My warmest regards to fellow Countrymen in this hour of uncertainty, agitation and pseudo-optimism, in the era of N500 to a dollar and Customs officers looting shops and probably private kitchens in the very near future. I sympathize with Countrymen who are being harassed daily by uniformed and plain clothes defectives, I sympathize with those facing lengthy legal battles, those being persecuted for whistle-blowing and with those who are lonely subsequent to the departure of the Imperial Lord on a winter vacation. It is pertinent that I send Calvary greetings to our Monarch, the King of the North, defender of the 12 northern states (yes, twelve), protector of the Fulani hordes and King on the Leather-Couch-Throne in London.
Though we have not seen him, yet we believe that he is alive and as fit as a fiddle just like Femi said. I couldn’t agree more, in fact, I can mentally picture him sitting in the hospital lobby watching Arewa24 with repressed excitement, sharing tales of his Valor during military service with other geriatric (or moribund?) patients! Or is he at home right now? Has he had any meal today? Or maybe he has guests – called to book appointments, driven Mafia-style with black hoods over their heads to the King’s secret bunker… Oh! that opens a new direction of thought, is the King on the phone?
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We have not failed to observe the King’s penchant for communicating with his call-and-tell Caporegimes, the governor of Kano state the latest in a series of calls, thanking him for prayers and goodwill as revealed publicly or giving instructions for ‘jobs’ as is the norm with Mafia bosses. I am not affection-deprived so I wouldn’t beg him to call me or call us, but I am concerned about the telephone bills considering that I and most of us pay the bills. Same goes for his medical bills, I would prefer that he was under the robust NHIS coverage as I am. It is very unfair that this government, his government, is finalizing plans to increase import duties on foreign drugs, meanwhile the Principal enjoys the warm hands of European nurses and their antibiotics!
Away from this digression, telephone bills are outrageous in the UK, I’m not a miser but I scrutinize my utility bills and I should at least know how my money is being spent, who was called and the topic of discussion as is the standard of practice in other kingdoms. I’d prefer those minutes on the phone were spent calling the South African foreign minister in light of recent Xenophobic attacks on our citizens and in the absence of our foreign minister or foreign policy. This would not be asking too much from him, just a little chit-chat, express concerns here and there- and that’s all.
I’d prefer those minutes were spent coordinating his pet projects so they don’t lose focus, like putting pressure on engineers searching for the elusive crude oil in the north, creating new local government areas for his hordes under the guise of establishing grazing reserves, extension of the services of the Hisbah to north-central states and the transformation of our ‘open-secret police’ under the leadership of his kinsman into Africa’s first Gestapo. Is he even aware they now invade schools and beat up teachers over pupil discipline?
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His bonus airtime (if he is roaming or using Vodafone) should be spent on calling overzealous Caporegimes who are developing schemes to undermine the position and authority of the Ag. President of Nigeria or Prime Minister as I prefer to describe him. These sycophants as Omokri calls them, must reassure their radical subjects that the King is fine and urge them to continue the pro-king rallies in the north. It is very important that this is done in order to maintain this divinely arranged two-leader solution. None of us envisaged an ideal situation that we are in, if the King were to abdicate or join his ancestors there would be tension and possible breakdown of law and order, so it is better he remains a figurehead, a ceremonial monarch and leave administration for his intellectually superior Prime Minister. Let us remember to pray for the King to remain in health and in high spirits.
I would recommend other Channels at 10pm in order to stay abreast of current happenings in our country and developmental strides of his intellectually superior Prime Minister-whose commitment to removing business obstacles and the planned conversion of illegal refineries to modular refineries are particularly noteworthy. Our national television station under the direction of the Minister for disinformation has become an intensely empty propaganda outlet and a national embarrassment alongside everyone associated with government press releases. In fact the King should consider severing the Ministry of Culture from that of Disinformation lest the world conclude that we have a culture of lies.
God Save The King!
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