Very senior officials of the governments of Saudi Arabia, Germany, France, Britain, and the United States recently held a crisis summit with their Nigerian counterparts in Beijing, China. The purpose of the meeting was to amicably resolve disputes that developed over exclusive rights to treat the ailments of Nigerian rulers and ‘top government functionaries’. The summit was initially billed to take place in Abuja but China made such a convincing case to host it that the Nigerians reluctantly agreed to go to Beijing.
Convened by Nigeria’s Federal Ministry of Health and the Health Committees in the Senate and the House of Representatives respectively, the meeting was attended by high-ranking officials from Aso Rock, the National Assembly, select state governments, and top chieftains, elders, and stakeholders from the PDP. At issue was the need to resolve conflicting territorial and proprietary claims to the physical ailments of Nigerian rulers and senior government officials. The feuding countries believe that the ailments of Nigeria’s rulers, whether serious or minor, are Nigeria’s second most valuable export commodity after oil.
googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.display('content1'); });
It will be recalled that France enjoyed a virtual monopoly over the health needs of Nigeria’s rulers in the 1980s after the tyrant, Ibrahim Babangida, went to Paris to treat radiculopathy. With France thus anointed by the dictator, Nigerian government officials, who until then were in the habit of treating their headaches and toothaches in London and New York, had to display their patriotism and loyalty to Babangida and Nigeria by shifting their medical safaris to France. This, obviously, did not go down well with the British and the Americans whose economies were severely affected. Thus commenced a prolonged underground ‘war’ between these countries.
President Obasanjo prevented the situation from boiling over irredeemably when he assumed office in 1999. He achieved some sort of understanding during his first term in office. Since he spent the entire four years ruling Nigeria from the skies, visiting every country that had an airport and, in some cases, offering to build airports for countries that had none in order to be able to visit them, there was no need for him to seek medical treatment in any of the feuding countries. An agreement was reached that allowed each of the Western countries in contention to station a permanent team of medical officials in the Nigerian presidential jet.
This fragile peace was however shattered during Obasanjo’s second term in office. A state governor, Diepreye Alamieyesiegha, needed to reduce the number one consequence of the incurable bacchanalia associated with government officials in Nigeria: the pot belly. Alamsco, as he is popularly called, headed to Germany for a tummy tuck. Hardly had the French Ambassador to Nigeria finished protesting this serious breach of the terms of the agreement when Obasanjo’s Vice President, Atiku Abubakar, had a minor knee dislocation while working out on the treadmill and rushed to London and Washington for treatment. Unfortunately, Obasanjo was involved in a battle to determine who was less corrupt between him and Abubakar and was also stockpiling arms and ammunition in preparation for the do-or-die elections that would see the PDP capture Aso Rock for his anointed successor. He was therefore not in a situation to properly address the grievances of the French government over the disturbing actions of Alamsco and Atiku Abubakar.
googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.display('content2'); });
Enter President Yar’Adua, the chief culprit in the situation that led to the Beijing summit. Without any consideration for the feelings of the Americans, the British, and the French, President Yar’Adua started strolling to Germany every other week for medical treatment. His megaphone, Segun Adeniyi, who once announced gleefully that he was trained by the Americans to communicate effectively with Nigerians, rationalized every trip to Germany. Nigerians, cynical as ever, were overheard saying that a branch of Aso Rock would soon open in Wiesbaden, Germany. President Yar’Adua treated everything from cough to eczema, toothache to backache, and hand ache to leg ache in Germany.
The Americans, the British, and the French were furious that the Nigerian government did not bother to explain why the extremely lucrative market in the treatment of presidential ailments should become the monopoly of the Germans. They feared that every Nigerian minister and state governor would have to display loyalty to the President by shopping for doctors and hospitals in Germany. Then President Yar’Adua suddenly changed direction and migrated to Saudi Arabia, destabilizing the German economy in the process. Germany’s reaction to the Saudi threat was swift. The Saudi Ambassador to Germany was expelled and a bitter diplomatic row ensued between the two countries. The Americans, the British, and the French now had a new reason to join forces with Germany against the Saudis. President Yar’Adua has plenty of oil. When you are fighting a war on terror, you don’t want all that oil going so frequently to Saudi Arabia for medical treatment.
