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Nigerian Churches And Their Individual Madness Part 1: Christ Embassy Church By Imoh David

September 2, 2014

Attend one of their services, I assure you there is no house of bedlam like the Christ Embassy Church service. I call it a beautiful absurdity; an orgasmic show of religious fascism at its best.

Believers Love World aka Christ Embassy Church is my favorite clan of all the Nigerian Christian blocs.

If you are no stranger to these Christians, you'll definitely agree that there is no funeral spirit around these guys. They are just one hell of a sui generis in the sky-daddy bandwagon.

Pastor Chris Oyakhilome

Attend one of their services, I assure you there is no house of bedlam like the Christ Embassy church service. I call it a beautiful absurdity; an orgasmic show of religious fascism at its best. Nobody, I say it again: Nobody does the mental fascism thing better than the Christ Embassy bunch. It is so enviable that I had to dedicate my biro to this.

First of all, a moment of silence for a Christ embassy brother somewhere, applying gel and hair relaxer on his head. Right now as you read this, an adult male somewhere is partaking in some form of fascist cosmetics in order to come close in appearance to his venerated Pastor Chris Onyakhilome; their idol of a general overseer. I heard if you are an adult male in the crew and you haven't applied some gel and hair relaxer, then you are a novice. The sisters, droll for the brother who speaks, looks and act Pastor Chris.

To the fellas: Is there any Christ Embassy female you are wooing and she is not giving in? Now, take my generous advice to the casino:

Go get your hair some laxative product, practice some Pastor Chris accent and then memorize his fuzzy lines. Get a clean white suit. Learn to technically use words like "Zoe", "Rhapsody", "Grace", "Different", etc. Most importantly, spew your garbage very beautifully; you know that soft-madness they call "speaking-in-tongues"? Get it right.

So you walk-up to your "embassy" sister target with your curly hair, a Pastor Chris smile on a white suit and of course amble graciously like the venerated idol, and then begin with the Pastor Chris accent:

"Hey sister, you are the "Zoe" of the year, the prophecy of the century; the one who Isaiah spoke about. You are the Rhapsody of our time, for the Grace of your beauty shall make nations fall at thy feet. Because of the supernatural auction of the word on you, you shall suck the breast of Kings and become the envy of nations. All things are mine in the holy ghost; I speak you into my bedroom lapasantrakado! Pepelepekendato! Meme suntafantakando!" And boom! It is done. Lest I forget, be sure to have Pastor Chris' posters in your apartment, use it for your mobile wallpaper. Play Pastor Chris sermons and some Sinach's music in your car stereo. Be 100% "Christic" and I swear she'll be in between the sheets performing the holy ghost show.

Ever attended a Christ Embassy service and listen to their sermon? If the preacher is to preach for 60 minutes; 40 minutes of sermons goes this way: "Pastor Chris says....", "Pastor Chris once said...", "I remember when Pastor Chris talked about...", "I learned from pastor Chris that...." Etc. The remaining 20 minutes will be dedicated to motivational lines and rhetorics like "You are different!" "You are the salt of the earth", "where men fail, you shall succeed", "Let the world see the excellence in you", etc. And most importantly the organizational soft-madness called "Speaking-in-tongues", is never missing in action. Christ embassy has remixed their with version spices like "holy-ghost laughter", "Holy-ghost worship", etc. If you're bored on a sunday morning, just visit a branch and see the beauty of organizational mental fascism.

One thing that seduces me about them is their holy secularism. In this christian sect, there is little discrimination on the appearance of a person. Wear dreadlocks, tattoos, mini-skirts, low-waist jeans, sagging pants or even walk into their auditorium with a bikini, nobody cares. "To the pure, all things are pure", they say. Their open-arms to all is unequal; Pastor Chris is not a limited minded pastorpreneur. I am so inspired!

Yes, business man I say. Don't kill me dear pastor "Christists". Isn't the gospel a business? The biblical Jesus once called it "my father's business." Do not crucify my garrulous ass please. I know you all can catch a grenade for Pastor Chris and throw same for him. I pledge allegiance!

The Christ Embassy clan are the most intelligent and creative of all the Christian sects in Nigeria. An average Christ embassy churchgoer is more tolerant, open-minded and creative than their other sky-band counterparts in Nigeria. Put a Christ embassy member side by side with a TB Joshua patronizer or a Lazarus Mouka crew member, the mentality of the Christ Embassy fellow surpasses the rest. 

They have a way of making their "shit" sound intelligent by applying some fancy verbiages and pseudo-philosophical rhetoric to sound nice. But shit is shit no matter how hard you try to package it in a beautiful bag. Once you open it up, it still greets your nose with it's reputable reception.

Imoh "Son of David" is an Nigerian atheist. An author, publisher and business man and he writes from South Africa. Follow him on Twitter @ImohDavid.