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50 Reasons why PDP’s Goodluck Jonathan Is NOT A Shoo-In (Part One)

We’re six to seven weeks out but the “so good” has a long ways to catch up with the “so far.” 

We’re six to seven weeks out but the “so good” has a long ways to catch up with the “so far.” 

The far-away Greeny field tendered by Professor Jega Jega and his team is living up to its proverbial billing: the perception outstrips the reality of the field’s greenery. It seems, the more things change, the more they remain the same. Don’t know why, but if my olfactory gland is functioning normally, this Wondering Mind smells old wine in new bottles. Even the brave Prof is priming us not to raise our expectations too high. There are standards, and then there are standards. Old habits die hard, you know.

But for all those singing the blues regarding the senseless things we are addicted to doing to ourselves like yours truly, here are a few points to brighten the day (ruin the day if you belong to a certain team.) Someone said “laughter is the best medicine.” Cheerio!

1.    Even a cat with nine lives runs out of good luck when it fails to make use of an endless string of opportunities thrown at it.

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2.    An excited six years old daughter of a cabinet Minister asked president Jonathan at a campaign rally if he’d be kind enough to take her along to see the mighty project call “Nigerians Know What We’ve Done” because it’s the uniform answer to all queries regarding Jonathan’s accomplishment in office since taking over as substantive president. Jonathan is still trying to figure an appropriate photo-op site to take the little girl, whose Smile-Draining question was picked up by an open microphone on a dais nearby. 

3.    Pinky Love, the famous psychic giant squid in Yenogoa keeps hugging Nuhu Ribadu’s symbol each time the presidential candidates’ party insignia are dropped in its tank, even though Jonathan’s top supporter in the State owns it. (Breaking News: The owner of Pinky Love is threatening to kill the famous psychic giant squid, and roast it as supper for Jonathan’s supporters if their man looses the April poll.)

4.    The geriatric Raging bull name Mathew Aremu who is only a born-again Christian from the waist up, not the waist down, ehemm, is planning such an All-Goes party to celebrate Jonathan’s certain selection – eh, eh, election, that his own fellow cultists are freaked-out.

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5.    A cotton-white turbaned Alhaji Atiku Abubacar has just been sighted in Cairo having signed up for a three weeks crash course in Autocrat-Dethroning at Pharaoh University in Egypt.

6.    Jonathan is defying his expert occultist’s advice to stay clear of James Ibori because the man’s bad karma outweighs Jonathan’s own good-luck karma.

7.    In reply to Jonathan’s question as to whether he can use the army to restore “order,” the lawyerly president Obama said “the army’s sole role is to protect the country from foreign aggression and to maintain its territorial integrity.”

8.    Despite Jonathan’s suggestion, Obama does not think either Twitter, SaharaReporters, or Wilileaks qualify as “foreign aggressors” in spite of the fact that most of their nosy agents operate from foreign shores.

9.    Any one of the one thousand holders of the most important IOUs Jonathan issued could decide to try and cash their check before his selection – eh, eh, election.

10.    Madam Patience Jonathan is running out of patience playing ordinary housewife – especially as her Lebanese jewelry merchant has been calling her relentlessly about the bargain that could be had, now that the Arab knows his former Number One client Leila Ben Ali, is gone AWOL.

11.    The Northern Alliance is so incensed that he mispronounced Ranke Dede “Rankay Daddy” they vowed to ensure he only gets no more than 10% of the North’s votes, despite his Non-Refundable N400 Billion down payment to the Mallam Brotherhood.

12.    When asked recently what he “really” thought of Jonathan’s chances in the elections, the self-crowned chief of the Northern Guard, the Master of all Dribblers, the Man of the Hilltop, flashed his famous front window and pointing to his heart, winked mischievously and quipped: “my friend, Nigerians have been unfair and ungrateful to me and my family despite all the wonderful things we’ve done for them, but just wait and see what’ll happen.”

13.    Two Big Oil operators have suggested to Jonathan that they are in possession of “interesting” information on him and a “very special friend” cabinet member, and will release the damaging information to Wikileaks if Jonathan does not shelf the proposed bill that will pull the plug off their disguised looting of Nigerian resources by indigenizing the Nigerian oil industry, and introducing transparency – despite Jonathan’s public promises to the country that he’ll see the bill through.

