In February of 2004, a 19-year old Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard University to form a new community. It began as a community of young, hip and mostly single men and women who were mobile and progressive. Today, that community has ballooned to over 500 million members. One in every fourteen people in the world belongs to this community. If it were a country, it would be the 3rd most populous country in the world.
In February of 2004, a 19-year old Mark Zuckerberg dropped out of Harvard University to form a new community. It began as a community of young, hip and mostly single men and women who were mobile and progressive. Today, that community has ballooned to over 500 million members. One in every fourteen people in the world belongs to this community. If it were a country, it would be the 3rd most populous country in the world.
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If you are married and burdened by life, and you have never heard of Facebook, you can be forgiven. But if you are single and searching, and you have never heard of Facebook, you’re a toast. For if you do not know Facebook, chances are that you do not know Match.com, Africasingles.net, Nigeriandate.com, Africandateline.com or eHarmoney.com.
While Chris Okotie’s sister, Lorraine, was singing, “I’m a single girl/I’m waiting for someone to marry me…” Paula Cole was out there singing, “Where have all the cowboys gone.”
In today’s dating game, there is no waiting for someone to marry you. The waiting is over.
Yet, a lot of our single Africans abroad are still waiting and singing a similar song. Where have all the eligible bachelors gone? Where have all the ideal spinsters gone? Well, I’ll tell you. They have not gone nowhere out of space. They are hiding somewhere in the virtual world. I should know for that was where in 2000, I found my wife. That was four years before Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook.
According to a 2009 study done by Harris Interactive and eHarmony, 19.4% of newlyweds ages 20-54 met online. That is one in every six couples. In the past, most couples meet through friends, at work, school or at social events. But from 2006 on, more couples meet online than through any of those traditional routes.
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After nine years in marriage, I thought I have heard it all. Then recently, in one of those rare moments when a spouse lets few gentle words slip out of the mouth and watch them explode again and again, she said to me, "you were lucky I rescued you from all those wild girls who would have eaten you alive."
That was my wife, Edna, speaking.
I did not argue with her. Instead, she made me recall how it all happened. I was writing a weekly column at Nigeriaworld.com and contributing to the messageboard. While the column was political and social commentary, it was on the messageboard that my personality was being revealed in each comment I made.
It was at the tail end of the 20th century. Between the main website and the messageboard, a group of us were forging an internet community. As an active member of that community, I began to form relationships with members of the community. That was when I got that first email from her. She wrote that she had been following my writings on the website and many others.
"I will like to be like you when I grow up," she wrote.
Just like many others who reached out to me within the emerging community, I responded to her mail and extended my communal hand. After we passed the email period and exchanged phone numbers, it was clear that this was not going to be like just another community relationship. From the very first moment I heard her voice, I knew this was going to be something special.
After series of emails and phone calls, I finally traveled to New York from my base in Boston to meet her. I arranged to meet her in the home of my friend, George Ezike, in the Bronx. When I told George and his wife that I met the girl on the internet, they gave out a kind of smile I could not interpret.
Nothing that I knew of her prepared me for what happened as the door bell rang and I opened the door. As Edna walked into the house, I stretched my hand in greetings.
For a while, all that she could say was Rudolf Okonkwo. She called the name more than three times. I looked at her to see if I could interpret why, but I could not. I wondered if I was not all she thought I would be. Was I too tall or too skinny? Was I too old or too young? Was I too real or too fake? I was bemused. I had thought Edna had seen my full-length picture but I later found out that she had not. She had only seen the magazine column pictures. And there we were, for a moment, speechless.
Few minutes later, I was at Edna’s apartment in Queens, New York, eating pounded yam and Onugbu (Bitter leaf soup). We talked about Tunde, Aluko, Lighthouse, Biafra, Big Steve, Solid, Uncle Sam, and many others we knew from our online community. They were like our classmates. We talked about Nigeria as if our lives depended on it. Just before 9.00pm, I left her place to honor an appointment in Brooklyn. About 16 hours later, I was back in Edna’s apartment. It was all like a dream until Jude, another online member who I had contacted prior to my coming to New York, left his office in Manhattan and came around. I had read his works and talked to him over the phone but we never met. And there again, I re-lived the whole experience. Later in the evening, when Jude had gone, I went to the movie theatre with Edna. As is tradition for me, I asked her what she would like to watch and she said SHAFT. I had thought that she would have chosen the movie, ME, MYSELF and IRENE.
I was very glad about what I saw that I published our meeting in my column in the piece I called MEE, Myself and Edna. Periodically, I updated my readers on the progress of our relationship. When it was time for a wedding, we invited many members of our virtual community.
At the wedding, people erstwhile anonymous and discreet, took off their disguise and made physical appearances, including those who warned me to “beware of New York girls especially those you met online.” The wedding brought the virtual world in contact with the physical world.