The Beijing summit recorded some success after protracted negotiations. An amicable agreement was reached. The anatomy of the Nigerian government official was mapped and territorially apportioned to each country present. It was decided that the head would go to the Germans. All ailments associated with the head of any Nigerian government official or any big man with connections in the corridors of power are henceforth to be treated exclusively in Germany. This includes popular ailments like headache, toothache, ear infection, sore throat, runny nose, and eye problems. Since they are already treating President Yar’Adua’s kidneys, the Saudis retained monopoly over vital internal organs. They will henceforth exclusively handle the hearts, livers, lungs, intestines, bladders, and kidneys of Nigerian government officials. The French got the torso, much to the displeasure of the Spanish delegation that was there only in an observer capacity. Henceforth, all ailments relating to the torso – chest pain, bellyache, and backache – are to be treated in France. The British got the hands and the legs and were careful to insist that this is not limited to serious injuries like fractures and dislocations. It also includes routine manicure and pedicure. The Americans agreed to give up all claims to any part of the anatomy of Nigerian government officials in exchange for exclusive rights over all cosmetic surgery needs of their wives. Henceforth, the wives of Nigerian government officials must go to California for their tummy tucks, face lift, liposuction, breast enlargement/reduction/lifting, nose jobs, skin toning and/or bleaching, etc.
A memorandum of understanding was presented and signed by all participants. The Nigerian delegation promised to deliver it expeditiously to the Senate where it will be transformed into a bill and sent to President Yar’Adua for ratification. At the end of all deliberations, the head of the German delegation gave a moving closing speech. History, he affirmed, has been made in Beijing. He went down memory lane and recalled that the last time a meeting was held to share African property amicably among Western powers, it was all about land and resources. He remarked proudly that his country had had the extraordinary privilege of convening and hosting the said meeting in Berlin in 1884. Now, more than a hundred years later, it is the anatomy of the rulers of Africa’s most populous nation that has been carved out among not just Western powers but an Arab power. This, he said, reflects the fact that Arabs and Europeans have had a long history of mutually beneficial collaboration with Africa. He added that hosting the meeting in Asia is a reflection of globalization.
The German also opined that the move from the partition of African land and raw materials to the sharing of human anatomy is an indication of how brotherly and intimate the partnership between Africa and the West has become. He particularly stressed the point that Africans were not invited to the first meeting in Berlin. Now, not only were Africans present at this new partitioning, they convened it and took the initiative to let China host it. He concluded by telling the Nigerian delegation that they had every reason to be proud of themselves and hoped that the Nigerian people would learn to appreciate such a crop of dedicated and visionary leaders. In his speech, the leader of the British delegation apologized to the Germans for the arrest of Alamsco. The Germans had always claimed that Alamsco’s arrest was an act of sabotage by the British, pure bad belle on the part of the British who merely wanted to “spoil market” for the Germans because Alamsco had his tummy tuck in Germany and not in Britain. China thanked the gathering for the privilege of hosting the summit and for allowing officials from the Chinese Ministry of Health to attend and take copious notes.
In his vote of thanks, Nigeria’s Minister of Health and head of delegation thanked the Western powers and Saudi Arabia for the selflessness with which they place the excellent medical facilities in their countries at the disposal of Nigerian rulers. What further proof of their commitment to the progress of Nigeria could there be? For it is only when Nigerian rulers enjoy good health that they are able to serve the people, deliver the dividends of democracy, and move the country forward. By continuously treating the ailments of Nigeria’s leaders, these Western countries and Saudi Arabia have shown that they are committed to the progress and development of Nigeria. The people of Nigeria would remain eternally grateful to them.
(*A version of this piece was published when President Yar’Adua first started his medical safaris to Germany. President Yar'Adua has made an updated version necessary*)
googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.display('comments'); });