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Perceptor:Dame Patience Goodluck’s Grammar, Boko Haram And Ex-President Olusegun Obasanjo’s Laugh

January 16, 2011

“By doubting we come to question, and by questioning, we perceive the truth.”
(Peter Abelard, 1079-1142)

“By doubting we come to question, and by questioning, we perceive the truth.”
(Peter Abelard, 1079-1142)

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Some Things Perceptor Is Afraid Of

OK, OK, OK.  The secret is out.  Perceptor, like certain former (and possibly forgotten and irrelevant) former military dictators, is … er, not very brave.  A lily-livered yellow-backed coward in fact.  Indeed, gentle reader, is that not why all that you know of Perceptor is the soubriquet Perceptor?

It might seem odd therefore, that it is at this very time that Perceptor chooses to make a re-appearance.  This time?  What time  you ask?  Why, the time when simply saying or writing what you like looks as though it was becoming a very risky business.

The first straw that Perceptor noticed in the wind was when two fellows were arrested and actually LOCKED UP just because they happened to mention (in several full-page paid newspaper advertisements) that the Chairman of a major publicly-quoted-on-the-stock-exchange oil marketing company might be milking the said oil company by pumping up the prices of items that were being supplied by another company of which he just happened to also be the Chairman …  Criminal libel!  For an ordinary private citizen!

Then there was the threat by the Federal Attorney-General that he was going to charge people to court just because they said that each of the six governors in charge of President Goodluck Jonathan’s election campaign has contributed N500 million to the campaign fund.  And also prosecute everybody who published the story, in print, on the air, or … online …

(Perceptor can’t imagine what could have been in the minds of the mischievous people who dreamed up the N3 billion story.  Although Perceptor is already actually fed up to the back teeth with seeing pictures of Jonathan and Vice-President Namadi Sambo everywhere, Perceptor – naïve Perceptor did you say? – just assumed that these were placed by grateful, appreciative but independent admirers …)

Then to cap it all, the arrest of Professor Okey Ndibe at Lagos airport for being on an SSS list.  A secret SSS list.  Perceptor thinks we can all agree that a secret SSS list is NOT FAIR!  Even though Professor Ndibe was released and had all his passports returned to him because he is famous and intellectual and all that, he also writes a column and Perceptor has seen his writings on this very Sahara Reporters website!!!

  So you can imagine that for a person of Perceptor’s nervous disposition, the whole idea of a secret list is BAD NEWS.  Perceptor can’t work out whether the secret list means that the SSS is so jobless that it has time to be making lists of famous Professors (and columnists), or whether it is too busy to go through its list of famous Professors (and columnists) and bring it up to date, but even if the list is only at Lagos airport and Perceptor doesn’t plan to leave Naija any time soon (and will be wearing Perceptor’s lucky Sahara Reporters if Perceptor does), the danger of writing things has made Perceptor so terrified that Perceptor has quite forgotten to remember any of the things that Perceptor would normally have been asking questions about.  Instead, Perceptor needs to let you know a couple of the other things that are making Perceptor afraid

 

1.    Ex-President Olusegun Obasanjo’s Laugh
Of course, Perceptor isn’t a former Vice-President, because if it had been Perceptor who learned that ex-President Obasanjo’s reaction to my nomination as the consensus candidate to face an incumbent President (even if he is a former  Vice President just like me) was (and Perceptor quotes): “I dey laugh”, Perceptor would have just quit right there and then!  Former Vice Presidents are obviously made of sterner stuff.  If only Perceptor could be like them.  Perhaps if someone would donate N3 billion to Perceptor’s fund, or if Perceptor had $40 million spare cash to send somewhere … yes, that is bound to stiffen Perceptor’s backbone.  But in the absence of such …

2.    Dame Patience Goodluck’s Grammar
You will ask, gentle reader, what there can possibly be to fear in the First Lady’s grammar.  Agreed that it is … er, inventive, but so what?  Only a person who has forgotten the trend-setting effect of Naija (yes, Naija!  St. Dora doesn’t stick to what she says, so why should Perceptor?) Naija First Ladies could ask that question!  There was Maryam Babangida who turned every petty official’s wife into a First Lady.  Then Stella Obasanjo with her skirt suits.  Before you could say ‘Jack Robinson’ every woman in the country was sewing up-and-down!  You will say that Turai did not set any trend, but that was only because although Naija men agreed to go-slow, they refused to co-operate by becoming invisible.  Or dying.  So what Perceptor is afraid of is: What will happen to Perceptor if Dame Patience’s husband actually wins an election and everybody has to start copying her?  Naija women can copy those horrid headties if they like, but where will Perceptor be if we all have to start using creative grammar?

