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The Lonely Charlatans By Pius Adesanmi

December 17, 2010

To the accompaniment of Akon’s “Lonely”

“Hello, hello, hello... ah, this call is not going through. Maybe the network is bad in Abeokuta... hello, hello, hello, ehen, it is ringing now.”


To the accompaniment of Akon’s “Lonely”

“Hello, hello, hello... ah, this call is not going through. Maybe the network is bad in Abeokuta... hello, hello, hello, ehen, it is ringing now.”

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“Hello, who is speaking please?”

“Hello... line yen o clear dada... hello, is that my brother, His Excellency Ogidi Omo?”

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“Yes, this is His Excellency OGD. Who is this please?”

“Ah, don’t you recognize my voice? This is me, My Excellency Oyato. I’m calling from Ibadan.”

“Ah!!! Your Excellency my brother! Oyato fun ra e! O ma t’ojo meta. So nice to hear from you. Did you say you were calling from Ibadan? I thought you were taking a few days off to rest in Ogbomoso?”

“Ah, rest ke? Ogbomoso ko, Alimosho ni. How can you even talk about rest with all the yanpon yanrin that is happening to us?”

“Your Excellency, take it easy. What seems to be the problem?”

“Ogidi omo my brother, are you an Oyo man? What is this amoran bini Oyo business? Why ask me questions when you and I are in the same boat and you know that we should be looking for ways to re-bury the corpse.”

“Brother Oyato, re-bury the corpse? Which corpse?”

“Yes, brother OGD, the corpse that our great party buried in the dead of night in the southwest now has its two legs exposed in broad daylight. We must cover the exposed legs with fresh sand quick quick before further damage is done.”

“Brother Oyato, you speak in riddles.”

“Brother OGD, all I’m saying is that water has filtered into the snail’s mouth from the rear and we must do something about it.”

“Brother Oyato, I say you speak in proverbs. E tu mi nle.”

“Hmm, brother OGD, I am not the one speaking in proverbs o. It is political death that is addressing both of us in proverbs. Political death snarls at us in riddles.”

“Political death? How so my brother?”

“Political death roamed the land and knocked on Professor Osunbor’s door in Benin. The man said, “Not I”, but death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut. Political death knocked on Segun Agagu’s door in Akure. The man said, “Not I”, but death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut. Political death knocked on Segun Oni’s door in Ado Ekiti. The man said, “Not I”, but death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut. Political death knocked on Olagunsoye Oyinlola’s door in Osogbo. The man said, “Not I”, but death spat on entreaties of money and kolanut. And when our elders in Abeokuta and Ogbomoso sat down and saw what we couldn’t see standing, they exclaimed: hun, hun, hun, when political death claims your neighbours and kinsmen, children, listen very carefully for you must know him when the husband of arun speaks to you in proverbs. OGD, iku to p’ojuba eni, owe l’on pa fun ni. I don’t like what is happening all around us at all. It’s getting quite lonely around here.”

“Ah, my broda Oyato, I didn’t realise you were talking about these tragic developments in the southwest. I’ve been thinking about it too. Oro na o tie ye mi rara”.

“Thinking? My brother OGD, did you say you have been thinking? Well, thinking is a luxury you can afford in Abeokuta because you have eaten for almost eight years now. Here in Ibadan, I am just about to eat for only four years and this Asiwaju man in Lagos is ruining everything for us.”

“Ah, my broda, who told you that I am satisfied with just eight years? Nkan eni ki di pupo ka binu. My brother, I have worked very hard to put a formidable structure in place so that one of my boys could take over for the next eight years and guarantee the eating. So, I am as worried as you are by these negative developments in Yoruba land.”

“Now you are talking. I wasn’t even thinking of ordinary eight years in my case. Chief Vincent Ogbulafor assured us of sixty years. I sort of hoped that my grandchildren would be eating long after my body would have embraced its wrapper of sand. The most painful part is the behaviour of Baba in Ota. Instead of taking steps to address this ugly situation in Yoruba land, the man is busy laughing at Atiku. Our house is crumbling here in the West and the man is laughing o. Only God knows what the airport beating he got recently did to him. Baba is fumbling big time o. Iyen na ni Fayose fi ri won fin.”

