Where Is That Bastard?

“Where is the bastard? I say where is that bastard?”

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“Baba, baba, baba, take it easy now. Bastard wo l’en wa kiri sir? We are in a church for thanksgiving o.”

“Church my foot! If not for Olagunsoye Oyinlola who has been thanking God per second per second since he left office in Osogbo, I wouldn’t be here in Okuku to risk being insulted by that boy a second time. The last time Oyinlola thanked God for a successful tenure of office, that bastard boy came here to abuse me.”
“Baba, e ni suru sir.”

“No, mi o le ni suru rara at all. I’m in no mood to dey kampe today. Now that we are here again to thank God for Oyinlola at sixty, that bastard may barge in at any time and disgrace me again. Imagine that boy calling me names the other time. I wonder who gave him pounded yam and told him that egusi soup was a cakewalk.”

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“But Baba…”

“Don’t but me any buts my friend. Do I look like I dey laugh to you? If I don’t deal with that boy once and for all today, he may be rude to me if Oyinlola invites us here again next week to thank God for his senatorial ambition.”

“Baba, stop worrying about him for God’s sake. He is not here. He is running for the Senate and is busy campaigning in Ekiti.”

“Is that not part of the nonsense that we are talking about in this country? We are planning to send all of our outgoing PDP governors to the retired governors’ pension home that is the Senate and that bastard is trying to do the same thing in the Labour Party. Can you imagine a boy who called me a father of bastards planning to retire to the Senate in this country?”

“Baba, please stop worrying about that Ekiti rascal. Even if he wins, he will not get to Abuja. Se b’awa ni. Let’s worry about the Emperor of Oke Mosan who is thumbing his nose at you in Otta.”

“See me o. That is how this country treats elder statesmen. Emi si Gbenga! Because he has a richer wardrobe than his elders, he now imagines he also has more rags than his elders. I will teach that boy a lesson he will never forget. Good thing Oyinlola did not invite him here today.”

“Shhhh, Baba, the Pastor is looking at us o. Let’s listen to the sermon…”

My brothers and sisters, distinguished chieftains, stakeholders, and elder statesmen of the PDP gathered to celebrate and felicitate with our brother, His Excellency General Chief Olagunsoye Oyinlola, on the occasion of his 60th birthday, you are most welcome to our church. I say unto you all: nothing happens by accident. Everything is of God and has been pre-ordained by Him.

God pre-ordained things and that is why you conquered this nation and captured power in 1999, 2003, and 2007. I tell you, nobody shall dispossess you of your possession in 2011 for I saw your dominion over this nation spread till eternity in a vision. For it is written in the book of Deuteronomy 7:  When the LORD thy God shall bring thee into the land whither thou goest to possess it, and hath cast out many nations before thee, the Hittites, and the Girgashites, and the Amorites, and the Canaanites, and the Perizzites, and the Hivites, and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and mightier than thou;
 

And when the LORD thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant with them, nor shew mercy unto them:

 Neither shalt thou make marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son.
 For they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled against you, and destroy thee suddenly.
 

But thus shall ye deal with them; ye shall destroy their altars, and break down their images, and cut down their groves, and burn their graven images with fire.
 For thou art a holy people unto the LORD thy God: the LORD thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth.

Distinguished chieftains, stakeholders, and elder statesmen of the PDP, even as it happened  unto the chosen ancients in the Bible, I command it today that so shall you smite and vanquish the ACN, the ACPN, the Labour Party, the CPC, and all the other enemies of your sixty-year inheritance in 2011…”

“This is a good Pastor o. He is talking a lot of sense. Where did Oyinlola rent him? We need to do something for this church. How much seed should we sow during offering?”

“Ten million naira should be enough, Baba.”

“Ok, I will do it but remind me to collect my money from the PDP national secretariat o. I am not sowing the seed in my private capacity o. Anyway, we were talking about Gbenga…”

“Yes o, Baba, since all these small small boys with a little change in their pockets are challenging us and rocking the boat left, right, and centre, what are you our elders doing about it in the Board of Trustees? Since Jonathan is always doing sme sme, I don’t think you should entrust him with our do or die strategy as we approach April o.”

“Who will trust that woman with do or die? He has messed up every do or die assignment thus far.”

“Baba, which woman are you talking about?”

“Goodluck Jonathan of course. Didn’t you just say he is always doing sme sme like a woman? Ordinary to transfer and neutralize Justice Ayo Salami of the Court of Appeal, Jonathan and Katsina-Alu have bungled that vital anticipatory do or die strategy of ours. We have the Supreme Court firmly in our pockets because Katsina-Alu and Ogebe are our boys but that Ayo Salami won’t let us have the Court of Appeal.”