3.    Boko Haram

Yes, even though Perceptor is obviously, prudently and cowardlily giving Maiduguri and Bauchi and even Abuja as much of a miss as possible due to rampaging fanatics and exploding bombs, Perceptor is obviously frightened of Boko Haram.  Well somebody in this country has got to be frightened of them, and it obviously isn’t the Okey-Ndibe-hunting State Security Service.  So Perceptor has decided to stand in the breach.  Perceptor would have taken time to be frightened about the Niger-Delta militants, but … well, they have friends in high places …


Primaries: Demands for Investigation Grow

Demands were growing yesterday for an independent inquiry after it emerged that the presidential, gubernatorial and legislative candidates of several political parties were chosen as candidates after horse-trading and political deal-making.  Said one traumatised party delegate: “I am shocked and disgusted to learn that people have been making deals and reaching agreements about the selection of our candidate.  Even though I am here as a delegate because my Governor told everybody that I would be a delegate, I thought that everything in my party was done openly and transparently.”  A shocked and disgusted delegate said: “Having been careful to collect a large sum in United States Dollars from all the leading candidates, I had intended to ‘vote my conscience’.  I was therefore shocked and disgusted to learn that I ended up voting for the candidate who gave me the most money exactly as ordered by my state Governor.  I was so shocked and disgusted that I ended up misplacing the envelope where I kept the money.  I therefore demand an enquiry.  I demand to know where my money is.  I demand to know whether I can get a replacement.”

Mr. Horse expressed his shock and disgust, saying: “I’ve neighver been so traded in all my life, neighhhh”.

Another delegate expressed his shock and disgust that all the candidates in his own party kept on withdrawing for people endorsed by the party’s alleged godfather.  He demanded to know whether this meant that there would be no envelopes for voting for the candidates who were going to win in any case and proposed …”  (Continued on page 2011)
 

On other pages:
•    Pope revealed as a Roman Catholic.  Said one worshiper:“I always knew that he was a Catholic, but Roman?  I thought he was a German?
•    In depth inquiry reveals the preferences of large hairy mammals with claws regarding the evacuation of digestive waste.
 

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Atiku Abubakar – An Apology
In recent months, Perceptor, in common with every other political commentator, may have given the impression that former Vice President Atiku Abubakar was a serious contender for the position of President of the Federal Republic of Nigeria, and that as the first step towards achieving this goal, he was undoubtedly bound to sweep away all opposition on his triumphant march to victory in April 2011.  It may even have been suggested that due to the numerical superiority of Northern delegates at the PDP Congress, Atiku didn’t even need to bother campaigning because he was bound to win.
   

Perceptor now realises that in fact Atiku Abubakar is a hopeless loser who never had any chance of winning election even for local dog-catcher due to his shifting party loyalties, his dubious reputation, his selfish nature illustrated by his refusal to share $40 million with anybody but his own wife (and not … well, Perceptor was here), his failure to amass a non-existent N3 billion campaign fund and distribute it wisely, his failure to have leading columnists (such as,  … ahem, … well, Perceptor was here) write 100 part series on his Vice-Presidency which short-sightedness alone proves that he is not fit to rule Nigeria.  Any disappointment is inevitable.

Breaking News – Mass Suicide at Eko Bridge

Hundreds of Nigerians have thrown themselves off the Eko Bridge.  Shocked officials mounted a barricade to prevent a huge crowd of thousands more who were heading for the bridge, apparently determined to also throw themselves into the Lagos Lagoon.  Matters reached a crisis as authorities were almost overwhelmed when some of the group denied access to Eko Bridge turned and headed for Carter Bridge with the intention of throwing themselves into the Lagoon from that bridge.  Our reporter was able to speak with some of those detained by men of the Nigeria Police Force at the Iddo Police Station where all of them insisted that they too were determined to make a sacrifice to ensure the success of the 2011 elections.

When it was pointed out to them that their so-called sacrifice had nothing to do with the elections and was quite meaningless, the stubborn would-be suicides explained that they had understood that apparently meaningless sacrifices were being demanded of all Nigerians to ensure the success of the voter registration exercise, and that since they did not have any private schools to close down, and were no longer of school age themselves, they had decided that the most meaningless thing they could do in support of the elections was to pointlessly kill themselves in order to ensure the success of the voter … (Cont’d on page 2011)

In the Spirit of Aunty Dora

This section has been discontinued, disillusioned and disgusted.

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