If Nigeria's stories were arranged in a music form, it would be a symphony - an unfinished symphony. The movements and the sonata are so vast. Below is a little quiz that will tell you how much of this composition you know.
Question 1: Why was Governor Gabriel Torwua Suswam of Benue State voted the most romantic governor in Nigeria?
(a) Because he built a replica of the Taj Mahal in Kastina-Ala in honor of his wife, Architect Deaconess Yemisi Dooshima Suswam.
(b) He took his wife on a romantic cruise on the maiden voyage of Turai Turai, a luxury ship that travels along Mungo Park’s final path on River Benue
(c) He managed to govern Benue State, run President Jonathan Goodluck’s campaign, bag three advanced degrees in 5 years, including a PhD, while at the same time successful in making Architect Deaconess Suswam happy-night after night.
(d) In the music video of the song, Kerewa, he played the role of a body double to one of the flipping Zule Zoo singers.
(e) Unlike other politicians who forge their certificates, Gov. Suswan made sure he forged one for his wife, too.
(f) His love poems to Architect Deaconess Yemisi Dooshima Suswam won the Gold Prize at the National Association of Roadside Poets award night.
(g) Scientists at Benue State University found the great Suswam DNA in a cross section of girls at the University.
Question 2: In one of those rare Facebook moments, Femi Fani-Kayode accused Saminu Turaki and some other people of ‘sniffing knickers’; providing young girls for President Olusegun Obasanjo at Aso Rock. He has since recanted because…?
(a) One of the knickers was his daughter.
(b) He wrote that when he thought he had successfully hacked into Andy Uba’s Facebook account.
(c) The President of the National Association of Indian Knickers, Nigerian Branch, threatened an all out war with their pimps.
(d) A viral video appeared on youtube in which Mr. Fani-Kayode is seen sniffing the sneaker of a well-known Abuja knicker.
(e) Pastor Enoch Adebayo collects $10,000 from Obasanjo each time the word, knicker, is used in the media.
(f) Justice Kastina-Alu issued an injunction barring the use of such words in Nigeria.
(g) A Facebook friend of Fani-Kayode called him a political knicker.
Question 3: Why did President Jonathan Goodluck name former beauty queen, Bianca Ojukwu, a Senior Special Assistant to the President on Diasporan Affairs?
(a) The current Special Assistant to the President on Diasporan Affairs could not get a visa to the country of Diaspora.
(b) Goodluck’s first choice, Genevieve Nnaji, declined on the grounds that D’banj did not approve.
(c) It was Chukwuemeka Odumegwu Ojukwu’s second to the last order.
(d) Nigerians in the Diaspora, who are used to marrying the most beautiful girls in their villages, made that special request.
(e) It was all part of Dame Patience Goodluck’s fantasy – she made the recommendation in anticipation of a possible threesome down the road.
(f) C.C. Onoh told Bianca, in a dream, to get a job. “Being married to Ikemba is not a job,” Onoh said.
(g) There was no better candidate with the credibility needed to carry out the urgent task of opening Biafran embassies abroad.
Question 4: President Jonathan Goodluck’s spokesman, Ima Niboro, stated that his boss was speaking poetically when he said that the South West was too important to be left in the hands of rascals. Based on Ima Niboro‘s explanation, You’re a South West rascal if…
(a) You’re an old man in your 50s, 60s, 70s or 80s that goes to bed each night with a twenty something year old woman- unless that woman is your son’s wife.
(b) You could not decide if your title should be Alhaji, Governor, Senator or Asiwaju.
(c) Your house in Ibadan is bigger than your house in Abuja.
(d) Your children born in London speak Yoruba better than your other set of children born in Ikere Ekiti.
(e) You renewed your Ogboni membership the same day the Anglican Church knighted you.
(f) You aspire to political office but have not yet drunk from Obafemi Awolowo’s cup.
(g) You jump into your car for a ride to the bad part of town because your stash of marijuana finished in the middle of the night.
Question 5: In Malawi, a law has been passed that bans farting in public. An overpaid Nigerian lawmaker from Umuikuku East constituency has proposed a Nigerian version of the same law. Which of these is not on his list of reasons?
(a) Farting interferes with wave his medicine man sends to his enemies.
(b) He owns a perfume manufacturing company that uses fart as a major ingredient.
(c) He developed asthma the day he was subjected to Olusegun Obasanjo’s fart.
(d) An app created for iPhone by an Ijebu programmer friend of his will help the Nigerian police to ticket those who fart in and around Oshodi market.
(e) His spiritual adviser, Guru Maharaji, needs fart to fuel his spacecraft to heaven.
(f) Chief Justice Kastina-Alu is allergic to fart.
(g) Chief Justice Kastina-Alu is full of fart.
Question 6: Why did South Africa increase the visa application fees for Nigerian applicants?
(a)To raise the money needed to fly Nelson Mandela to Saudi Arabia for medical treatment.
(b) To recover the money Nduka Obaigbena owes people who worked for the defunct Thisday South Africa.
(c) To raise the money to fund South Africa’s bid to host the Olympics in 2028.
(d) To recover the money South Africans spent buying Free Mandela albums of Nigerian reggae musicians like Orits Wiliki, Majek Fashek, Ras Kimono, and Sunny Okosun.
(e) Because they can.
(f) To offset the cost of keeping Henry Okah locked up in a South African jail.
(g) To stop Pastor Chris Oyakhilome from importing fake sick people coached on how to play ‘healed’ into South Africa.
Question 7: Which of these grapevine stories caused a stampede in Ibadan as parents stormed Primary and Secondary schools to take their children home?
(a) Philip Emeagwali visited schools in Ibadan to explain how he invented the internet and how he switched the internet off in Egypt right from his bedroom in Maryland, U.S.A.
(b) Iyiola Omisore disrobed an Egungun at Dugbe market.
(c) Olusegun Obasanjo was on a tour of primary and secondary schools in Ibadan in search of a new wife.
(d) Mapo Hill was on the move to visit Cocoa House.
(e) The ghost of Lamidi Adedibu appeared at Liberty stadium.
(f) Gov. Adebayo Alao-Alaka was picking up 200 kids he needs to perform fetish rituals that will guarantee him a second term in office.
(g) President Jonathan Goodluck’s campaign was giving out money at Agodi botanical garden.