And it came to pass that on the fiftieth year of the sufferings and tribulations of the people of Sodom, the Lord took pity on them. And I Am That I Am, the fiery one who wrought genocide on the Amorites, the Amalekites, the Canaanites, the Philistines; the one who plagued Egypt and destroyed Jericho; the one who roared through the Old Testament with blood and fire and thunder and disease; the one who wasted Onan for wasting his own seed, summoned his only Son and the Holy Ghost to his presence.
And when his Son and the Holy Ghost has come into his presence, the Lord opened his mouth and spake: “the cries of the people of Sodom, who we have punished this past fifty years because of their evil and corrupt ways have reached up to me. We hath sent our angels to find but ten righteous souls among them but there was none for the land of Sodom is peopled by thieves and liars and hypocrites and the covetous. We have punished them with darkness for fifty years. It is meet now that we take pity on them and bring them from darkness to light if they repent and change their ways.”
And the Son and the Holy Ghost took the word of the Lord to the people of Sodom: “repent and change thine ways and Jehovah shalt take pity on thee and lessen thine punishment.” And the people of Sodom screamed: “pray, what must we do to merit the Lord’s pity?” And the Son and the Holy Ghost spake unto them: “Thou must banish iniquity from thine hearts and quit the ways of corruption and lying. For fifty years, thieves and the corrupt have found honour and glory and elevation in thine eyes. Thou hast cast away Jehovah and worship corrupt leaders in his place. Thus saith the Lord, thou must repent and punish thine thieving leaders for justice and righteousness to come onto this land. Only then shalt thou find favour with our father.”
And the people of Sodom came together and spake thus of their leaders: “thieves! We must punish the thieves! Only then shall Jehovah take pity on us.”
And the lords of the land, the Pharisees and the Sadducees and the Sanhedrin and the moneychangers came together and saith unto themselves: “to save Sodom; the Lord has asked the people to punish the thieves amongst us. Seeing that the people wait upon us outside, who shall be punished?”
And one elder said, “Lo, I stole only a thousand shekels but I bought fish and bread for the people. For all the righteous things I did for the people, I cannot be punished.”
And another elder said, “Lo, I stole only five thousand shekels but I bought asses and horses for the people that they may move about not on foot. It has even been foretold by a prophet that one of the donkeys I bought for the people shall one day be seized by the son of Jehovah and used for his entry into Jerusalem a thousand years from now. I cannot be punished.”
And another elder said, “Lo, I stole only ten thousand shekels but I built a mighty Temple for the Lord and I pay my tithe and I take care of the shepherds of the Lord for they must not go hungry. I cannot be punished.”
And another elder said, “Lo, I stole only fifteen thousand shekels, I prepare feasts for the people. I pay for their funerals. I pay for their weddings. It has even been foretold that one of the weddings I shall pay for in the future shall be attended by the Son of the most high and he shall turn water to wine after partaking of the wine I bought with the money that I stole. I cannot be punished.”
And all the elders in the meeting hath stolen but all had been righteous with what they stole from the people and hath done good and great deeds for the people with what they stole from the people. And the leader of all the elders rose up and saith to the assembly: “seeing that we have all stolen and done great deeds with our loot, it is not meet that one of us is punished. Have we not heard from two of us that even the son of the Lord shall benefit a thousand years from now from their money when he takes a donkey to Jerusalem or turns water to wine? Let us, therefore, go to the people and say to them that we have found no unrighteous thief among us.”
And the leaders of the land went outside and saith to the people: “we found no unrighteous thief amongst our ranks for we have always spent a portion of whatever we have stolen from you on you.”
And great anger is come upon the people. And they seized upon a thief from among the lords of the land named Sarakius the moneychanger. Sarakius the moneychanger was a man of great fortune. He hath set up a store in the Temple like all the other moneychangers. And when the people brought their shekels and pieces of silver to him for safekeeping, he stole all the shekels and the silver and the house of the moneychangers. And his wife took the fortune across the great seas for safekeeping. And Sarakius became one of the lords of the land.
And the people saith, “Lo our hands are weak and we have no strength to fight all the lords of the land who have stolen from us from generation to generation. Therefore, we shall make an example of Sarakius the moneychanger and punish him to fulfil the commandments of Jehovah for great indeed are the crimes of Sarakius.”
And there was great rejoicing among the people as they dragged Sarakius towards the throne of judgement. And the people saith unto themselves: “it is indeed meet that we start with one thief among all the great thieves for when one thief is punished, our small victory shall give us strength to fight and punish more thieves. And we shall go from thief to thief till we rid the land of pestilence.” And the people kept vigil that Sarakius may be punished.
But some rose up from among the people and spake: “touch not Sarakius for he is not alone.” And the people answered them: “many indeed are the thieves who have afflicted us from generation to generation in the ranks of the lords of the land. Seeing as Jehovah has asked us to punish thieves and seeing as we have to start somewhere, it is meet that we start with Sarakius.”
And the hearts of the puritanical dissenters hardened. And they poured ash over their own heads and wore sackcloth and saith to the people: “touch not Sarakius until you touch all the thieves.” And the people asked them: “are ye for us or are ye for Sarakius?” And the dissenters answered: “we are not for you and we are not for Sarakius, we are not for here and we are not for there for we are of the generation of those who sat on the fence of Jericho. And when the Lord destroyed our fence, we built other fences for our bottoms.”
And the people saith to them: “we must do something about somebody. We must do something about Sarakius as an example to all the other big thieves. If we get one of them our spirit will be lifted and we shall confront the rest.”
And the dissenters persisted: “fold your arms and do nothing about nobody until you can do everything about everybody all at once for such is our philosophy.” And the people saith to them: “come down from thine fence and teach us to do everything about everybody at once so that we may shun the path of little symbolic and powerful victories and embrace the path of sitting down and waiting for the miracle of doing everything about everybody at once.”
But the dissenters could not hear the people for the fence upon which the sat hath grown higher and higher into the clouds.
And the people continued to fight and struggle.
And the shekels of Sarakius continued to move in mysterious ways into mysterious pockets such that the people could not speak as one against the moneychangers.
And the Lord and the Son and the Holy Ghost looked down on them from on high above.
And there was great sadness among the Trinity.
And the Lord spake to his Son and the Holy Ghost: “what else must I do for Sodom? Years ago, Abraham asked me to spare them if I found ten righteous among them. We did not find ten righteous among them. Now I have asked them to punish just one thief and they cannot agree on who is a thief in a land populated only by thieves. Christ, bring me a bowl of water. Holy Ghost, bring me a piece of cloth for I must wash mine hands and wipe them and cast the affairs of the land of Sodom away from my presence forever. So let it be written, so let it be done!”