expected to understand the difference between the Sahara Reporters entity and its readers. To her acutely impaired and jaundiced reasoning, they are one and the same. The Doctor's impairment makes it rather difficult to logically engage him in a "conversation" in this situation. Much as I like shooting fish in a barrel, I do not very much enjoy the prospect of crossing swords with such delusional antagonist. How does one logically respond to the following?:
Otherwise, how do you shamelessly attack Justice Nwosu when five judges sat and signed the judgement which is a public document, why do you wickedly and mischievously write that three judges signed the baseless ogbonnaya onu so called petition when you should have the judgement with you...
Are the various Dr. Oguamanam addressing Sahara Reporters here, or is one of them talking to Noyo? If "they" were asking Noyo the question, then I have no desire to hold brief for Noyo. Because this distinction is very unclear in the Doctor's rant, one is left wondering whom she is addressing.
...why do you degenerate to making it so obvious that you have a personal grievance against Justice Nwosu the chairman by going to her birthday photographs put by her family...
I am trying very hard to not specifically question Dr. Oguamanam's doctoral qualifications, given his incomprehensible writing styles. Honestly, I am. So, let's just stick to what irks the Doctor. Birthday photographs? That is a crux of your dissertation, ahem, I mean irate pissing contest? Sahara Reporters used your idol's birthday photograph? "Put by her family", as you say? If her family did not intend for the world to see the photographs, why the hell did they "put" it wherever they "put" it? The display of the photographs is sufficient to make you blow a gasket? Humanity is saved by the fact that you are only a village "doctor" with no access to any weapon of mass destruction other than your propensity to orally defecate in public places. It is rather frightening to imagine what would have become of the world if you had had the capability to, say, control some nuclear arsenal. Photographs?
....you even in your reply to a concerned citizen say the other judgements she gave at the tribunal where minor slide shows, what a shame to journalism and a shame to your sponsors. by doing so, you are merely making a carricature of sahara reporters and portraying it as an avenue of settling personal grievances.
I will now refrain from stressing AGAIN and AGAIN that Sahara Reporters is NOT Noyo. QED. But, so we don't get distracted by that sideshow, what are you ALL (the "We" in you) trying to say here, "Doctors"? Were you referring to the merciless deconstruction Noyo inflicted on one hapless Uzodinma Nwosu when the latter (again) resorted to displaying the paucity of his education and intelligence by writing perhaps the lamest letter ever to appear on the pages of Sahara Reporters? Is Uzodinma Nwosu, perhaps, another manifestation of your multitudinous existence? Who are you, really, Doctor? Are you the Mini-You, the Real-You, or the Other-You? Please don't say "all of the above". I can only take so much rib-cracking hillarity and absurdity in one day.
Apart from Lagos, Edo, Bauchi, and Kano, Ebonyi ranks fifth in the fairest election of 2007, your tabloid have even failed to even write about more controversial states like Oyo, Ekiti, Imo. delta and some other states where they had clear election shenanigans..... To show that you have allowed your faceless Saharareporters that I have never heard before in my life to be used as an object of caricature and vendetta why are you still attacking the decision of the lower court when Ogbonnaya Onu has gone to the Appeal court and his worthless petition thrown to the thrash can where it rightful belongs to?
You see now why I strongly believe that you have some serious issues, Doctor? One of you claims to have never heard of Sahara Reporters in his/her life, yet another part of you claims that Sahara Reporters has not written anything about some choice states. Which is it, Ma'am... or Sir? Could your failure to have heard of Sahara Reporters "in your life" be attributable to the possibility that you have just recently escaped from some form of confinement? You couldn't have just crawled out of a cave, could you? Could it be that your "life" was inextant until you penned this masterpiece of yours? Who are you, really? a "We" or an "I"?
Somehow, I have a sneaky feeling that a REAL Doctor is missing somewhere. You wouldn't have anything to do with that, would you? It also occurs to me that, right now, a town or village in Ebonyi is missing its local idiot. Which one of you are they missing?
Why have you and your shameless sponsors suddenly realized that the judgement delivered since 2007 was influenced?
Good question, Doctor. Perhaps it is because, unlike in law, there is no statue of limitation in journalism? Of course, you wouldn't know that.
...is it not childish and rediculous? is it not dirty vendetta?
Yes, ma'am. Very "rediculous", indeed. And the vendetta is so dirty, it puts your mind to shame.
Do not allow your personal grievances blind fold you and effect your already polluted and false sense of reasoning, your sponsors are very bad loosers and now carring thier childish attack to a ridiculous extent, next time tell them to go to more established media houses and not saharareporters that most of the articles they write end up being read by their poorly educated staff, who migrated to the United States illegally.Writing Falsehood is one avenue you shameless vogues think you can use to attract readers, read my lips it will not work....
Deep. Very deep, Doctor(s). As someone closely associated with Sahara Reporters, please let me respond henceforth on their behalf. Do you mind us asking this - IF a false sense of reasoning is already polluted, then how is it "effected" by "grievances" actually? Is it for the better, or does the condition worsen? How does that work in La-la land? While you are pondering that conundrum, please be assured that we will take your incisive admonition into consideration and forthwith divorce all our "Sponsors". We ask you to help us (and keep us honest) in this regard by publicly naming a few of them in your next nauseous heave. Because we strive to provide a medium to EVERYONE on Sahara Reporters, we will be glad to publish it without varnishing.
On behalf of our "staff", we sincerely apologize for their poor education. We have apparently misunderestimated the uncanny ability of village idiots, sleuths, Doctors like you to ferret out our "staff" lack of schooling and other dirty laundry that we have been hiding from the world. Being a very able Doctor, we are sure that you will be receptive to our request for your assistance in properly edumacating all these ignoramuses who do nothing but waste our "Sponsors'" investments.
Dr. Oguamanam, we marvel at your clairvoyance. You are so larger-than-live, Aro will be too ill-fitting for anyone with your stupenduous grandiosity. We, therefore, humbly ask you that you please not reveal to anyone else the secrecy of our "staff's" illegality in this US of A. Please. In return for your co-operation, we will do our best to no longer offend any one of the collective you - EVER! But, we must ask, since it appeared that you have read some of the articles you said are only read by our "vogues", you wouldn't happen to be one of those "vogues", would you?
You see, Dr., we are very confused. One of you is telling us that you've are onto us, you've exposed us, you've discovered our secrets. Now we are fearful indeed. But the other (several) parts of you are insisting that you are basking in the glory of infinite and incurable lunacy, mendacity, inebriation, vapidity and a degenerative mental acuity. What do we make of this? Since we here at Sahara Reporters are not very versed in the art of clinical diagnosis, all we can do is marvel at the enigma known as Dr. Oguamanam and urge that he/she/they take reasonable steps to avail him-/her-/themselves of whatever curative remedy can be had locally. We do not celebrate the travails of people in your condition, Doctor - we empathize with them.
Whatever is burdening everyone of the "We" in you, we hope that you come out OK on the other side.
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