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I Will Sue VP Osinbajo In One Week If… By Rudolf Okonkwo

January 12, 2022

The time is here. The time is now. This is Osinbajo’s chance.
… and yet, he has not risen to the occasion.

As a big fan of Vice President Yemi Osinbajo, I have swallowed a truckload of insults thrown at me because of my love for him. In the last six years, as Nigeria went from bad to worse and my beloved Vice President kept mute, I got clobbered by enemies of progress who bombarded me with incendiary comments. They called me stupid because of him. It hurt my feelings. I took it like a man because I knew when the time came, my indomitable Vice President would strike.

I was assured and reassured that he knew what he was doing and would step up when the iron was hot.

Just as Vice President George H. W. Bush supported President Ronald Reagan’s anti-civil rights policies, noting that it was “not the time to become disloyal,” Vice President Osinbajo has remained loyal to President Buhari. When the government he is part of ignored court rulings, and he said nothing, I absorbed it because I understood the timeframe of the big master plan. When the government he is the second in command in broke laws, went against the constitution, and the law professor and a Senior Advocate of Nigeria did nothing, I endured it because I was following the perfect program. As a man of God in good standing, I knew he was praying hard and fasting day and night as Nigerians die from insecurity and hunger. I endured it because I was sure that he was waiting for the right signal from God to spring up to bear witness.

The time is here. The time is now. This is Osinbajo’s chance.

… and yet, he has not risen to the occasion.

I did not swallow the phlegm of insults all these years just for nothing. I did not lose weight watching a man I thought would be the only light that won’t die in Buhari’s government as it dimmed. Mbanu!

Vice President Osinbajo must declare his run for president in one week, or I will sue him and ask for a refund for my hope that he dashed, my dream that he crushed, and my final vision of a great Nigeria that he peed on. I am not keeping quiet anymore.

Yes, that is what Osinbajo did this week by letting Mr. Bola Tinubu steal his thunder by declaring for president before him. How dare you, Prof. Osinbajo?

At this point, let me address you directly.

Dear Osinbajo, you know you are a very special person, smart and endowed by the divine. Please, do not call my next set of questions trash. Why? Why, Mr. Vice President? Are you intimidated by the rickety-raggedy bingo of Bourdillon? I got drunk with your honesty, integrity, and love for our country that I don’t know what to do now.

You should know this. Your prostration on the feet of the Jagaban of Shakara Kingdom is not cute anymore. Call me mad, but I won’t be invisible anymore.

You should not be afraid. Bola Tinubu is a man you could have knocked off the field by simply saying to him, “Lookia, man, I know what you did in Lagos some twenty years ago.” Shikena! He would not dare you after that.

Otherwise, you will open the book for him. And the book is of too many chapters and pages. Mere opening the chapter about Alpha Beta will send Tinubu back to a London hospital for another waist therapy. The election will be over before he comes back with another reinforced shoe. If that does not give you a technical knockout, you will open the chapter about his real age, schools, name, mother, and teeth. By the time you get to what happened in Chicago in the 80s, his doctors will place him on antipsychotic medications.

Don’t ever forget who you are, sir. You are a great son of Lagos who made a Second Class Honors (Upper Division) in Law at the University of Lagos. You are a great Akokite, who has a master’s degree from the London School of Economics. You are also a great grand in-law of the great Obafemi Awolowo. Weigh your pedigree against the one from the unverified village in a primitive lower part of Osun State. Which one emits grace, gentility and grandeur?

Come on, my professor, a public intellectual like you cannot dillydally with this final battle for Nigeria. If you let this circus continue, men with poisoned horns will inflict the final fatal blow to Nigeria with one hook. I apologize, but I take these things seriously. If other sissies around you let you chicken out, I will not. It is not enough to roll my eyes; I want you to wake up from your coma.

I will sue you in an Abuja court. In fact, I will go all the way to the West African Court of Human Rights because you are abusing my human rights with this show of foot-dragging. If I lose at African courts, I am willing to set up a GoFundMe to take your case all the way to the World Court in The Hague. It must be a crime against humanity for you to bankrupt my precious pond of patriotism with your pernicious meekness.

Mr. Vice President, don’t you know that even though the Holy Book said that first shall be the last, in the Nigerian realm, the first often suck up the energy from the rest. Whatever you do, please come out and tell us you are ready to rule us. Don’t wait to consult “the Nigerians.”

Quite frankly, I am greatly disappointed that once again, you, my beloved Vice President, are sitting pretty in one corner of Aso Rock watching the likes of Ebonyi State Governor declare for president. Other than his hatred for the media, what does David Umahi have that you don’t have double? What has he done? It is not as if he has turned Abakaliki around from a small village that it was into Atlantic City? Even the all-Nigerian talented Senator Anyim Pius Anyim, has come out to declare a run for president. How could that be? Other than the big stomach, what does Pius Anyim have that you, my dear Vice President, does not have?

I even heard the Ovation magazine guy, what is his name again? Yes, Dele Momodu, is also out running for president. Even your fellow revered professor, Kingsley Moghalu, whose party, the African Democratic Congress, couldn’t win his local government during the just concluded governorship election in Anambra State, has declared to run for president in 2023. What are you afraid of, my capable Vice President? Is it that the clipper is not sharp or that the barber has no skill? What is going on? What are you afraid of, my guy? Why are you penis-shy?

This is your moment. A moment like this will not come again anytime soon. If you miss this moment, you will end up like Goodluck Jonathan’s Vice President. What is his name again? Yeah, Namadi Sambo. (Whatever happened to that man?) Sambo was so terrible that he did not even get an honorable mention among those who stole some money or got dashed something by the great Jonathan’s treasury donator, Sambo Dasuki.

Is that how you want us, your dedicated followers, to remember you, Mr. Vice President?

Maybe this will help. I have mobilized angels from America and Europe to lift you, hold you high until you soar. What am I going to tell them now? All you have to do now is pick up your cross and step out. We shall handle the rest.

But if you won’t, I tell you, my friend, I won’t go quietly into the night. I have had enough. As I said, I will sue you in one week if you don’t declare for president. I can no longer sit at home and crush my testicles because of you. Hell, no. I will put up a fight for you and for our dear nation and for our unborn children. Someone has to push you to do the right thing. And I am willing to be the bad guy.




Yours truly,


Rudolf Okonkwo  




Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo teaches Post-Colonial African History at the School of Visual Arts in New York City. He is also the host of Dr. Damages Show. His books include “This American Life Sef”, “Children of a Retired God” among others.