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If I were God!

May 25, 2009

I nursed the idea of writing this article for a while. Many times I started to think of what to write but always gave up-I just could not organize my thoughts. Which brings me to my first point-I am not God. I therefore offer my sincere apologies to all of you who believe in any Deity, this is not an attempt to reduce your Object or Concept of your faith to the level of human enterprise. Happenings in Nigeria have forced me into wishing I was God, and I have made up my mind to visit certain Nigerians with my wrath. Please, read on.

And I cast my roving eyes on Olusegun Obasanjo and shook my head. This is a man whom I gave all the opportunities to be a source of blessing to his fellow citizens but he squandered it all. Looking at this Aremu character, I have every cause to suspect that the good Old Nick sneaked in while I was on a break from my work in the creation workshop and moulded this one-in his devilish character![yes, my enemies were at it!] Obasanjo has forced me into rejecting the earthly notion that I created everything on earth! I am a merciful deity and this is often reflected in most of my pronouncements and deeds, but after watching Obasanjo on Steve Sackur’s HARDtalk on the BBC, wept for Nigeria. I humbly enjoin those of you who did not watch this programme to do so at once... I have taken the pain to provide this link so that any of you who might want to intercede on behalf of Mr. Obasanjo would think twice. If there is any such thing as a divine apology, I would not hesitate to apologise to Nigerians-150 million of them! The BBC programme sited above could be used by any discerning mind to judge the true character of Obasanjo. Steve Sackur aptly reduced Obasanjo to the nit-wit that he is. Watching Obasanjo cringe at Steve’s hard-hitting questions, he succeeded in bringing so much shame to Nigerians both at home and in diasporas-especially the Diasporas! To present Obasanjo as the most experienced Nigerian president and ending up exposing him as a buffoon is enough to condemn Obasanjo to death-for bringing the name of God into disrepute! Simple questions that required simple answers were put to this man, and what did he do? He flared up and started accusing the presenter of taking an undue advantage of him! Looking at Obasanjo stuck like toad in his seat, it was clear that he regretted that the interview was not taking place in Nigeria. His answers to virtually all the questions put to him by Steve Sackur were totally unintelligent and represents what could be described simply as the ranting of a common thief! And then you begin to wonder if the likes of Obasanjo could be used to support the argument that “God is good all the time”? The actions and inactions of Mr. Obasanjo for the entire eight years he ruled Nigeria brought so much pain, deceit, suffering, hardship, poverty, misery, disappointment, national shame and embarrassment to the good people of that nation. The most sinister part of this Obasanjo hype was that he was a hypocrite of the highest order-he supervised the primitive looting of the resources of that country. For a man who is famed to be a sex addict, I would first of all render him impotent-and make it public knowledge! A cursory search of the soul of men identified shame and embarrassment as the greatest afflictions ravaging impotent men. By all standards, Obasanjo is an exceptionally ugly man-I will add to this infamous aspect of him by giving him the Nebuchadnezzar treatment. I would turn him into a beast, creeping on all fours while roaming the bushes of Otta. For those of you who may seek to make me change my mind by attempting to “fast and pray” on his behalf, don’t. It would be a sheer waste of time. Think of the lives that were wasted on thousands of road accidents in Nigeria, all owing to the fact that Obasanjo rather than fix the numerous bad roads littered across the nation chose to misappropriate the money with his fellow PDP characters, reflect on the deaths brought about by kerosene explosion; so many Nigerians died because they were forced to use adulterated petroleum products,  commodities that abound in their country but were being imported because Obasanjo and his clouts were benefiting from wrecking the refineries and importing same product! Think of the men, women, and children that have died from inhaling generator fumes-because Obasanjo was the president that stole the money meant for the provision of electricity. Many Nigerians have died, and are still dying because Obasanjo ran a government that looted the money meant for the provision of clean pipe borne water. Think of all the beautiful lives that perished in plane crashes because Obasanjo and co only paid lip service to fixing our Airports and ensuring the safety of air passengers. Well, I might have to do more to Obasanjo than to turn him into an impotent beast. I have decided to complete his cycle of madness by making him lose the remnant of his brute sanity by walking the streets of Lagos naked for a month! I should take it easy? Well, he earned it by making a fool of himself on Steve Sackur’s HARDtalk on the BBC.

