The kidnapping, and eventual release, of Nkem Owoh, aka Osuofia, simply means the kidnapping and making a mess of laughter, the brutal abduction and humiliation of humour in the land. Whether acting as Ikuku or as Osuofia in Nollywood movies the ultra-funny Nkem Owoh is lighthearted comedy personified. But if the kidnappers think they have abolished jokes from our shores by temporarily putting Osuofia out of circulation methinks the abductors have made a terrible mistake.
The kidnappers who have just released Osuofia added sickening humour when on collecting only N1.4 million of the requested N1.5 million ransom insisted on keeping the ace actor’s car until the balance of N100,000 is paid! These crazy kidnappers cannot have it all their way by keeping us in perpetual gloom. It is incumbent on me here to reveal a couple or so of cases where the kidnappers have been worsted in their abominable schemes.
Once upon a recent time, one never-do-well spare parts trader conspired with some kidnappers that he would be “kidnapped” so as to share the ransom money paid for his release 50/50 with his co-conspirators. His brother happens to be a rich industrialist whom he hoped would cough out as much as N100 million for his release. The kidnappers duly contacted his rich brother on phone and made the demand for N100 million.
The rich brother of the “kidnapped” spare parts trader had a long hearty laugh before replying the purported kidnapper at the other end of the phone: “My brother is not worth more than N5!”
“You think we are joking?” snarled the kidnapper. “We shall kill your brother if we don’t get N100m before 6pm!”
“Why wait till 6pm before killing a useless man?” replied the rich brother, still rollicking with hearty laughter. “I advise that you kill him immediately before he starts snoring!”
“Chei!” screamed the kidnapper as the snores of the “kidnapped” bloke flowed into his phone. He instantly cut the phone as more laughter rocked at the other end.
After not hearing anything from the “kidnapped” fellow’s brother for two days, the kidnappers made another desperate phone call stating that they had reduced the ransom to N5 million.
After another round of laughter the brother replied: “I’ll not pay even one kobo for that blighter and I don’t like being disturbed when I’m eating Nkwobi”, and he cut his phone.
As James Hadley Chase would put it, that is the way the cookie crumbles. The spare parts guy man and his co-conspirators leaked their wounds since there was no cool N100 million to share 50/50. A tear and a laugh for the kidnappers…
At another location in Port Harcourt the kidnappers nabbed a housewife and quickly contacted her husband, asking for N25 million. The husband coolly requested to talk to his wife. The kidnappers obliged the man and put the line on speaker phone.
The husband said the following words to his wife: “Why don’t you nag the kidnappers the way you nag me at home? Give them your tongue the way you curse me at home. Abuse them well-well as only you can abuse me! Meantime, my friends are waiting for me at the tombo bar!” He switched off his phone and after waiting in vain for days on end the kidnappers let the woman go.
A rich man’s son was kidnapped recently in Onitsha, Anambra State. The 15-year-old boy gave the kidnappers the fight of their lives before he could be taken away. The bloody fight left the kidnappers wondering if the boy was a normal human being. It was when they made contact with his father that their worst fears were confirmed.
“We have captured your boy,” the leader of the kidnappers spoke to the boy’s father on phone. “We want N40 million before nightfall!”
“Who told you I want the boy back?” said the father calmly. “I have nothing but thanks for you for taking that evil spirit away from me. But if you want me to have him back, then you may need to pay me N50 million. Otherwise, no deal…”
“What do you mean?” cried the kidnapper.
“My boy is trouble,” said the father evenly. “I know you have put yourselves in soup by tangoing up with him. Do you know my son’s alias?” He paused for effect and then said: “The boy is known as Onyirionwu which means Beyond Death.”
Just as suddenly, the old man started hearing of fighting at the other end and he instantly knew his son was in action. Finally, the bad son got the phone from the kidnappers and called his father thusly: “Pop, I’m having a good time over here. They are running scared!”
When eventually the kidnappers got a bit of their bearing they called the boy’s father: “We want to bring back your boy.”
The father replied them fast: “If you are bringing back that boy, make sure nobody in the neighbourhood sees you or you will all be lynched. They have been thanking God for the disappearance of the boy who was such a menace to all of them. They will not forgive anybody who brings him back alive. A word is enough for…”
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