Contender Pat Utomi: Justice Ayo Isa Salami of Appeal Court should be made to head an independent probe panel aimed at investigating how President Jonathan got his PhD. Said presidential hopeful Pat Utomi after stepping on the Debate podium with the vexation of hurricane Katrina.
Contender Pat Utomi: Justice Ayo Isa Salami of Appeal Court should be made to head an independent probe panel aimed at investigating how President Jonathan got his PhD. Said presidential hopeful Pat Utomi after stepping on the Debate podium with the vexation of hurricane Katrina.
Jonathan is the most underperforming, uninspiring, un-innovative and unproductive PhD holder I’ve seen all my life added Utomi. Jonathan is a living witness to the collapse of our education system Utomi said further to the amazement of the Debate audience. Utomi has readied a proposal to Senate aimed at making sure that henceforward all presidential hopefuls should be made to undergo an ‘Idiot Test.’ An Idiot Test will help in stopping stupid and moronic contender from making Aso Rock. Owning a PhD certificate and whatnot is one thing – to perform and stay away from corruption as the president of Nigeria is another thing altogether. Anyone can present a certain Toronto, Disney Wonderland PhD certificate to be an officeholder in Nigeria yet he might be a very functional illiterate or outright idiot. Jonathan has not impressed Utomi that he merited the tall certificate he parades on daily basis since he came to office. The president has not shown independence, brilliance, leadership character, focus, gut, and excellence to match the billing of a PhD holder. Nigeria would be ruined beyond description if you give Jonathan another four years toing and froing with our destinies with no fix direction to steer Nigeria. Vote for me! I’m most qualified Utomi announced with a loud shout that quaked the Debate hall.
Pat Utomi pointed at President Jonathan where he is seated and told him that now that he has sent Niger Delta militants to Ghana to learn hand work. It’s high time Jonathan starts sending PDP governors and their other persons to Ghana to learn how to accept defeat as ruling party. The opposition won the last general election in Ghana while the then ruling party sportily accepted defeat. PDP has already lost this April 2011nelections en masse Utomi harped on with the prescience of omnipotent God. The earlier PDP residents start shipping to Ghana to learn how to take defeats this April with modesty, the better for PDP tribesmen and Nigeria said Utomi as he ended his debate due to time factor. Just as he was leaving the podium, he remembers not lampooning Jonathan for calling ACN governors and leaders ‘rascals.’ He’s now very convinced that taking an Idiot Test would prevent lowlife and mediocre from towering leadership positions in the future.
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Contender Ribadu: President Jonathan is a dull novice in foreign policy. Ribadu said with the exactness of empirical science. If you want Bushman, local champion president: vote for Jonathan but if wish for an international relations guru vote for me. Ribadu said further with the infallibility of the living God.
Jonathan is so out of touch on how International Order works that he could not tell Foreign Relations Council in the USA what Nigeria’s foreign relation policy is when asked on his last visit to Obama. Is this the person Nigerians needs in the 21st century to be their president? Hell no! He answered his hypothetical question by himself as the audience cheered him on.
Vote for me! I’m the most world-wise amid my co-presidential hopefuls. My exile abroad has opened my eyes to the Yin and Yan of the working of Internal Order and exposed me to those who move and shake this planet on behalf of humankind. Ribadu said with the gut of international relations finest.
I am not a makeshift; I set the pace as a well acclaimed international player while my peer contenders copy my ‘swagger’. Jonathan's last misconducting outing while visiting Obama irritated Ribadu wholesome. He felt injured that Jonathan bastardised protocol sitting as a labouring pregnant woman with legs stretched apart. No world-wise person or leader would sit like that, officially. He thought. That Jonathan was already a minus from the presidential race.
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Jonathan could vie as the president of Kalahari Bushmen community and not Nigeria, Ribadu thought inwardly without betraying personal emotion. True, Ribadu is most qualified if the election were about who has more international ‘swagger’ or acceptability.
“... More money we come upon, more trouble we see ...” was written on the trendy T-shirt Ribadu wore to the presidential Debate Forum – under his T-Shirt, was embossed the full picture of late hip hop singer Notorious B.I.G.
Ribadus’ creative and youthful sense of fashion unsettles some Debate participants who indicted him for under-dressing. Native attire or coat and tie could’ve done, they thought. A young woman fancied Ribadu’s sex appeal notwithstanding as she was seen whispering to her seated woman-friend – saying to her: “Ribadu is hotter than pepper in that T-shirt, don’t you think so?” Her friend a fulltime married housewife refuses to be dragged into any kind of flirtation. It’s immoral and forbidden for Nigerian women to flirt however. In Europe and USA, it’s an all-comer business.
Ribadu will come down seriously on corruption and those who deal on it. He told the Forum. He has met with former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani before in the famous Hotel California in an international conference slated to check global corruption and drag corrupt leaders to International Court. First of all, Giuliani had told him, sacks EFCC ace women Farida Waziri and his ICPC champion if you happen to be president. But Ribadu preferred collapsing both institution and strengthening the police to take up their functions. Thus money could be saved and working at cross-purposes plus duplication of function avoided. Both institutions are a drag and parasites on Nigeria’s body politic; they feed and hurt same society they should be protecting from fraud.
Contender Jonathan: Don’t tell me you’ve not read on Leadership Newspaper of 6th February this year that Buhari’s running mate Bakare, has said he is in the race for the interest of the South West people alone!? President Jonathan said pointedly, exaggerating a bit for posterity. Tell me, how are Bakare and his CPC different from Ciroma and his Northern zoning cohorts who see leadership as a means for tribal, sectional and parochial interests? He asked and at the same time said: Nigeria must outgrow politics of selfishness and voting against the Bakares of Nigeria is clarion call. Jonathan added. Nigerians know Jonathan too well about saying the right thing but not walking it up. And, with dirty characters and crooks surrounding Jonathan, the Debate audience were of one mind that the president is endangered specie that’ll vanish from Aso Rock this April via popular votes against him and his party. True, progressives have been outraged by Pastor Tunde Bakares’ claim that he’d be forwarding Southwest politics as criterion – a catalyst for primitive and low politics that has raced Nigeria to the bottom since 1999. Debate participant were unanimous in calling for Bakare to eat his word and do amends before damaging the good reputation he has built for himself these years. Jonathan’s preachment made many in the audience sentimental that some have started thinking of Bakare as a ‘theological conservative’ but, only as a creeping or passing remark. Not that anyone there sees Bakare as a fraud, far from it.
Just as Jonathan started cursing the ‘gang-up’ against his presidential ambition that has the hands of ‘God’ to it, there was bomb scare! Boko Harem people, it was rumoured had mined the Debate hall the previous night with explosives in a duet with Niger Delta militants.
Nigeria is too dangerous nowadays – that we fear terror would overpower this coming election. The moderator said in mourning mood, as he urged everyone to evacuate the Debate arena. Bye all! He hurried away for his personal safety.
Sunday Njokede writes from The European Union
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