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His answer to the question on the Halliburton bribery allegation is nothing short of puerile! How could this man have ruled a country like Nigeria for eight years?  The Igbos’ay that “it is only a blind man that you can tell that there is no oil in his soup”. While attempting to refute the allegation of accepting bribes from the multinational, Obasanjo ended up sounding like a “meatomaniac” child caught stealing lumps of meat from the soup pot. When asked to react to the allegation made by Mr. Tesler [a French national] that he accepted bribe money, all he could offer was “did anybody mention my name?, Steve did anybody mention Obasanjo….did anybody mention Obasanjo..?”.[he was screaming] .And his face was zoomed so much that the man Obasanjo, the emperor that once rode Nigeria rough was finding it hard to swallow saliva, in short he appeared to be choking on it! And that was when he exploded! And I saw the workings of his mind at this point-he was cursing whoever encouraged him to take up the challenge to present himself for this suicidal interview; all the curses were in his native Yoruba language. At this stage of the interview, I could also see the numerous questions seeking for answers in Steve Sackur’s mind. He seemed to be genuinely shocked by Obasanjo’s disposition, evident enough to portray the mind frame of an African maximum ruler. Obsanjo could not shout down his interviewer because such would not be permitted in England, Obasanjo who started the programme with his usual boring manner suddenly saw the need to cross his stiff legs, and seemed to want to remove his agbada! He ended up exposing himself for what he is-a silly man, an idiot of the worst order, a thieving hypocrite, a bribe taker, a man that is bereft of the slightest iota of decorum, a buffoon who hates any form of criticism, a maniac that should have been left to rot in Yola prison, a tyrant, an impostor, a man hated by his people, a wife snatcher [his son swore to an affidavit], an immoral creature, and above all, the worst personification of evil!

So, as a farm owner, Obasanjo will be beaten by the snakes he warned journalists about in his Otta farm. He would be taken to his local hospital tied on a rickety Okada. The doctor would refuse to treat him because there wont be enough money to be deposited by his family before treatment could commence [ I would have made the EFCC to seize all his stolen wealth], there would be no power supply in this hospital, the Doctor would have been forced to relocate to Saudi Arabia or Europe because of Obasanjo’s criminal policies while in power, and as a last resort to save his live, a dodgy pastor would be invited to pray to me to “please save Baba’s life”, [claiming to be a pastor seems to be the way forward in Nigeria now].

But then, I am just but a man. An angry man, a raging citizen of Nigeria who had the misfortune of being awake when Steve Sackur’s HARDtalk was on air! A man who is still wondering what the UN saw in Mr. Mathew Aremu Olusegun Okikiola Obasanjo to warrant his being made the United Nation Secretary-General’s Special Peace Envoy to the “Democratic” Republic of Congo! The voice of men is the voice of God? Why then is Obasanjo still walking around a free man? There is no greater evil than the evil of hypocrisy! Obasanjo is no better than the kidnappers of the Niger Delta! A man that used his position as the president to engage in shameless land-grabbing all across the country, a man that came out of prison with about twenty thousand Naira in his bank account but eight years later, turned into a billionaire, a man that his son accused of “high jacking” his wife [in other words, a wife snatcher!], an election rigger, a man that pretended to be “a practising Christian” [whatever that means!] while raping and raiding our treasury, a man whose unforgiving spirit is quite legendary! And now, Nigerians rather than rise up in unison and bring this charlatan to justice have decided to “leave everything in the hands of the Almighty”! Well, if I were to represent that God, that all-knowing Almighty, I know what I will do to Obasanjo and his co-travellers-and no amount of “fasting and praying” especially from the comity of LAGOS-IBADAN Expressway churches would make me spare them……time shall tell. If only I were God…especially the God of the Old Testament….

Jon Chikadibie Okafo sent in this piece from London, UK
[email protected]

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