That was over nine years ago.
Since then, many things have changed. Internet is more readily available. There are more African immigrants abroad, especially in America. What has not changed is the need for these Africans to meet their peers and to find love. Life abroad for many Africans has become tight and more complicated. This means there is a greater need for more opportunities to meet and select mates.
Besides the demanding lifestyle, the distance and diverse nature of America make it difficult to follow the traditional means of meeting and establishing relationships. Introductions by family and friends continue to be a dependable but limited means for the reasons stated above. The postmodern option of attending social events within one’s circle of interest is also limiting for reasons of time and resources.
These obstacles have led to the emergence of the virtual village as a replacement village square of some sort. Every African community has established a form of village square where interested members gather to discuss and know each other. The Kenyans have mashada.com, kikuyu.com, the Zimbabweans have chirundu.com. There are also specialized sites that offer matchmaking and dating services. These sites have become a modern substitute for the traditional matchmaking norms.
Online matchmaking has the advantage of giving potential suitors a wider range of opportunities including having a direct insight into the personality of a candidate before any face to face contact. An African in far away Los Angeles can explore a relationship with another in Boston. There are no middlemen and there is greater ease in abandoning unworkable relationships.
It also provides greater prospect for those with specific and special needs.
For instance, Wairimu (not her real name), a 26 year old Kenyan nurse in Irving, Texas used the internet to search for her blue-eyed Caucasian prince charming. She despises dating blacks, especially her Kikuyu men. After three years of active exploration, the internet provided her the opportunity to meet a potential suitor – a handyman in Georgia. A previous suitor turned out to be a Caucasian with too many black characteristics. She felt disappointed.
This new means of establishing a relationship has become popular.
Meetnigerians.net has over 41,000 members and at any point in time over hundred people on line. In an online interview with the principal owner, Larry Obisi, he said that online dating "makes it easy to meet someone of similar background in the comfort of one’s home or office… The best attitude to online dating is to approach it with open mind and then you would be surprised by what could come your way."
He said his site has grown from a dating site into a full fledged community where people share music, make friends, and partake in discussions. "There have been many marriages but a lot of the members like to keep it quiet," he added.
In spite of widespread use of the internet, African Diaspora is still conservative. Many regard online dating as something foreign and beneath them. This includes those in serious need of companionship. A forty-something year old single California-based man who has been searching for a wife for upwards of five years would not try online dating. “I can’t stoop that low,” he said. When asked why he said that a woman who published her profile online is one step beneath a prostitute.
Afrointroductions.com is another matchmaking website that prides itself in its services. It flaunts a barrage of testimonials with pictures of successful couples united by the website. Most of the couples shown were often old white men with young African women. Operators of the site declined to be interviewed for this story.
One downside to internet dating is fraud. "It is not just an issue with dating," said Obisi, "but an internet wide problem." Meetnigerians.net like other dating sites publishes tips to avoid scammers.
Despite the fact that online dating has worked for many, it is still a blind medium with inherent dangers. Many participants misrepresent themselves in their profiles, for example, married people often present themselves as singles. Participants should be mindful that criminals lurk around looking for people to default and sex offenders could use the medium in search of their next victims. Avoid posting personal information on your profile. Things like your home address, date of birth, phone number and full name. Have a separate email for online dating. In the course of your correspondence, have your snail mails sent to a post office box instead of your home address. Keep records of all your emails with potential dates. Do not delete them. When going out on first dates make sure it is happening in a public place. Ensure that you have a phone or the ability to use a phone. Let someone know where you are going and as much as possible go with your own transportation or public transportation. If things do not turn out well do not go straight to your home for you might be followed. Block the email address of dating candidates who make you uncomfortable.
Journalist Jumoke Giwa, writing on her website igilandi.org reported on how her friend, Akua (not her real name) was duped by an internet boyfriend. Akua, living in Canada had send out an online personal seeking a man of her dream. She chose businessman Dare amongst the respondents. She established a relationship with him, first by email and IM and later by phone across three continents. They were soon talking about marriage. Dare met her parents in Nigeria even when she had not physically seen him. Things were moving so well that when Dare was in financial trouble, Akua asked her mother to lend him $3000. After getting the money, Dare disappeared.
These days, it is not uncommon for a woman to go to an online messageboard and declare, "Help Needed: I want a Husband." Isis (a pen name) recently went on nigeriavillagesquare.com messageboard and made that declaration. She stated she was shy but had recently mustered the courage to approach a member of the online community she had come to like through his writings and online persona. When he politely told her he recently got married, she put out the public notice stating that finding a husband was her most important goal of the year. She advertised her potentials as a wife and asked for suggestions on how to find a man. She also asked potential suitors to make their bid.
For greater effect, she threw in a bait, "who knows we may well be the first Nigeriavillagesquare wedding."
To which I said, been there, done that.
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