“My broda, Baba’s case is even better. What about the fedora man in Abuja? What has he done for us? I mean, your party is losing an entire region to a tribunal revolution and you are grinning in Abuja and attempting to buy non-buyable trouble makers with $50,000. I never knew that I would see the day when our great party would be led by an incompetent briber.”

“Don’t mind him. As if he doesn’t know how you have solved the problem of non-buyable trouble makers in Ogun in the last 8 years. Anyway, he is not an incompetent briber when he is directly affected o. He knows how to sell houses in Abuja to buy the leadership of the National Assembly or distribute any excess from the Federation account to buy our governors’ forum.”

“I am not even saying that armed robbers should attack and accidentally kill non-buyable trouble makers at the federal level. I am not sure he has what it takes to use the Dagger and Dart Direct method. But he could have done something about Ekiti and Osun all the same. He could have seconded Justice Ogebe temporarily to those tribunals on national assignment. That respected Supreme Court judge at least hears and speaks the language of our great party.”

“So, my broda, how do we find a joint solution to this problem? Here in Ibadan, I am rebuilding Tokyo’s and Baba Adedibu’s old structures to deal with that Asiwaju man. I am also considering banning those small boys, Mimiko, Fayemi, and Aregbesola, from ever passing through Ibadan. Awon alakori to fe gbaje l’enu wa.”

“Broda Oyato, I think we should find some work for the Asiwaju before we deal with his boys. Maybe we should try to revamp that little University of Chicago certificate matter? Chief Gani Fawehinmi was looking into it but the man rented an aso ebi mob to sing “yio sh’agolo d’Ondo” and harass the respected Chief in the streets of Lagos. Maybe we could encourage Farida Waziri to pick up from where Chief Fawehinmi stopped? The case was never tidily concluded. Luckily for us, Farida Waziri is very encourageable in these matters.”

“Wonderful! This is why I like you, broda OGD! Elo ni?”

“Elo ni what?”

“Elo ni Waziri?”

“Oh, Waziri o won pupo ju. She is very affordable. One customized Mercedes Benz jeep should do it. If she does a good job and gives Asiwaju the sort of wahala ton pa lekun, we could add jara to it for her. Maybe a plot of land here in Abeokuta or Ibadan. We could get Julius Berger to develop it for her.”

“Good idea. You get the jeep. I will find her a plot of land here in Ibadan. What about that Yoruba boy who works for her, the noisemaker, Babafemi abi ki lo l’oun nje na?”

“Femi Babafemi.”

“Eehn o, Femi Babafemi. Se boy yen m’owo we?”

“When you look at that boy’s mouth, you know that he must know how to wash his hands properly.”

“In that case, we can invite him to eat with elders. A le ba oun na d’ogbon si.

I’m sure he’s a good boy.”

“With Waziri and Babafemi unleashed, Asiwaju ru ‘gi oyin!”

“I feel better already! Who says egbinrin ote does not pay? Now, OGD, what about these foolish boys all around us? Already, Fayemi, Mimiko, and Aregbesola are holding meetings and talking about Awolowo’s programmes. If they go and level up their states with Lagos and Edo, they will embarrass the two of us o. Asiri wa a tu o.”

“Broda Oyato, you are right! I miss Uncle Tony Anenih, Uncle Bode George, and Uncle Ahmadu Ali. Mo j’eri won! If only this clueless fedora man would recycle and bring them back into the game, they would know how to recapture the southwest.”

“Maybe we should organize a little operation wetie here and there in Ondo, Ekiti, and Osun. If they are busy with riots and violence, they won’t have time for development. Let’s keep them busy with ai r’oju ai r’aye. What do you think?”

“Shhhhhhh, broda Oyato, stop talking like this on the phone!!! E fe ko ba wa ni? You will get us into trouble o. Those are strategies we should meet and discuss behind closed doors.”

“But we are safe now. Nobody can hear us”

“Brother Oyato, ever heard of Wikileaks?”

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