“Baba, knowing Jonathan and his sme sme, the BOT should not have entrusted him with that delicate assignment.”

“I didn’t want to give that assignment to Jonathan but Andy Uba, Chris Uba, Ahmadu Ali, Tony Anenih, and other party elders persuaded me to let the president look presidential by appearing to be in charge of things. We told him that Ayo Salami needs to go if we are to secure a landslide of judicial victories after April. He handed that delicate assignment over to Katsina-Alu and see what they have done.”

“What would you have done, Baba?”

“I would have gotten my friend, Ban Ki Moon, to find him something at the International Court of Justice in The Hague. An important UN position that the stubborn judge would not have been able to resist because that would translate to Nigeria losing that slot at the international level. I have asked Jonathan to look into that possibility since the promotion to the Supreme Court option has blown up in our faces.”

“Baba, move closer and let me whisper an idea into your ears… what about…em … em… I mean what about the Esa Oke protocol? We are still the PDP, aren’t we? Our anticipated landslide victories will never be safe after April so long as that Ayo Salami is allowed to hang around o. My only fear is that if we use the Esa Oke protocol, that restless Professor who wears a white mane will go about calling us a nest of killers.”

“Is that why you are whispering? This is a family gathering. Babangida is here. Alao Akala is here. Segun Oni is here. Segun Agagu is here. That Ekiti bastard is not here. Only our inner caucus people are here. There is nothing we cannot discuss openly in Oyinlola’s sakani.”

“Baba, the wall has ears.”

“What is the world coming to? You are throwing proverbs around in front of an elder without permission. Is that how you were raised?”

“Apologies, Baba. Ah, the Pastor is looking our way again. I think we are talking too loud. Let’s join the hymn.”

Count your blessings name them one by one
Count your blessings see what God hath done
Count your many blessings
Name them one by one
And it will surprise you what the lord hath done

“Baba, as I was saying, we cannot talk with the full complement of our mouths here because the wall has ears. Baba, this place is infiltrated by the ears of the Asiwaju o.”

“Ehn, Asiwaju ke?”

“Yes, there are suspicious elements in this church. Asiwaju will go to any length to infiltrate a gathering like this.”

“This Oyinlola has gone soft o. How can he allow Asiwaju’s ears to infiltrate this space? Are you sure that Kayode Fayemi, Raji Fashola, and even Rauf Aregbesola are not here?”

“Haba Baba!”

“That is why I was looking for that bastard Ekiti boy. If only he had come here today. I came prepared for him.”

“Baba, this Pastor will drive us out of his church today o. He is frowning at us again. Let’s listen a little.”

…in conclusion of my ministration today brothers and sisters, let us all rise up and say in unison to our dear brother, His Excellency General Chief Olagunsoye Oyinlola, even as he places his new political direction in the hands of the most high at sixty, let us all say to him along with the prophet Isaiah: 

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you.  See, darkness covers the earth and thick darkness is over the peoples, but the LORD rises upon you and his glory appears over you…

“Remind me to recommend this Pastor to Jonathan as the next chaplain of the Aso Rock chapel. He is a man of God in whom I am well pleased. He knows what to say.”

“Okay Baba, I will remind you. As I was saying, forget the Ekiti rascal. He is not here. Only his wife came to represent him.”

“Ehn, iwo omode yi, what did you just say?”

“Oh, Baba, I said that his wife is here.”

“At this thanksgiving service?”

“Yes, Baba.”

“Why didn’t you say so! And we have been here talking politics and Jonathan and Ayo Salami. I will never understand you boys of nowadays. Always leaving the best wine until past the midnight hour.”

“Em, Baba, I don’t understand why you are getting so excited o.”

“Didn’t you just say that the woman is here alone?”

“Yes, Baba, she is here to represent her husband. I think Oyinlola asked the Ekiti rascal to stay away out of respect for you so he sent his wife to represent him.”

“And she came here alone? All by herself?”

“Yes, Baba.”

“Lovely. Wonderful.”

“Baba, I don’t understand.”

“No, my son, you don’t understand.”

“Baba, I hope it is not what I’m thinking. Why must you think that every woman’s destiny is under your loins? Even Femi Fani-Kayode said that Saminu Turaki and co were supplying…”

“You see now? In the end, you are no different from that Ekiti boy who insulted me. You dare to open your rotten mouth and talk about my loins.”

“Baba, I’m just saying that you should control it and not think that every woman, married or unmarried, is...”

“You are a bastard.”

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