14.    The Waziri Woman just won’t let up – says she needs to see Jonathan’s promise not to “Aondoakaa” her “in writing” before the polls; says that’s the only glue strong enough to seal her lips about her own trump card against the Bayelsan.

15.     The ghosts of the tormented Child Witches of Akwa Ibom keep rudely interrupting Jonathan’s sleep for keeping mum about their plight out of political expedience. The God’s Will and Good Luck combo he and his man-on-the-ground has going, is proving to lack efficacy on the esoteric side.

16.    Jonathan thought he could pigeonhole one of his main opponents Muhammad Buhari by ascribing his straight-laced nature to Muslim fanaticism, but now THAT Pastor from Yoruba Land that gave Baba so much headache, is by the man’s side. Who would’da seen that coming – what to do man?

17.    The darn Arabs up north who endured seven thousand years of barbaric rule at the hands of their rulers and their agents without a squeak, just decided to rise up at Jonathan’s moment, to show the world it’s not just religious fanaticism they’re good at.

18.    A troublesome law maker, believed to be an agent of one of the opposition leaders is rumored to be planning an eleventh hour surprise regarding the re-introduction of the Freedom Of Information (FOI) Bill that was last sighted in Cotonou, Benin Republic, years ago. This would enable Nigerians to learn of all the horse-trading Jonathan had to engage in with Blackmailing Thieving Governors.

19.    Michael Anaconda, eh Aondokoaa, waddled into his office last week with a Brazilian lingerie model with a firecracker behind, nibbling at his earlobes. The south American bimbo had to be physically restrained by Jonathan’s ADC from showing his Honorable what the famous Brazilian Bikini Wax looks like up close. Anaconda says he just wants to remind Jonathan that “no worthy son of the soil” needs more than a year in high public office in Nigeria to be settled:

“Look at me now without any meaningless titles to my name. No one bothers me. I’m free like a bird. Hardest task of my life nowadays? Just popping them little Blue pills to keep up with Mercellinho here! God bless the Oyingbo! Think about that man. Think about all the fun we can have together as free Patriotic private citizens with open-ended bank accounts.”

20.    Baba has not been his old self since his pummeling by a crazed opposition supporter at the MMIA airport a few months ago, and his public de-frogging by a convicted former Governor. Baba now says his manual on “Do or Die” elections has been stolen and burnt by one of them Internet Warriors trying to imitate the pesky little Arabs up north – whose situation is unique to them.

21.    This Weaken Leaks people just won’t agree to a settlement. They keep giving Nigerians all sorts of ideas about the scenes behind-the-scenes. Even though every Patriot knows they’re liars out to single out and sabotage Nigeria. eh, ehemm.

22.    The Shakedown King of Lagos, the Oba of All Area Boys, the Kingmaker of the Southwest, who has been wielding a gun to his lackey Governor’s head to award him all the juicy public works contracts in the State at inflated rates, is threatening to let his goons loose on Jonathan’s backyard as retribution for Jonathan insulting his lifestyle. Several of Jonathan’s Area Chairmen are rattled enough to call to say he needs to issue new IOUs to the VIP for breaking their Honor Code – you know, the one among those whose line of work knows no recession.

23.    That stubborn fellow in charge of the Court of Appeal who refuses to be settled, is stirring up trouble again.

24.    Jonathan is ready to do just about anything to be rid of the Deltan, Emmanuel Uduaghan, whose relentless Carrot and Stick pleading for his cousin and fellow traveler James Ibori, now makes Jonathan feel like a celebrity that is told by his protectors he is the target of a crazed stalker.

25.    Baba, who has always been only a phone call away, seems to be suddenly screening his calls, and sometimes takes a whole day to return Jonathan’s calls. Jonathan initially thought he might have caught Baba at a bad time, you know– while his expert Hair Dresser from the House is busy, eh, ehemm, helping him. But he is no longer sure it’s a good omen.

To be continued…

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