I do not write this piece to vex Chief Femi Fani-Kayode, The Butcher of Aso Rock, or All Past and Present Convicted Criminals (APC).
FFK, as is fondly called by friends and foes, died in 2019 after he declared that “With what I have witnessed, I would rather die than join a filthy, rat-infested sinking ship like the Almajiri Peoples Congress (APC).”
Before he died, FFK revelled in mysteries, wallowed in puzzles and ambiguities. He died like a cow in a bloody abattoir of Nigerian politics.
FFK came back to life on September 17, 2019, and suddenly appeared on Channels TV “Politics Today” hosted by one of the craft masters of the industry, Seun Okinbaloye. Not sure whether he was in hell, heaven, or earth, he wanders in the murk of Aristotle’s excluded middle and fuzzy logic.
Making a fool’s case on the show before millions of Nigerians watching at home and abroad, no one was in doubt that FFK suffers from terminal uncertainty. As usual, he looks vast, cool, and floating in an unsympathetic space: “I’m proud to be here, it doesn’t matter what people say or think,” says FFK. He defends his joining APC with fabulous, finicky detail and exact mathematics: “Let’s not focus on what FFK has done or said. Let’s focus on building our country, bridges to ensure that we don’t turn on one another as a people and end up having a civil war.”
FFK the trickster, practical joker, and counterfeiter entertains Nigerians with fictions necessary to the conduct of his life after death. He looks and sounds very dangerous! He was evasive as Okinbaloye pound him relentlessly with searing questions. Laboriously, with raw humour and intrinsic inconsistencies of his life, he managed to dodge Okinbaloye’s piercing questions. His behaviour on the show depicts a man who had swallowed a hand grenade coated with LSD.
FFK tries to tie all his mystery and mummery of his life after death into one neat bundle of lies. He deserves the sympathy of Yorubas as he over revealed his counterfeit personality that bedevils a mentally ill FFK. He ferociously justified his membership of APC with touches of incompetence and stupidity. He sounds like creaking chairs, background coughs, and overlapping sound bites.
Enough of the deranged FFK. We are no longer amused by his tomfoolery. His next obituary in APC will come from monumental hoaxes. At that time, his political demise will be accompanied by bland music and ominous news breaks announcing his passing with confused mass mockers sobbing and saying “at last the man died!”