Remi Oyeyemi

"A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it." – Rabindranath Tagore

I still don't understand why it is difficult for millions of Nigerians to understand this simple fact, that I am the best President Nigeria has ever had and would ever have in a long time to come.

Apart from my brother, General Sani Kano, who never passed an examination in his life time, I am the best educated President in Nigeria's history. Yet my detractors always make it look as if I am the worst educated.

Yes, let the truth be told, I don't have any WAEC certificate anywhere. I didn't need it. I am a Fula man. Full blooded and blue blooded. Of what use could the certificate have been anyway? I have achieved what millions of Nigerians would never achieve.  I am the President now and there is nothing anyone could do about it.

Moreso, at least, I am far better than Sani Kano, who never had any certificate at all. In my own case, I only stopped midway through Form 4. Some were even suggesting that the school that cooked the fake WAEC certificate for me was not in existence when I claimed to have attended, what is the big deal about that? Does it matter when the school was created? Even if the school was created in 2014, of what difference is it? The bottom line is to have the certificate issued. And I got one.

Hmmm, my supporters. I love them to death. They are the dumbest in the world. They are so stupid that even my own stupidity was alarmed. I am glad that majority of them are as brainless as me. They have nothing in their heads. They would defend me on anything, no matter how absurd. You couldn't reason with them. You couldn't present facts to them. Even many Babiallahs are more reasonable than them. Yes, they are proofs that I am the best Present yet in Nigeria's history.

My supporters, even me, I am offended by their idiocy, but I still love them. This is because, if they were not idiots, I would not have been able to mislead them and they would still hail me. Many of them claim to have eyes, yet I am not sure they could see all the damages I have done. This convinced me more that I am the best President.

I lied to them that I would declare my assets and would make declaration of assets a precondition to being in the cabinet. I did not do it. My supporters, in their usual stupid manners have manufactured excuses, which are at best nincompoopish to defend me. At times when I read their defence of me, I am like "Wooow!!! So there are still so many who are more stupid than me in this country?"

Honestly, before I became President, I had thought I was the most stupid person in this country. But now I know better. With what I have seen among my hailing supporters, I could walk with my head straight and my shoulder high. I could shape my arms like those of the crab and gallivant around, with my chest puffed out and my gait guided gratuitously. If I had any doubt before now about being the best President, it has been erased.

I told them I had 150 cows, I laughed how they all believed me hook, line and sinker. I had told them over 20 years before then that I had the same number of cows. This time around when I was giving them the same number of cows, I didn't even think about it. Well, I could not have thought about it even if I wanted to because I have no brain anyway. Someone had pointed out to me that one must have a brain in order to think. I didn't think because I had no brain. 

My supporters, they defended the fact that the number of my cows never increased or decreased for 20 years. See how stupid my supporters are? I was very upset with them for giving the impression that there were gays and lesbians among my cows! Despite my own level of stupidity, I could not imagine the level of theirs. Didn't they know that this was not acceptable to Islam and Quran? Yes, the idea of gay and lesbians are not acceptable to Islam and Quran. They made me upset. But I still love them for their idiocy anyways.

I told them I would fight corruption and they all began dancing and jumping up and down. Ha! My supporters, they licked every lie I flailed at them. They swallowed every rubbish I threw at them. They reminded me of Umaru Dikko, the man I wanted to crate from London to Lagos when I was a pupil dictator in 1984/85, unlike now that I am a full blown tyrant. Umaru had told Nigerians that until he has seen them scavenging from refuse dumps he would not be persuaded that that there was poverty in the land.

My supporters were scavenging from the refuse heap of my lies like hungry goats. How could they believe that someone like me who made $2.8bn disappear as an ordinary Secretary of Kerosene, would fight corruption?  I took N134bn of Gas Fund Trust (GFT) and did what I like with it without any accountability, under Sani yet they still believed that I would fight corruption. I never thought there were worse dummies than me in Nigeria until I found my supporters, Walahi Sumobillahi!

That $2.8bn was the first of its kind in Nigeria's History. I laid that record. I am very proud of it. Actually, during this my second coming, I was determined to lay a new record. I did that with the help of Maijibiti Barawo, the GMD of CPNN. I approved a ghost contract worth $26bn from my hotel suite in London. And trust my supporters, they applauded it, defended it, praised it and shut down any critique of it.

Some of my critics were upset that I detained Samson Dansaki for over 4 years. I don't understand them. This man only gave me N800m out of the $2.1bn he took. He should have given me at least a billion out of the money. I had no choice, I had to use him to fight corruption the easiest way by locking him up regardless of court injunctions. I just don't understand why people could not understand what I am doing!

