The dearth of hard news from Saudi Arabia compelled Zero News Network’s (ZNN) news director, Yusuf Yaya, to send me to Jeddah. Here in Jeddah, I am charged with the task of filing breaking news from the Kingdom on our ailing dear leader, President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua.
We arrived here yesterday and have our satellite set up in front of the magnificent King Faisal Specialist Hospital & Research Centre. Kai. If you look behind me, on the sixth floor, you will see the window with the beaming light. That is where our president is recuperating. He has not been watching the English soccer league as was reported by rumor peddles. Instead, the president has been reading the classics, like Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri. Our source said that the president has been fascinated by the line that says, “The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who in time of great moral crisis remain neutral.”
We are also told that the president is reading Homer and Plato and is appreciating the ironies and tragedies of life. When he speaks to the nation (this will happen as soon as the tubes are taken out), he will speak in philosophical terms from the position of wisdom and truth. We understand that he is writing the speech himself. Our source told us that the president found this passage from Usman Dan Fodio’s book THE PURIFICATION OF THE HEART FROM KIBR (Pride) very fascinating: “You own neither your heart nor yourself. You desire something while your destruction may be in it, and you detest something while your life may be in it. You find some foods delicious when they destroy and kill you, and you find remedies repugnant when they help you and save you. You are not safe for a moment, day and night.”
As expected, there are several Nigerian government officials loitering around the lobby of this hospital. They carry around big briefcases and big frowned faces. I asked one what was in the briefcase he was carrying. He told me it was Nigeria’s nuclear codes. We tried to get an interview with these officials but they refused. They do not want to appear on camera. I have been told that they were not happy to see us here because it is now hard for them to lie to Nigerians about what is really going on.
We took a tour of the hospital earlier today. Our Saudi guide asked us to present the hospital to rich Nigerians as a better place to visit when they are sick instead of going to India. This hospital is such a magnificent place to come and be healed. Even those who end up dying here will have a fun memory of our planet earth as they head to the great beyond. I cannot recall seeing any hospital like this in Nigeria; not in Abuja, not in Lagos, and definitely, not in my village.
A few moments ago, I cornered Alhaja Turai Yar’Adua, the dear wife of our dear president, as she rushed up the stairs to see her husband. I had a brief chat with her. Here is the tape.
ZNN: Madam First Lady, how is our dear president doing?
Turai: He is watching the parade of Judas Iscariots and shaking his head.
ZNN: When do we expect him to be discharged?
Turai: Whenever Allah decides.
ZNN: Is he in contact with Abuja?
Turai: Abuja can wait. He is too busy now answering to a higher authority.
ZNN: Answering to you?
Turai: “I don’t mind if I do.”
ZNN: Is he worried that Nigeria is at a standstill because he is sick?
Turai: He is only worried about his heart coming to a standstill.
ZNN: What should Nigerians be doing?
Turai: Praying, as usual.
ZNN: What will history say about today?
Turai: As usual, lies and lies and lies.
ZNN: Madam, please extend our best wishes to the president.
Turai: Sure will.
The First lady has promised to grant us a full interview in the days to come.
While Abuja is abuzz with contingency plans should the worse happen, here in Jeddah, a small group of trusted friends of the president are hatching counter plans. Our source in one of the meetings told us of two unique plans being pursued.
One is to clone the president within the next one year that Senator Ekweremadu said the president is allowed to stay in Jeddah without endangering the presidency. While this plan is not fully worked out, it is being suggested that the clone of the president will then emerge and continue his term. The proponents of this plan believe that is exactly what the Israelis are doing with Ariel Sharon.
The second plan has already kicked in. A nationwide search for Yar’Adu’s lookalike is going on in Nigeria. When one is found, he would be flown to Jeddah where he would be coached on how to play the president. Playing the president requires standing up, sitting down, waving to crowds, shaking hands, reading prepared speeches and knowing how to jump into the ambulance whenever the fainting sensation comes. Supporters of this plan believe it is the most uncontroversial way to deal with the Goodluck dilemma. For those who are not familiar with the term, Goodluck dilemma is a term used to describe the challenge of easing out the Vice President from the succession line without shedding blood or placing the PDP’s constitution above the Nigerian constitution.
Meanwhile, more groups are taking up pages of newspapers to wish the president a quick recovery. Beyond the usual political jobbers, there are groups like the Nigerians Abroad who took out a page in the Daily Moon to apologize and disassociate themselves from one of their own who wrote an obituary of the president. They called the author a man with bad family upbringing. This group’s ad, as you can see in this copy of the Daily Moon, is on top of another curious ad by a group that called itself an Amalgamated Association of Indian and Asian Prostitutes. In their advertisement, they suggested that it is about time Nigeria gets a leader who can perform.
In unrelated news, while we cannot yet bring you exclusives on the health of the president, we do have other breaking news to report. A top Aso Rocks official is currently cooling off in the office of the vice police here in Jeddah. The man, known for his Tiger Woods kind of lifestyle, was picked up while he was romancing a woman of easy virtue in his rented car at the parking lot behind the hospital. We are withholding his identity at the request of the Nigerian Ambassador to Saudi Arabia. We understand that the dashing man aggravated his situation by offering bribe to the vice police. Please stay tune for more on that breaking news. We have pictures of the two in a compromising position and will be showing it in future broadcasts.
Until next time, this is Dr. Damages reporting from Jeddah. Over to you, John Momoh.
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