Ha! My supporters, they are amazingly stupid. How could they believe the dumb stories that I was poor? How in the world? I had ten Toyota Prado SUVs in my entourage before I became President. I had an estate in Abuja in my name rented by the United Peoples of the World. I had my children in the UK going to the best schools. My son, Yunusa, rides a bike that costs meagre N58m. I have landed properties in Port-Harcourt, Kaduna and Daura. Is that the life style of a poor man?

When I went to pick the nomination form of my party, Congress of Progressive Alliance, I told them I borrowed the N25m. I have never seen such a celebrated dance by idiots in my life. It was a metastasised celebration across the land. My popularity soared. I became a cult figure. People began to express their supports through weird ways. I was dumfounded. Stupefied. Bewildered. They all believed my lie which myself could not and did not even believe. For the whole week, I was celebrating the master stroke, drinking champagne. Yes, I drank champagne as if it was going out of fashion o. No, no, no, no, don't come with that o. Quran is not against champagne at all. Neither is Islam. 

Since I became President, I have made my predecessor look like Anab Mohammed (SAW). I increased the cost of petrol. I increased the cost of staple foods. I increased the VAT tax. Light has become more expensive and inconsistent. Everything now costs more. Lives are no longer secure. Kings have been kidnapped in their palaces. Emirs are attacked anyhow. Boko Haram is now technically stronger. But I trust my dumb supporters, they have defended me all the way and very well too. I have absolute faith in their lunacy, in their cretinism. I could always count on their derangement to come up with senseless defences of my actions.

The most interesting aspect of my leadership is that I have allowed my Fula people to kill members of other ethnic nationalities unrestrained. I didn't have to say anything. The Police knew that they dared not arrest them. The Armed Forces knew they had to protect my Fula people. Have you ever seen any of them arrested and or tried? Even when my Fula people claimed responsibilities for massacring others, have you seen them arrested by anyone? My people have massacred villages, murdering women and children, destroying farms, raping women, burning down century old settlements. I didn't know it was going to be this easy.

People offered no resistance that I had anticipated. They don't want to give up their lands to my invading people and yet they are not willing, even when they are able, to defend their lands. They just threw up their arms, helplessly, sermonizing about "unity" of Nigeria. Which "unity"? The only "unity"of Nigeria I understand is when my Fula people dominate every strata and control everything. Anything outside that does not make any sense to me.

I never knew Nigerians are this cowardly, Allah! Walahi! I never knew I could get away with this much. All I needed to do was to sneez by arresting any one vocal person and you see the rest running helter – skelter, with their tails between their legs. They scurry into their holes so fast that I am amused to the point all I have to do is just pick my rotten teeth in front of the television in Osa Rock.

I think my problem right now is this Yorùbáwa people. They are trying to prove stubborn and difficult. I brought RUGA, they frustrated it. Now they came up with Àmòtékùn trying to cause problems for my people's ability to occupy and take over their land. But I would get them. I have some other plans up my sleeves. It is not over until it is over.

Those Yorùbáwa people, I would always find traitors among them. There are few black legs among them who would eat faeces for position.  All they want is money and position. I have plenty of that to give, as long as I remain in Osa Rock. Many of them are shameless. They don't care what happened to their people as long as they get to become Ministers or anything of the sort. I would give them contracts and make them betray their people.

There is even one among them, who they call "National Leader" of whatever. Some of his people call him "strategist." I sized him up and I found his thinking constricted. To say he is myopic is a gross understatement. I find him very useful. He is a good tool. He wants to succeed me. I smile to myself about him in my quietude. There are many of these people in my party that I had thought were smart. But they are not. They are cowards and they are very greedy. 

And those others from the East who call themselves Biafrans... Hmmmm!  They irritate me a lot. I despise them more than I despise those sneaky and stubborn Yorùbáwa people. I don't like them at all. They thought I have dealt with them, already. They have not the slightest idea. This second term is another term given to me by Allah. And Walahi, I swear I would use it.  Some of them have tried to reveal my secret plan for third term. I have denied it and I know that as usual, they believed me. 

One thing I have been able to confirm is that I am the most idiotic politician in Nigeria. I am so stupid that it is beyond amazement. But the seamless adulation by my ululating supporters beats me. I used to think that you get admired for being smart and intelligent. I never knew I could be so much adored and worshipped for being brainless and vacuous and dumb. I never knew that. It is a new revelation to me. 

Is there any doubt still that I am the best President in Nigeria's history?

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